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(15 Posts)
Whycantweallgetalong Sun 03-Jan-16 18:18:40

I'm thinking of separating from DH but I don't want to get a divorce. I'm hoping separation will wake him to see how bad our marriage has become. But does this ever work?

CandleWithHair Sun 03-Jan-16 18:28:23

I can't answer that for you (yet) but I separated from my husband over Christmas for similar reasons, although it was at his instigation more than mine. All I can tell you so far is that I am surprising myself at how little I miss him - I want(ed) a reconciliation but I'm prepared to accept that maybe my mind will be changed on that.
We're trying to completely leave each other alone for a good few weeks and then arrange a couple of 'dates' to see how we're feeling.

Whycantweallgetalong Sun 03-Jan-16 18:35:14

thats interesting. Bit of background: I'm getting to the point of starting to loathe the sight of him. Main problem is no sex. We had sex 3 times last year and I can't take it anymore. I asked DH if we could have an 'early night' last night, this resulted in him being pissed off. He didn't come to bed till 2am. At the moment he hasn't spoken a word since he came in, been watching television by himself and as is his pattern, will not speak until I guess I'm suitably punished. This could go on for days. I just want to have sex with my husband sad.

pocketsaviour Sun 03-Jan-16 18:38:15

I would foresee that you'll enjoy the separation so much, you won't look back. Especially when you meet someone who's actually willing to give you intimacy and not make you feel like a horrible person for wanting sex.

The sulking thing is ridiculous. So, so childish. But he's trained you well, hasn't he? Don't ask him to do anything he doesn't want, or you'll get the silent treatment.

Arfarfanarf Sun 03-Jan-16 18:40:27

But equally it can give people space to realise they are happier apart. It can also be ysed by people who want to part but are scared to say so so do it in bunny hops.
There are no guarantees but you cant be in a relationship with someone who doesnt want to be in it so at this point there is little to lose.

ColdWhiteWinePlease Sun 03-Jan-16 19:57:24

Sex 3 times in a year?

Fuck that shit!

He obviously stayed up till 2am, hoping that you'd fall asleep and hence not jump his bones when he came to bed!

Bin him. Plenty of red blooded males out there, who will want a normal sexual relationship with you.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 03-Jan-16 20:01:02

My separation worked a treat, in that it led to divorce from a man who was making me miserable.

Whycantweallgetalong Sun 03-Jan-16 20:02:39

Thanks for all your comments. I'm reading them, taking it all on board smile

Whycantweallgetalong Sun 03-Jan-16 20:08:03

I'm often in awe when I hear women talking about their sex mad husbands. I don't know wether they make it all up. I'm not sex mad, once or twice a month even would do me fine, with lots of affection in between, Quarterly is utter madness I think.

Morganly Sun 03-Jan-16 21:27:17

It sounds like you don't really want to separate but that you are hoping the threat/ultimatum will make him take notice of how you feel. Before you take such a drastic step, have you actually told him how you feel? Not now while he's sulking desperately trying to avoid having to address the issue but once things are back to normal, an honest, non accusatory discussion, where you tell him that lack of sex makes you feel unloved, unhappy or whatever it makes you feel. Then listen, really listen without interrupting to what he has to say.

If he doesn't have anything to say, throws a tantrum, continues to use aggression and passive aggression to avoid dealing with the problem, then the next stage is the ultimatum: counselling or separation.

FredaMayor Sun 03-Jan-16 21:36:50

No, it doesn't work, in IME. There is no such thing as a trial separation.

summerwinterton Sun 03-Jan-16 21:40:01

I would wonder why you want to stay with him at all tbh? He sounds most unpleasant.

Borninthe60s Sun 03-Jan-16 22:21:10

Have you discussed why no sex?

I separated from first husband and we got back together (I couldn't live without my kids for half the time) I went back thinking when I've come to,terms with only seeing them half the term we will separate which we did and divorced

My friend and her hub had a year apart and have celebrated 26 yrs together now so it all depends.

Whycantweallgetalong Sun 03-Jan-16 23:46:46

Yes we have discussed it again tonight. He came out of his sulk and came to talk. I've been very candid about how it's making me feel and he seemed rather surprised hmm. I am hoping it will be the last ultimatum, as i can be perfectly happy and celibate all on my own.

I don't want to be hasty with a divorce as my parents divorced when I was young and it's had a devastating effect on us all.

Lelania Mon 04-Jan-16 01:49:24

My mum separated from my dad in the hopes that it would make him sit up and take notice. He met someone else 18 months later and is much happier. She is happier too but likes to talk as if he ran off with another woman which I think is unfair given the circumstances.

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