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Age gap

(19 Posts)
Lolar1 Sun 03-Jan-16 10:00:46

Anyone in a relationship with a large age gap? Its never bothered me.....until I met someone and the age gap is quite big but we've been friends for a year and a half and since the new year we have become very close. The age gap has not affected our friendship. I guess if it isn't a problem for us them I shouldn't worry what other people think confused

CatThiefKeith Sun 03-Jan-16 10:01:51

Dh is 12 years younger than me. We don't even notice it tbh

N0More314 Sun 03-Jan-16 10:06:12

I have been out with a man ten years younger and ten years older. But it only left me with a determination to date people closer to my age in future.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 03-Jan-16 10:29:53

Plenty of people are in relationships with a large age gap and are fine with it.

Personally, I roll my eyes and get judgy about men who only want to be with women 15 years younger than they are, because they've fallen for the sexist crap that a woman's value lies principally in her youthful appearance; there are power differentials at play between the genders, compounded by the age gap when it's older man-younger woman, and it just seems skeezy.

Sexist dynamics aside, there's nothing wrong with an age gap, as long as both partners are realistic about being at different stages in life.

RedRainRocks Sun 03-Jan-16 11:31:24

Curious what the age gap is? Someone in their fifties for example will have very little cultural and social references with someone in their late 20's for example... That's not to say it can't work, but for example when someone remembers where they were/what they were doing when John Lennon killed and the other person wasn't even born... You know what I mean?

N0More314 Sun 03-Jan-16 12:46:25

yes ricecrispietreats and I also do think that maybe (maybe, this is just a theory) younger women who play along with that leave older women in a very vulnerable position in the dating game later on. if all older men believe they can just trade in for a younger model. older men fooled by adverts and hollywood mostly but occasionally they will see it around them and forget that they're not really handsome or charismatic themselves. anyway, it's just a theory, I can't MAKE young women agree not to date men more than ten years older than them. Most don't want to.

munkynutts Sun 03-Jan-16 12:59:07

The real answer is be with the person who makes you happy.

The Mumsnet answer, here in a space populated by a lot of 40+ women who have been jilted for younger women or find themselves divorced and struggling in the cut throat world of OLD, is that it's sleazy and younger women are fucking over the sisterhood.

I was so happy with the older guy I used to go out with. I wasn't gold digging or in a power imbalanced relationship. I do remember the judgmental looks from bitter older women though.

peanutnutter Sun 03-Jan-16 15:12:49

18 year gap here. Met him at 22. Now been married 25 years. It's never been an issue for us.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake Sun 03-Jan-16 15:20:15

Dh is 16 years older than me. I was 19 when we started seeing each other and we've been together 10 years now

RhuBarbarella Sun 03-Jan-16 15:20:15

20 years gap here but he's not fallen for the crap that my value lies mostly in my looks, thank god. I know the bitter woman's look though I can't say i care to much about that. We have a great relationship, that's the main thing.

Goodbetterbest Sun 03-Jan-16 15:37:51

Depends on the situation, people and ages I think. Personally I find a 50-something man chasing a 19 yo girl a bit hmmBut as a woman in my mid-40s seeing a man 11 years older than me, it is nothing.

The only thing that worries me is that we are at very different times of our lives as his kids are grown up and mine are very young so there's less time together. Also I very conscious I am punching above my weight with him intellectually. He is well read and interested/interesting, does things, hangs out with interesting people. I am taxing kids to ballet, football, thinking about what's for tea, what has happened to all the socks and how knackered I am.

pizzaeatingmonkey Sun 03-Jan-16 15:49:25

Why is there a thread for this subject every couple of weeks? My partner was 20 and I was 41 and that was 17 years ago.
I will not post this again, it's like playing Top Trumps: age gap!

Effendi Sun 03-Jan-16 16:03:59

DH is 12 years older than me.

dementedma Sun 03-Jan-16 16:09:44

Interesting. Dd2 (25) is "sort of" involved with a guy who I think is in his mid 40s...I'm more than a bit worried but if he's the right one......

hefzi Sun 03-Jan-16 21:25:20

Just another perspective: I know two elderly women who were married to men 20 and 25 years older than them. Both of them said to me, after the deaths of their husbands, that they had loved them, but had they known what it would be like, they never would have married them - and both warned me not to marry someone much older.

In both cases, these women were the carers for their husbands: in one case, the husband developed dementia (which now affects 1 in 3 people) and in the other, he was a creaking gate who eventually died from a stroke. They were loving, kind and couldn't have done more for their husbands, but inevitably, it takes a toll. Both of them developed new leases of life after the deaths of their husbands, and became much "younger" in their outlook and attitudes etc and had some happy years of widowhood before dying themselves.

So- age gaps do work, and when you love someone, you care for them, no matter what happens: you don't give up on them, no matter how hard things get, out of respect for your shared history etc However there is a massive difference between someone who is 60 and someone who is 85, both in terms of abilities and outlook. Of course, people die at 60, and blah blah blah - but there is a very real possibility you will spend a considerable amount of time caring for your elderly husband at the same time as caring for your elderly parents, perhaps, at a time when you had hoped to be enjoying the freedom of retirement.

Do what feels right for you - but accept that age gaps aren't as straightforward as people sometimes present them.

Mincedpie Sun 03-Jan-16 21:34:18

Dh is 13 years older than me. It works for us, he looks and acts a lot younger and I suppose I appear older (hopefully don't look it though), so we meet somewhere in the middle.

Lolar1 Tue 05-Jan-16 12:11:24

thank you for the comments and sorry if I have missed previous threads that were similar. The age gap is 20 years. Never an issue in our friendship and when anyone has commented we have laughed however things are developing and it is something that we are both aware of THAT SAID when we are together it is irrelevant as neither of us are typical of our age group. I guess I just needed to explore this so that I feel comfortable with it. I have dated younger people before just not this much younger but this relationship has been built on friendship.
thank you for the comments xx

pocketsaviour Tue 05-Jan-16 18:24:05

My H was 15 years older than me. Never really bothered us.

I think if there are older children who are near the younger partner's age, it could make things awkward. EG if your DC were late teens, and your DP was early 20s. I certainly wouldn't have liked it when I was a teen, if my parent had dated someone closer to my age.

Lolar1 Tue 05-Jan-16 22:25:11

Because we have been friends for a year and a half my still young children have met and are very fond of this person, however I will not introduce as my partner until such time as things are really secure between us.
But yes this person is, inevitably, closer in age to my children than to me. I guess on the plus side, thinking out loud,.....if we stayed together it could mean that my children at least had a step parent around for a long time hmm

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