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Separate or stay? Can't think clearly need advice!

(8 Posts)
Othername5 Sun 03-Jan-16 14:56:01

Hi Everyone!

Sorry this is a bit complicated!

My son is 14 months old. Before getting pregnant I paid half the bills and for all the things we have in our home (furniture etc), I lend my husband some money for his business too.

Since then I had to move in with my mum (back in Germany) as he wasn't able to pay the rent or bills even though he was working 16+ hours every day. So I have basically been a single mom in a different country for 10months now and was going to,go back this January.

He always said that it will get better in a few months, but it's still looking very bad. He has run up a massive amount of debt and I think he will have to pay them of for the next 20 years. On top of that he is quite "clumsy" with our son, dropping him, forgetting to put the seatbelt on, forgetting to feed or change him...urgh...

Because we can't afford rent in London his parents have offered to buy a place for us near to them. They have a terrible relationship with each other though and I am worried they might get too involved in our sons education (forcing us to send him to private school) anyway, we would never be able to take over the mortgage and would have to move somewhere else in a few years.

I am starting to think that I should just rent my own little flat somewhere outside of London, get a part time job anywhere, send the little one to kindergarden and have a happy life...

What would you do? And how do I get started without any income? Can I apply for social housing outside of my current council?

Thank you!!!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 03-Jan-16 16:56:20

I think you should stay in Germany where you have support from your family and where benefits (from what I've heard) are more generous than they are here in the UK .

It sounds like he's in serious debt and that will have repercussions for you and your child should you go back. Getting his family involved in your housing situation could result in some very unfavourable dynamics, never mind the financial ones.

I can't see how you returning would have any positive outcome if he's going to take 20 years to pay off what he owes. Coming back would mean you and your child being totally dependent on him and he doesn't have a pot to piss in.

You can apply for social housing wherever you like but it's extremely unlikely that you'd be accepted as homeless or potentially homeless. In most parts of the country there just isn't any social housing to be had.

Vixxfacee Sun 03-Jan-16 16:58:49

Why would you come to the UK with no money, job or housing?

torontonian Sun 03-Jan-16 17:40:27

The OP moved temporarily to Germany but the normal thing is for her DC to have contact with the father, who is in the UK. That would be a reason to return. Another reason is that OP had a life in the UK and maybe she feels it is where she belongs.

But the title of your question OP was about your relationship. What are your feelings regarding your husband? Men can be clumsy with babies, specially if they didn't have younger siblings or don't get to practice much. But does he love your child? What are the reasons to make you think of separating? Debt is a good one but consider that you might be responsible for half of it anyway since it was incurred while you were married.

I am a firm believer in working in the marriage as long as there is not deal breakers and it is just problems. Problems can be solved. And finding a life partner is not something people take lightly. You chose him for a reason. Think if things are solvable.

Decide the marriage first and then you can plan the logistics.

Othername5 Sun 03-Jan-16 18:25:51

Hi! Thanks for your answers...just to add...I have lived in the UK for 15 years, so it's only my mum in Germany no one else...

heyday Sun 03-Jan-16 19:42:18

I think you need to think whether or not you want to be with your husband? If you do then I suggest you sit down together and form some sort of action plan ie seeing debt advisor, how he can gain qualifications to enable him to earn a decent wage and how you can gain employment. Surely if you were both working then you could manage. London house prices are out of the reach of most people now but there are plenty of other places to live. Social housing is in desperately short supply in most areas now and is generally very difficult to obtain if it's not from your own council.
You need to sit down and think things through carefully. When you have decided what you would really like to do then you can go about finding a way of making it come to fruition.

FrancisdeSales Sun 03-Jan-16 20:02:06

We just moved from Germany after 6 years and are now in the USA. To be honest I think Germany is a fantastic place to raise a child and my three kids loved it there and miss it very much. You should get so much support there as a single mum (priority full-time kindergarten place etc.) I don't know about social housing but I think you will have a much better chance of making a great life for yourself. You can also go to Uni or get job training free there if you want it.

How is your relationship with your mum? Frankly your husband's family sound like a disaster and I wouldn't move anywhere close to them or expose my child to them. Where are you in Germany? Most areas are very affordable for rent and to buy.

Your child can also go to a bilingual state school if you look around. Many of the larger cities have English/German schools.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 03-Jan-16 20:07:45

So he's terrible with money, a poor caretaker for your son, and has an interfering and dysfunctional family.

You're better off without him. Take a hard look at where your and your son's best interests are served - could be in Germany, could be in the UK - and set up your life there.

Also have a talk with a solicitor or financial advisor about how his debts affect you; whether the fact that you are married means that you are liable for his debts.

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