I am going through a breakup three years after relate counselling hasn't improved things. I have basically realised DP just can't give love and support in the way that I need and I can't compromise my needs on this anymore. I am very unhappy.
He is a loyal and honest man, but socially, emotionally and intellectually we are just not compatible. We have clung together through some really challenging times and I thought this combined with loyalty and honesty would be enough for me to make the lifelong commitment to us having two DC together.
However various issues raised their heads several years ago. DP just doesn't seem to be able to support and encourage me in doing anything that takes me away from my role as SAHM (unless it's school hour minimum wage type stuff - ie not impacting on him) including a rewarding career, which I am both capable and deserving of. He has directly and indirectly sabotaged my efforts to continue a career that inspires me over the years. He is quite a drifter (a hard working one admittedly) who lives in the now, but I have goals and aspirations and I just feel choked by his lack of support and motivation.
We've both discussed crushes and how they are probably quite normal in lots of relationships, it's what you do about them that matters. We know they really just shine a light on what is wrong in a relationship and we took this to relate. I had quite a major crush through work before we went to counselling, and left my previous job because of it and got as far away from crush as possible (nothing happened). But, it was due to being acknowledged as being capable and having a brain, and basically being around someone who believed in me and who I felt connected with at a deep level, that I realised this is what's missing from my relationship. We tried to work through this in counselling and things improved a bit, but sadly I think there are just fundamental incompatibilities and DP can never be the type of person I need to motivate and inspire me. He sadly has no idea what things mean to me and I also worry for our DC as I really want them to be motivated and inspired by seeing their parents progress, individually as well as together, and happy.
So I have been progressing with a lifelong project idea I am building and gaining lots of support and it feels like now is the right time for me to do this. Sadly DP let me down again recently and I have told him how unhappy I am and that I want us to break up. I can't run the risk of his sabotage again and I want to be free to find someone who can love and support me. He deserves that too. I am seeing a counsellor who can completely understand and supports my decision in this. After an initial rocky reaction, DP is now taking it quite well and is looking at moving out. I should refer to him as ex DP really.
But here's where it gets messy. Since progressing this route, I am now experiencing a major crush for someone who is believing in me and offering me lots of informal support (nothing inappropriate on their part). Clearly it's a professional relationship but I am so worried I am going to mess everything up (ie lose career on top of everything else!) if I can't get a handle on it, and get this knight in shining armour image out of my head. This man is really well placed to make a real difference to my project, believes in me and is intelligent, sincere, thoughtful and caring, and not married (as far as I know). Shit. I have it bad.
Please help me Mumsnet people, don't judge me, but how do I handle this? It is really bad timing and I really want to not have this crush right now. Even if he was interested/available I am not ready for another relationship and it wouldn't be right or fair on ex DP or the DC. I have lots of things to face as a single parent, my DC need me for just them through this period and it could also be professional suicide. It puts me in a weak position emotionally and more importantly threatens my project. How do I deal with this professionally? Do I admit the crush and hope he can help me work it through with my feet on the ground (I've no doubt he is a man of integrity and respect my position) or cut all ties and risk losing project support? It feels too intense and painful just to carry on and pretend everything is normal - I am sure with my recent goofiness, my feelings will be broadcasted anyway! He's bound to guess something is up and I feel really embarrassed.
Feeling quite a messed up saddo right now
Thank you to anyone for getting this far...
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Relationships
Feelings all over the place :-(
MeloncholyFlower · 01/01/2016 19:08
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