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Feelings all over the place :-(

(23 Posts)
MeloncholyFlower Fri 01-Jan-16 19:08:55

I am going through a breakup three years after relate counselling hasn't improved things. I have basically realised DP just can't give love and support in the way that I need and I can't compromise my needs on this anymore. I am very unhappy.

He is a loyal and honest man, but socially, emotionally and intellectually we are just not compatible. We have clung together through some really challenging times and I thought this combined with loyalty and honesty would be enough for me to make the lifelong commitment to us having two DC together.

However various issues raised their heads several years ago. DP just doesn't seem to be able to support and encourage me in doing anything that takes me away from my role as SAHM (unless it's school hour minimum wage type stuff - ie not impacting on him) including a rewarding career, which I am both capable and deserving of. He has directly and indirectly sabotaged my efforts to continue a career that inspires me over the years. He is quite a drifter (a hard working one admittedly) who lives in the now, but I have goals and aspirations and I just feel choked by his lack of support and motivation.

We've both discussed crushes and how they are probably quite normal in lots of relationships, it's what you do about them that matters. We know they really just shine a light on what is wrong in a relationship and we took this to relate. I had quite a major crush through work before we went to counselling, and left my previous job because of it and got as far away from crush as possible (nothing happened). But, it was due to being acknowledged as being capable and having a brain, and basically being around someone who believed in me and who I felt connected with at a deep level, that I realised this is what's missing from my relationship. We tried to work through this in counselling and things improved a bit, but sadly I think there are just fundamental incompatibilities and DP can never be the type of person I need to motivate and inspire me. He sadly has no idea what things mean to me and I also worry for our DC as I really want them to be motivated and inspired by seeing their parents progress, individually as well as together, and happy.

So I have been progressing with a lifelong project idea I am building and gaining lots of support and it feels like now is the right time for me to do this. Sadly DP let me down again recently and I have told him how unhappy I am and that I want us to break up. I can't run the risk of his sabotage again and I want to be free to find someone who can love and support me. He deserves that too. I am seeing a counsellor who can completely understand and supports my decision in this. After an initial rocky reaction, DP is now taking it quite well and is looking at moving out. I should refer to him as ex DP really.

But here's where it gets messy. Since progressing this route, I am now experiencing a major crush for someone who is believing in me and offering me lots of informal support (nothing inappropriate on their part). Clearly it's a professional relationship but I am so worried I am going to mess everything up (ie lose career on top of everything else!) if I can't get a handle on it, and get this knight in shining armour image out of my head. This man is really well placed to make a real difference to my project, believes in me and is intelligent, sincere, thoughtful and caring, and not married (as far as I know). Shit. I have it bad.

Please help me Mumsnet people, don't judge me, but how do I handle this? It is really bad timing and I really want to not have this crush right now. Even if he was interested/available I am not ready for another relationship and it wouldn't be right or fair on ex DP or the DC. I have lots of things to face as a single parent, my DC need me for just them through this period and it could also be professional suicide. It puts me in a weak position emotionally and more importantly threatens my project. How do I deal with this professionally? Do I admit the crush and hope he can help me work it through with my feet on the ground (I've no doubt he is a man of integrity and respect my position) or cut all ties and risk losing project support? It feels too intense and painful just to carry on and pretend everything is normal - I am sure with my recent goofiness, my feelings will be broadcasted anyway! He's bound to guess something is up and I feel really embarrassed.

Feeling quite a messed up saddo right now sad

Thank you to anyone for getting this far...

magoria Fri 01-Jan-16 19:17:17

To be honest I am not surprised you have a crush on someone who believes in you and offers support when you have a STBDP who deliberately sabotages your chances to do better.

Can you break it down into what you think you like about him and try and look at it that way?

You could say something like 'as you know I have just ended a relationship with an unsupportive P, I am in a slightly vulnerable position where anyone who shows me support etc appeals to me and I apologies if it makes you uncomfortable. However I really appreciate all you have done to help me, how professional you are and that you have not taken any advantage.'

Tough one. Try and get through it for yourself and your work (-:

MeloncholyFlower Fri 01-Jan-16 19:21:48

Thank you magoria flowers

I'm buggered if I'm going to lose this project!

I think I'll just have to try to ride it out and say something if it feels right. Life's complicated enough!

RedMapleLeaf Fri 01-Jan-16 19:36:36

Really don't say anything that strong!

MeloncholyFlower Fri 01-Jan-16 19:40:51

Oh ok! I'm not sure at all what to do :-(

12purpleapples Fri 01-Jan-16 19:43:36

I think that if you could carry on without mentioning the crush that would be for the best, especially if you definitely don't want a relationship right now.

RedMapleLeaf Fri 01-Jan-16 19:43:50

Well, the other stuff magoria said, "Can you break it down into what you think you like about him and try and look at it that way?" and concentrating on more important things like your separation and keeping your job.

Talking to a colleague about your vulnerability and feelings for him would just be really cringe-worthy for both your colleague and you though.

MeloncholyFlower Fri 01-Jan-16 19:48:35

Yes I want to avoid cringeworthy, but it feels like that any way! I can only continue to ride it out and try to be as profesh as poss. At least it might save him some embarrassment <clutches straws>

Breaking it down isn't helping as I seem to like everything! Everything that's been missing from my life.

MiniTheMinx Fri 01-Jan-16 19:48:58

Do not say a thing. Keep your head and your integrity. This project is more important than a man...yep!

Of course its probably understandable that you feel attracted to someone who validates who you are after all this nonsense with your ex, and there is plenty of time to go find such a person once you have your project under control and your family life sorted.

I would probably distract myself in some small but significant way which won't take up too much time, effort of head space. Why not find a nice guy outside of work and go on a few dates. Keep it light, keep it away from work and from family life.

MeloncholyFlower Fri 01-Jan-16 19:49:37

Keeping the job is the most sobering thought though.

MeloncholyFlower Fri 01-Jan-16 19:50:17

Yes thanks Mini, you are probably right.

12purpleapples Fri 01-Jan-16 19:50:44

Its probably not as obvious as you think it is. It doesnt seem like either telling him anything or losing his professional input would be good options.

MiniTheMinx Fri 01-Jan-16 19:52:22

You deserve to be respected, validated, desired, cared for, supported and encouraged. But if you lose your job you may have all those things but a man can't support you to realise your career goals if you have no career!

Distraction is really the most effective short term solution.

Suddenlyseymour Fri 01-Jan-16 21:33:35

Echoing above, do not say a THING. Your job and project are far FAR more important and there is absolutely no way you could continue "normally" at work if you unburdened yourself to this man - there is no way to do it that would not undermine how he sees you or at the very least change how he sees you. You really don't want that. Stay utterly zipped. To be honest there is absolutely no reason for him to know; you could possibly be sabotaging yourself, and after everything you've been through already.....just NO!

Stripyhoglets Fri 01-Jan-16 21:51:08

Don't say anything to him. At all. It will wear off eventually and you don't want to risk any problems at work now you've decided to go it alone.

MeloncholyFlower Fri 01-Jan-16 22:21:07

Thank you peeps flowers

MeloncholyFlower Fri 01-Jan-16 22:37:28

Though feeling I should add that my project could probably continue without crush's (sp?) support, just not quite so well, as he is adding valuable input that I otherwise wouldn't have, but I could look elsewhere for. So it's not as simple as a normal "work thing", I am my own boss and he currently has no formal role (he did have previously through his org) but his organisation could be helpful in the future. Seems like a murky grey area really.

I don't feel like I "should" have another relationship right now, but to be honest if faced with one that let me grow and give my DC what they need then why not? What if he did like me and gave me a few months or something? I honestly am not in the habit of meeting nice, available people. I don't know where I'd start that side of my life again either, all my friends are partnered and internet dating is not my thing (not that I've tried it).

Arrgh I am a lost cause grin

MeloncholyFlower Fri 01-Jan-16 23:58:57

Any night crew out there?

MeloncholyFlower Sat 02-Jan-16 12:16:30


Duckdeamon Sat 02-Jan-16 12:21:10

If you're as focused on career as you say you'll keep your crush in check, not involve others and just be professional. This would be sensible even if you were single!

There will be time in the future to date whoever you like. Now isn't the time to waste energy on a crush: you've decided to work hard and to end your relationship, both of which you can do as well as possible if you focus on that.

Duckdeamon Sat 02-Jan-16 12:25:29

You sound like you're trying to justify an affair or immediately seeking a new relationship.

Don't you want to be as amicable as possible with your H for everyone's sake? And to minimise negative impact on DC of the break up? Ending things as well as possible - no affair, no immediate new boyfriend - is the best hope of achieving that.

ColdWhiteWinePlease Sat 02-Jan-16 12:26:57

I think you are massively over thinking this!

If he is single, then of course you could have a relationship.

Just carry on as normal, and see if something blossoms.

You don't owe your Ex anything now. There's no magic number of months you have to be single for. I met my DH about 7 weeks after I left my ExH. So what? It was right, and we are still going strong over 7 years later.

Enjoy it. Don't panic. Don't make it so complicated!

MeloncholyFlower Sat 02-Jan-16 13:04:16

Thank you ColdWhiteWinePlease, yes I do over think!

Also aware I am often governed by what I think I should do, sometimes to my detriment.

So will carry on as normal, no major declarations, keeping DC and project at the forefront for now, and not worry too much if something does blossom. Only time will tell!

One thing's for sure though, I am going to stop beating myself up for being a human with feelings!

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