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FWB with someone you have feelings for

(76 Posts)
MzLouissa Sat 02-Jan-16 11:47:43

I started a FWB situation with a guy I didn't think I liked...I thought he was cute but no interest.

As soon as we started we liked each other more than expected and started to grow feelings.

I reacted by hoping things would come to more. He reacted by going cold and creating distance because he didn't want to fall in love.

I ended it three months ago because it felt ridiculous.

He's wanting to try again. Can't seem to keep away from each other. Really strong sexual attraction and he swears he learned from his mistakes last time and will be more open if / when he feels scares of how close we're getting.

I know the obvious answer is to stay clear. I just feel very mixed up. I think we've got serious potential but his commitment fears are really severe and I think I might just end up hurt?

Am I mad to start things up again?

CalleighDoodle Sat 02-Jan-16 12:14:03

No. It wont end well.

CalleighDoodle Sat 02-Jan-16 12:14:25

Sorry i mean yes you are mad. It wont end well.

Toffeelatteplease Sat 02-Jan-16 12:16:29

Yes totally mad. Because he will tell you if he is getting scared about how close you ate getting. Not if he decides he wants something more

SoleSource Sat 02-Jan-16 12:22:21

No. Stay away.

Nightzone Sat 02-Jan-16 12:24:35

Stay away

MzLouissa Sat 02-Jan-16 12:27:35

Is the reason he wants me back the great sex?

venusinscorpio Sat 02-Jan-16 12:28:40

MzLouissa, I would steer clear. You have deeper feelings for him, it won't end well and it will be you who gets hurt. There is obviously something stopping him committing to you and doesn't want it to go any further than FWB, and he's not saying that has changed. Walk away. You deserve more than this. I know from experience these "relationships" can go on for years. Don't waste your life on him.

Epilepsyhelp Sat 02-Jan-16 12:29:39

Unless he is ready for a relationship this time then stay well away. How can't his possibly end well for you?

Epilepsyhelp Sat 02-Jan-16 12:29:48

*can this

magoria Sat 02-Jan-16 12:30:12

FWB. Have you agreed exclusivity or he is free to go else where as you are not in a relationship? This would be my expectations.

I think you are going to get very hurt if you go down this path without a very serious talk.

ColdWhiteWinePlease Sat 02-Jan-16 12:30:23

What is he wanting though? A relationship, taking things slowly? Or just to be FWB again?

If it's the former, maybe explore that. But make sure you have a good few dates where there is NO sex, and that will show he is interested in you, and not just the sex.

If it's the latter, do not go there! You will get hurt.

PinkSquash Sat 02-Jan-16 12:31:29

He probably enjoys the idea of you wanting him. It will end really badly for you so avoid it and save yourself the heartache later

venusinscorpio Sat 02-Jan-16 12:32:49

Quite possibly it is the good sex. You're making it freely available to him, when you want more. Think about the power balance. He sounds like he's taking advantage to me. If he's a nice person he is just being thoughtless, but he could well be deliberately manipulating you to keep you where he wants you. This is unlikely to go where you want it to.

iklboo Sat 02-Jan-16 12:42:29

My FWB & I have been married 11 years.

cozietoesie Sat 02-Jan-16 12:43:36

He'll be more open if/when he feels scared? That sounds like Grade A manipulation.

Stay away.

AuntieStella Sat 02-Jan-16 12:58:28

If you have feelings for him, then FWB isn't going to work.

I think I'd want to ask him straight out if it's dating this time round. If yes, then it might be worth a shot (and that of course means things like going out together as a twosome in public, being acknowledged to friends etc).

If no, then this will go no further than it did the last time round.

venusinscorpio Sat 02-Jan-16 13:12:30

Iklboo - was there a point in your successful FWB relationship where either you or your partner "went cold and created distance" because you or they didn't want to fall in love? If so then it must be the one positive exception to the millions of complicated, painful FWB "relationships" where one partner wants more than the other does and ends up getting hurt when they find another partner they are prepared to commit to, or wasting years of their lives on an illusion of intimacy and commitment, missing the chance to have a real, fulfilling relationship until one day the penny drops.

OP - curl up on the sofa and watch He's Just Not That Into You".

iklboo Sat 02-Jan-16 13:31:20

We did at one point. We reverted back to being friends with a similar interest. He started seeing someone else for a while. Then - he says - he got some bad news and the only person he could think of he wanted to be with at that point was me. We both realised then we were probably beyond FWB.

venusinscorpio Sat 02-Jan-16 13:51:15

It's great that it worked out for you. It's the kind of lovely story that makes all the disappointed, unsatisfied, besotted people wanting more from their FWB partners never give up hope wink

That's obviously not your fault though.

venusinscorpio Sat 02-Jan-16 13:58:25

Sorry if I sound harsh. As other people have said, have a talk with FWB and try to gauge what his feelings are at present. Don't concentrate on whether you think you are right for each other or what feelings you think he might develop for you in the future. If he is prepared to date you properly as a boyfriend and see where it goes, it might be worth a shot. If not, or he's still trying to qualify his feelings for you, I would walk away.

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 02-Jan-16 14:01:35

Don't have a FWB arrangement with someone you have feelings for.

Tell him no dice, unless he wants to date you and have a proper relationship. If he's too scared for that, then too bad: have a cry, and do what you need to do to get over him.

MzLouissa Sat 02-Jan-16 14:10:29

It's been a bloody mess the first time around if I am honest.

I knew he liked me for a fair while, and to be honest I felt I had "all the power" if that's a horrible way of putting it so I went into it feeling like the FWB was more to protect his feelings that mine. Then very early on (about 5 nights together) I started to realise I actually really bloody liked him and it was nothing like a casual arrangement and the way we were behaving and feeling was more like boyfriend / girlfriend and that just evolved naturally without very much chat.

I genuinely didn't know at that point that his "I don't want a relationship right now" statement was actually so deeply rooted. I had absolutely no idea what a genuine fear of intimacy was so I reacted about as badly as you could imagine when he started pulling back by basically repeatedly telling him it wasn't good enough and to fuck off. So I made it worse instead of better because I didn't understand. I thought it was a classic case of he's just not that into you. If I'd honestly know what he was going through I would have just let him have space and understood he needed it.

I would say his intimacy issues are quite bad. He's really scared of both being hurt and hurting me. He did jump directly into a relationship with someone else within a few days but ended it with her within two weeks. I don't know what to make of that but either I meant very little to him or she was a confidence booster.

As it stands, he probably being as honest and open about it all as he can be. He says it's a fine line as he both craves to be with me, but also gets terrified and needs to create distance when we get very close. He says he knows he's not ready to be a boyfriend right now, so no he's not offerring me a relationship right now - but more a "more honest" FWB situation that has the possibility of blossoming if he can feel more comfortable.

He's actually been pretty good about facing up to the fact he has a massive problem. We've talked about him getting counselling, he's started reading "He's Scared, She's Scared" and we talk a lot about it. He's listening and he wants to feel better and be able to be happy again.

He's just said to me if we try again it will be diferrent, he will be more honest about what he's feeling instead of just trying to create distance or cause problems, he will spend more time with me without overthinking and just enjoying it and he says if he starts to fall in love he's going to just talk to me and work it out together.

So for now, that's just FWB, but it's not off the table to be more. The thing is though, what he says and what happens might be two very diferrent things. People with intimacy issues can be very hurtful. They can sabotage relationships and do hurtful things and most definitely going into this I could either be setting myself up for being hurt.

At the same time though, I am quite cool with moving slowly, I am fine with no marriage on the table or anything bonkers like that and I do genuinely want to be with him.

The attraction between us mentally and physically is nothing either of us has ever experienced before, and we just click and feel at home and happy together. But all of this is obviously an abnormal situation with potential to hurt me sad

FinallyHere Sat 02-Jan-16 14:25:30

Well, it may seem old fashioned of me, but thats a lot about him. Where are you and your i feel i have all the power in this? One way to view it, dispassionately, is that he has neatly turned the tables on you. I'd be inclined to be 'just a good friend' until he is clear that he wants more and is prepared to stand up for what he wants.

Otherwise, you are getting flooded with oxytocin so will feel increasingly bonded but definitely not in any strong position.

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 02-Jan-16 14:30:41

Gosh. You're turning into his counsellor, too.

Let him deal with his issues on his own time. He's not offering what you want, though, so for your own good you need to steer clear of him.

Right now you're caught in the twin dramas of lust, and wanting to "fix" him. Both are very powerful forces. Resist. Nothing in this situation is good or healthy for you. Stay away from him and find a healthier fuckbuddy or a good and proper date.

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