Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

When is it time to just admit its over?

(9 Posts)
squaretoes Sat 02-Jan-16 14:50:33

DH and I have been together for 13 years, our whole relationship has been dogged with drama and horrible events. We lost my DM and DFIL within a few months of each other both from cancer. We were burgled twice, we had a super preemie baby, DH has lost 5 jobs, SIL is a drug addict and at various times we have cared for her two DC. MIL is toxic and I am currently NC, although DH tried to maintain a relationship. I have mental health problems (anxiety, OCD, depression, PTSD).

DH feels that he is just basically my carer, I maintain a very stressful job in academia and he is currently a SAHP. I am resentful of him being a SAHP, its not through choice, its because he kept getting fired and became anxious about getting a new job in case he got fired again.

I don't treat him very well, I am often anxious and the anxiety manifests itself as anger and stress. I struggle to respect him while he is not working and doesnt seem to do a lot. He doesnt look after himself very well and there have been incidents where he has let DD down in my opinion.

I do love him, I don't know if I am 'in love' with him. He is incredibly thoughtful, he is just very different to me, he is not driven, he is happy to play on his phone and can't make any decisions. I wonder if I have driven him to being like this, he doesnt have many friends any more, he doesnt make an effort with them and then wonders why he doesnt see them.

I don't know whether its just time to cut our losses, our whole lives are tied together though, we would have to sell the house and then what?

I am so down about it all, it feels like we just muddling through. He siad this morning that he just wants to go, as the whole 'new year' thing has made him realise he is just not prepared to have another year of us just going through the motions. He actually can't go as he has no where to we try again?

I would desperately miss him if he wasnt here, but is that just because im used to him?

Sorry for the long post and thanks to anyone who makes it to the end, i would appreciate any support or advice?

Mrstumbletap Sat 02-Jan-16 15:12:18

So sorry about all the drama OP, not really sure what to advise though, other than that it is unlikely that any family doesn't have drama it's how you get through it that counts. So was he there for you and vice versa through the hard times? Did you support each other and feel better for having each other there to comfort you?

Are you still attracted to each other? How old are your DC?

I have a friend that is a divorce solicitor that says the first week in January is his busiest time as the Xmas and new year period makes people reflect on their life and relationships. so maybe your DH was just feeling a bit low, maybe you could try to have a date night once a month and rekindle some love back into the relationship it might make you see some of the things you first fell I love with?

squaretoes Sat 02-Jan-16 15:15:50

Yes, he has been incredible when we have had bad things happen, I do wonder if we are just so ood at supporting each other through things, we don't really know how to just be happy when nothing is going on...

I am still attracted to him, I think he is still attracted to me.

Thats an interesting point, I imagine its not helping with lots of our friends getting married and having kids this year, we were the first to do it all, he actually joked that we might as well be the first to get divorced too.

We have tried to pay each other more attention, but we don't seem to have an awful lot to talk about...

12purpleapples Sat 02-Jan-16 19:03:25

It seems like you still have some good aspects to the relationship that might be worth fighting for?

AccordingtoMe Sat 02-Jan-16 21:17:10

I think you need to reconnect with each other somehow, have you had any couples counselling? Would relate be an option?

squaretoes Sat 02-Jan-16 21:21:21

I suggested relate and he refused point blank. I feel like there are good points which are worth fighting for. Im just exhausted with it.

AccordingtoMe Sat 02-Jan-16 21:24:39

That's a shame square any particular reason why he refuses point blank? I just find it weird he made that comment about "being the first to be divorced" of your friendship group. Do you think he is pulling out of your marriage emotionally?

squaretoes Sat 02-Jan-16 21:52:40

Yes, I do. He doesn't want to go to couselling, thats pretty much it. I'm pretty sure that comment was intended as a joke. I have always thought we were togther forever, that we were solid and I was growing old with him. This is the first time I haven't been certain that its not over, that maybe its time to give up.

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 02-Jan-16 22:07:41

I wouldn't want to be with a partner who can't hold down a job and prefers to play on his phone.

The deaths, burglaries, and shitty family members are no-one's fault. But his actions and his character are down to him. And from what you describe, he is not a very good partner.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: