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Toxic MIL

(25 Posts)
Xylophonebuggary Sat 02-Jan-16 02:52:06

Nc for this as a bit of detail

Dps mum ( so not technically my mil but for the purpose of this thread that is what I will call her) is an alcoholic, and not a nice one.

Dp currently lives with her as we are saving up for a house. She is going to break him and im so worried. She's getting progressively worse since FIL died early last year. SIL lives miles away and refuses to deal with it. The whole family shove it under the rug and it's just a given that it doesn't get talked about.

When MIL drinks she is horrible, tells dp she wishes he had never been born, that she wishes he had died not his dad, that he's the reason she's miserable. He gets no support from her or the rest of his family to persue his passions yet his sister is the golden child. It's grinding him down and I don't know what, if anything, I can do to help.

FishWithABicycle Sat 02-Jan-16 04:55:27

It sounds insane to put up with this in order to save for a house. Home ownership is nice but that kind of emotional abuse is too high a price to pay.

MrsUniverse Sat 02-Jan-16 06:40:24

Where are you living op? Is it possible to have him there with you?

schlong Sat 02-Jan-16 07:26:56

This is the price he pays for free board and lodging..not really worth it is it? Why can't he live with you? Then he can cut the toxic hag out of his life.

Xylophonebuggary Sat 02-Jan-16 08:21:09

Eh? It's not free, he pays her for bills every month. He can't move in with me because I live with family and there's no space.

Xylophonebuggary Sat 02-Jan-16 08:23:39

This has been going on for years. He's never known her not to drink other than when she fell down the stairs ( drunk ) and injured herself. Then assulted a paramedic and was arrested. She didn't drink for 6 months or so then. When shes sober she's alright but very quick to judge him on any decisions he makes.

Finola1step Sat 02-Jan-16 08:24:56

Maybe you both need to look again at your plans regarding buying a place together. How much longer does he plan to stay there?

Does he receive support from Al Anon or something similar?

Xylophonebuggary Sat 02-Jan-16 08:34:23

In a year or so we should have enough saved. She wants to sell the family home and move somewhere smaller further away, we have a dd together and want to stay in the area as both happy with work/friends/life where we are, however it's in a very expensive part of the country so has taken a lot of saving! It really is a case of putting up till she buggers off but she's just getting worse. She also has decided to resign from her job in January ( we actually think she's being let go because Her dribking means she's too hungover to get up in the morning. A few nights ago she tried to get in her car and drive. Dps car was parked infront of hers so she couldn't but if he hadn't have been there I dread to think what would have happened. I almost want something to happen though, to make her realise what she's doing!

Xylophonebuggary Sat 02-Jan-16 08:34:59

No no support from Alcoholics annoying as far as I'm aware

Xylophonebuggary Sat 02-Jan-16 08:35:11


wannabestressfree Sat 02-Jan-16 08:37:34

Sorry but your priorities are all wrong..... Rent somewhere so he can leave and you all should be living together with your daughter.....
A year or so is not sustainable.....

PotteringAlong Sat 02-Jan-16 08:41:23

I agree. If she's going to break him then what's the point? He needs to leave. You need to rent.

Penfold007 Sat 02-Jan-16 08:43:55

Xylophone the problem is your partner's enabling behaviour. He is prioritising living with an alcoholic and paying her bills over his child and partner.

His sister has walked away from this toxic situation and that must have been very hard. When this woman is let go from work your partner is going to be paying even more so how is he going to save?

I'm sorry to be so blunt as I do appreciate that he is in a difficult position.

TouchingToes Sat 02-Jan-16 08:45:11

I agree with wanna, this is an unneccessary situation. Much more important for DP to be safe and with you and your child, than saving money. What use is money if everyone is miserable and, in his case, unsafe.

He really needs to move out, rent and be with you and your child.

If his mother chooses to drive drunk, yes it is awful but it isn't something you can control.

Xylophonebuggary Sat 02-Jan-16 08:54:16

Sorry trying hard not to drip feed but there's so much to this!

He's essentially been told by his family that he will be abandoning his poor mother if we rent somewhere now - how this is different to buying somewhere I will never know. Im not liked because we had a child out of wedlock, dd got invited to christmas dinner but not me!! But I overheard his aunty telling him that he should ' be careful ' and im obviously trying to ' baby trap ' him. We've been together for 8 years. The whole family are insane appart from his lovely grandparents who are basicly the reason he's not cut all contact. He does stand up for me before anyone goes down that route!

Blarblarblar Sat 02-Jan-16 08:54:28

The other family members are under no obligation to help. You can't do anything for her anyway. She's a grown up and if/when she decides to stop drinking then you can support her until then you can do nothing.
Agree with other posters this is an unnessesary situation. A year is to long. A house isn't worth it just rent. Or get yourself on the housing list.

Walkacrossthesand Sat 02-Jan-16 08:55:09

Very good point there about what happens when she resigns from her job - if he's still living there (and probably even if he isn't) she will be leaning on him for more money, defeating the whole object of 'trying to save'. Best cut loose now, rent the smallest cheapest place you can find, and brace yourself for the fallout. It won't be easy.

Blarblarblar Sat 02-Jan-16 08:57:11

Cross posts OP. She is not his responsibility. He needs to walk away. As for other family members well cutting them off isn't a huge loss he can still see grandparents.

Penfold007 Sat 02-Jan-16 09:41:48

Of course the rest of the family don't want him to move out, they'd have to step up. What does he want to do?

WitchWay Sat 02-Jan-16 09:48:31

"out of wedlock" FFS do they live in the last century or the one before that ??

Very wrong of them to pressurise with the "poor old mum" thing. Your DP needs to get away from her.

Bluetrews25 Sat 02-Jan-16 14:37:03

The sooner he moves out, the sooner she will hit rock bottom. Only then will she start to change. He would actually be HELPING her by moving out....

Inertia Sat 02-Jan-16 14:44:06

If your partner moves out then there will be plenty of room and opportunity for another member of the family to move in, if they are all so keen for MIL to have company.

It suits them for your DP to stay there, because then Mil is his problem and the rest of the family can criticise from a safe distance.

If you have a child, then his responsibility is to his child, not his mother. If he pays bills now then a cheap rental might be manageable. He isn't helping her while he facilitates her alcoholism.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 02-Jan-16 14:48:10

He isn't enabling (as someone suggested up thread) he is being scapegoated (is that a word), his (from what I can see) toxic family have him where they want him due to FOG, any-time he tries to move they will say that he is abandoning her.

While he is still with her they can simply ignore and avoid.

IMHO, you both need to rethink your plans and he needs to get out of this toxic situation.

wickedlazy Sat 02-Jan-16 14:49:46

"Alcoholics annoying" 😂

Seriously though, in another year his mental health might not be very good. Living with someone like that must be awful. Could he squeeze himself and his clothes and dvd's etc into your room (any space in loft for books or furniture?) for a few months? If he stops paying her bills, that's even more money in the house kitty (and some sort of contribution to bills to whoever you stay with, but I take it you'd be charged as a set so still saving). Dd would probably love having him there full time too. Step sis had similar set up, squeezed into her mums with her dp and dc, but it was a happy squeeze and they move out in a few weeks, finally got deposit together and have bought somewhere. Think stepmum will miss them though.

Blushingm Sat 02-Jan-16 15:30:54

My mum was exactly the same except she never learned to drive

Lied about being made redundant (sacked) said similar things when drunk, went through regard 3 times etc etc - me and my siblings are all totally fucked up and suffer mh issues. Your do can't change her - he needs to look after himself and get out of that situation even if you rent rather than buy straight away.

My mum is now dead - because of alcohol

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