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How do I stop being a stubborn twat?

(28 Posts)
FrostyNipples Sat 02-Jan-16 09:26:13

Same old rows.

DP is just as stubborn as me (not excusing my shit behaviour at all) and we regularly like clockwork every three and a half weeks have a silly row which I escalate to ridiculous proportions.

No violence just nasty, spiteful stuff.

I need to learn how to do this, I love my DP and know I'm being ridiculous (on this occasion I have thrown him out because he accidentally walked dog poo on a rug blush) it gets to a point in the argument where I lose all perspective, over react and it spirals.

I have ASD (plus massive huge PMT which has become almost unbearable the last couple of years) and know that these meltdowns can be managed, I just don't know where to bloody start.

Help me find some way of managing this please!

Eminado Sat 02-Jan-16 09:34:52

First off see your GP about managing your PMT?

Sherlockmaystealyourpug Sat 02-Jan-16 09:37:58

I am very similar
Being aware helps, i think
I try to find ways to stop myself before i get to the point of no return, by walking away or saying we will talk calmly in half an hour and going and sitting in a different room.
I think, for me, it is fustration at not being able to express my point well when i am emotional
As an aside, my DP has ASD, and i have ADD/dyslexia and am not offically doagnosed with ASD but the traits have been commented upon.
I always try to resolve the issue after we habe fought, which helps.
I dont know if any of this is useful to you, but i very much relate to your post.

FrostyNipples Sat 02-Jan-16 09:47:53

I need to do that ASAP Emin I should have done it two years ago.

I'm worried that my GP will be reluctant to try and medicate (already on a bit of a cocktail, paroxetine plus olanzapine with rispiridone when needed shock) I tentatively asked about being referred to counselling but for NHS the wait list is 9-12 months.

I can have a telephone assessment to join the waiting list though, that's one step on the way.

FrostyNipples Sat 02-Jan-16 09:54:39

Sherlock How do you catch hold of yourself before it goes too far?

I'm ashamed to say I told my DP to 'learn to wipe his fucking feet and that at 50+ years he should know how to look where he is going......' he was carrying a fully loaded log basket at the time so it was impossible for him to see where his feet were!
Carrying the logs in for me because I can't lift the basket.

If anyone spoke to me like that I would be livid!

Why am I such a spiteful prick?

goodnightdarthvader1 Sat 02-Jan-16 09:57:42

You are not a child. Control your anger. Leave the room if you're annoyed and calm down.

I grew up with a mother like this. It was fucking horrible.

Sherlockmaystealyourpug Sat 02-Jan-16 10:07:47

I think i have learnt when it is building, i can physically feel it now. I dont know about you but strong emotions tend to take me by surprise, and it took me a long time to understand how i was freling. My DP is similar, and when he is angry or upset he cant see that that will ever shift. It helps that we are both more able to hold on to the fact we are being ridiculous or unkind and can try and walk away.
I went to therapy for a bit, for other issues, and i think that also helped me with stubborness and anger. Is it something you can talk to DP about when calm?

FrostyNipples Sat 02-Jan-16 10:30:06

I'm trying Darthvader I really am. I'm sorry you had a shitty time with your Mum cake

Thanks Sherlock my DP is NT (and truthfully doesn't completely believe in my illness, he is a bit too old school) I can talk to him when calm but I avoid it as much as possible in case I tip over the edge.
It's comforting to know that someone else can understand smile

I'm gutted because I expected things to stabilise as he got to understand me better (I.e. ignore when I'm being a weirdo or a cock) but this pmt thing has just blind sided me.

Never really suffered it until mid 30's now it comes in and I'm unbearable.

TheSnowFairy Sat 02-Jan-16 12:38:37

The coil really helped my moods. I do empathise but if this is the relationship you want, you do need to sort it out.

CityMole Sat 02-Jan-16 12:55:15

This sounds similar to what I developed at around 35. I have never felt irrational rage like it (follwed by shame). I have no major history of depression (some eating disorders 20s.) I diagnosed with pmdd. I was given some medication, and made major changes to diet and exercise. My relationship ended up breaking down, and I do think he was a factor in the severity of my symptoms because things got dramatically better once he was gone. He was not the cause, though, as the irrational rage was still there. It just had less to trigger it. I am currently pregnant and have no pmdd- it is hormonal. I'm terrified of what I'll be like when the baby is born but my current partner is supportive and believes in my illness, and we will face it together. It does ease as you get older, but that might not be for another 10/15 years. Get help. Stay off the booze, eat clean, do lots of exercise, and communicate strongly during the happy part of your cycle.

Joysmum Sat 02-Jan-16 13:01:58

Is it only your DH you are like this with?

FrostyNipples Sat 02-Jan-16 13:18:40

Snow I love him.
I'm certain I love him because he evokes the same strength of feeling that all my loved ones do. First time any partner has ever felt as important to me as my family.
I know I need to sort my shit out I'm bordering on abusive sad

Just having a Google now CityM it sounds horribly like it and I'm already on some of the recommended meds but my diet can absolutely be improved.
I don't drink (meds) but I do have the odd joint, luckily that has the opposite effect and makes me a fluffy cuddle monster smile

I have an adult DC Joys who just gets out of my way. I don't really see anyone else.
I do have a bit of a shout at the TV though.
And I tell frostydog off more for shagging cushions blush

gleam Sat 02-Jan-16 13:24:03

To go back to your dog poo incident - does that trigger your rage because you're the one who has to clean it up? Or is your dp quite happy to?

TokenGinger Sat 02-Jan-16 13:25:43

Is PMT really like this? I don't ask to question your integrity; I ask with genuine interest. I've never heard anything like it, so imagine to some, it could appear that you're just emotionally abusive.

Getting yourself on the counselling waiting list sounds like a good idea.

With my ex, I used to explode in arguments and five minutes later, feel remorseful. I learnt from that and now, with my current DP, if we argue, I know to remove myself from the situation whilst I calm down. It's not fair to expect DP to leave when it's my actions that'll be the problem - it's my responsibility to move.

Clairewilliams07 Sat 02-Jan-16 13:28:47

Try cognitive behaviour therapy

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 02-Jan-16 13:29:39

It's good that this is the same pattern each time, because that means that you know how every step in the process goes. So now you get to choose at which point in the usual process you are going to do something different, in order to stop the escalation.

You know your usual pattern. Choose when and how to change it. Practice it in your head beforehand. And put your new behaviour into practice when the time comes.

Keep practicing, and it will become your new normal behaviour.

You can break this pattern, you just need to put in the work.

FrostyNipples Sat 02-Jan-16 13:32:22

Gleam it's my dog, I always pick up the poo's but we have both been in bed since boxing day with a flu like bug so I haven't been doing it twice a day.

Even the poo was my fault! I got the rage because the kitchen mats can be washed but I think there may have been poo on the living room rug, which he gave me which my DP said I couldn't wash (I didn't want it in the machine like the mats just to spot clean it) because it's an antique Afghan carpet.

so I completely over reacted, rolled the room size carpet up and made him put it in his car
It's absolutely me sad

FelicityFixIt Sat 02-Jan-16 13:36:32

Doesn't sound very nice for him to have you speak in this way. Would you be verbally abusive in this way to your mother / neighbour/ doctor /boss? If not then it's well within your control

My sympathies lie with him. Imagine if the genders were reversed

FrostyNipples Sat 02-Jan-16 13:40:30

Felicty I don't want, need or deserve sympathy.

I am trying to control it, I'm asking for help.

FrostyNipples Sat 02-Jan-16 14:13:17

TokenG I've never suffered with PMS/PMT I'm a gasp away from 40 and although I've had mood instability all my life (caused by ASD the despair, obsession and the meds) it's never been like this.

My monthly migraine (only manifestation of hormones) has now become a crippling bed inducing attack and a two to three day irrational, unreasonable, disproportionate evil nasty mood.
Perversely until they put me on triptans for the migraine I would be bed ridden which likely masked the moods.

TokenGinger Sat 02-Jan-16 14:14:13

Frosty - that sounds awful sad

MuddySludge Sat 02-Jan-16 14:57:24

I don't know if it is likely to interact with any of your meds but if your GP doesn't want to prescribe anything for your pms it may be worth having a chat with them about Maca Root. I am peri-menopausal and it has literally changed my life. I get mine from Amazon. You do need to research the product and make sure you are buying the most effective but I can't put into words how much it has helped stabilise my moods and general hormonal symptoms.

Good luck, life sounds horrible for all concerned at the moment.

TheSnowFairy Sat 02-Jan-16 14:59:29

I used to go from 0-100 in moments - bit like a tidal wave. Was awful for everyone around but especially DH so sympathy from me to you both!

You need to remember your DP is trying to do the right thing so the irritations are less getting at you, more he's doing things wrong differently.

Good luck flowers or cake during bad times of the month...

MoMoTy Sat 02-Jan-16 15:02:58

It's sad that your kids know to keep away, sounds like an abusive household. You really need to speak to your gp again, it's not stubbornness it sounds much worse than that.

FrostyNipples Sat 02-Jan-16 15:42:05

My 'kids' don't know to keep away Momo I only have an (1) adult DC who works (2 jobs) and is in full time education too.
He keeps out of the way when I'm ill.
I'm not abusing any children, he doesn't hide under the bed.

I don't really have any contact with any people, other than my DP, so I don't know if it's exclusively DP who I get so upset with or if I spent time with someone else I would get upset with them too.

Thanks Muddy I've started Angus cactus a year ago but it's still as bad, I will look into it and broach it with the GP.

Snowfairy did you overhear my explanation of how DP wipes his feet WRONG? blush Full speed, mouth running and then whoosh like all the air has gone and I need to lay down, exhausted.
Shameful.

I've sent him an email apologising but that doesn't really cover it.
He had to drive, with the aftermath of flu, 300 miles in the dark and rain to get home.

Because I lost it.
I still have no idea why I got so upset bawling my eyes out at him I'm not squeamish or afraid of germs.

It's almost surreal.

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