Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I think he should be doing more

(13 Posts)
Justwantsomeadviceplease Fri 01-Jan-16 20:30:49

I know i'm probably going to sound really selfish but i've had a really horrible time recently and I feel like my boyfriend hasn't been there for me, but then again I don't really know what I expect him to do, my emotions are just all over the place at the moment.

We've been together 2 years, don't live together, had no plans to spend Christmas or new years together or anytime inbetween. (Him busy not me) He went to his family's house just before Christmas and not due back till Sunday. And his friends house party last night.

Christmas day was awful due to family problems and two days after I was attacked by a man I didn't know, I don't really want to go into it but it was terrifying and I thought I was going to be raped.
Boyfriend knows and I've obviously been really quiet and not myself. He did offer to come over once on the 29th but I just said I was fine because it seemed like he was just offering because he felt he had to.

I had only made plans for new years eve about a week ago when I realised I was probably going to spend it alone (I wasn't invited to his friends house party but then again i've never met friend)
But after the incident I didn't really feel up to going out, so spent new years eve at home alone having a cry.
He knew I would be, he asked what I was up to and I told him I'd be home by myself. I don't know what I expected, but some part of me did want him to at least offer to cancel his plans and come over.
To top it all off nicely I got numerous drunk calls last night from him, it was pretty horrible listening to people laughing and having a good time with loud music when I was so depressed. Last night when he said "happy new year" I just lost it, told him it was innapropriate and hung up. He's messaged today asking me what I meant and offering to come over Monday.
He's also been sending me jokes to 'ditract me'

I don't know if any of that even made any sense and like I said I honestly don't even know what I expect from him I'm just feeling so alone and sorry for myself.

TokenGinger Fri 01-Jan-16 20:37:00

Bloody hell, poor guy.

I'm sorry for what you've been through, and I hope you've reported it. But please don't take it out on him.

He offered to come over on the 29th, you refused because you felt he was doing it because he had to. Well, of course. He's away with family. He isn't going to offer to come back unless he really needs to. But you refused. Why would he then offer to do the same when you had plans but opted to cance them to be alone?

It's as if he can't do right whatever he does. Try not to take your anger, upset and hurt out on him. He called you to wish you a happy new year. You'd be more pissed if he hadn't and yet he got a bollocking.

TokenGinger Fri 01-Jan-16 20:37:18

Please seek help for what happened to you xx

Justwantsomeadviceplease Fri 01-Jan-16 20:41:12

I guess you're right i'm just a mess at the moment and not thinking straight.
It has been reported and I will be getting help

ImperialBlether Fri 01-Jan-16 20:45:56

I'm really glad you've reported it. However, I don't think "poor guy."

If you two have been together two years, why wasn't he there on the doorstep when that happened to you? How come he spent NYE with other people? Where was he at Christmas? This just isn't good enough. If he considers himself a boyfriend or a lover or whatever he needs to be more considerate. It's ridiculous that you couldn't spend NYE with him.

Marchate Fri 01-Jan-16 20:51:43

He's not a 'poor guy'. He's unwilling or unable to cope with what happened, yes. That's understandable. But he could try a bit harder to look after you

If something of a similar magnitude happened to him and you left him at home while you went to a party, would he be happy? I think not

Justwantsomeadviceplease Fri 01-Jan-16 20:55:55

See I can't help thinking that if he had been attacked there would be no question I would drive/get a train to him straight away and would cancel any plans in a heartbeat if he was going to be alone for New years eve.
His family house is only an hour away from mine by train.

Yseulte Fri 01-Jan-16 21:01:59

He seems totally selfish and unconcerned.

Fine if he wants to see his family at Christmas but why wouldn't he want to be with you on NYE? There's no excuse for that given what happened to you.

He may just be avoiding you until you chuck him.

If he's not trying to chuck you you should chuck him, all this has shown his true colours.

BathtimeFunkster Fri 01-Jan-16 21:04:21

Poor guy my arse.

A boyfriend who was really interested in you wouldn't be going to parties you weren't invited to on New Year's Eve.

magpie17 Fri 01-Jan-16 21:06:43

'Poor guy'??? Bloody hell!! She was attacked while he was away having fun, is understandably shaken and depressed and its 'poor guy'?!!! What is wrong with some people? The mind boggles.

Poor you OP. Of course he should have done more, after two years together. In contrast I was sexually assaulted some years ago while I was away from home and my then partner immediately wanted to drive through the night to be with me. We had only been together a short while and he was a total arse in the end but that was his immediate reaction. I can believe he didn't insist on coming to see you or at least show you more sympathy and support than drunken phone calls from a party. You deserve better and I hope you're ok thanks

Morganly Fri 01-Jan-16 22:53:01

No one I know who has been in a relationship for two years would go to a party on NYE and not invite their partner to go with them, nor make no plans to see them over the Christmas period at all.

He isn't acting like I would expect a boyfriend of two years to act. It's like he has his life and family and friends and social life independent of you and you are an occasional add on, presumably for sex.

You should definitely expect more, not specifically supporting you through your recent traumatic experience, but actually as a boyfriend who wants to be with you, spend time with you, go to parties with you, spend special occasions with you, take you to see his family. That's what normal couples do.

Duckdeamon Fri 01-Jan-16 23:06:24

Very sorry you were attacked.

Even setting his not visiting you after that aside, which is unacceptable, he sounds like a shit boyfriend, busy all christmas and not even inviting you to a NyE party after 2 years!

Haribogirl Sat 02-Jan-16 00:02:11

He knows you were attacked, then offered he come over 3 days later
Wtf!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now