Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
help me decipher this...(27 Posts)
I've posted here before about this man i'm now dating. In short, i seperated in July, met him in August for essentially a casual relationship but the first "date" went very well to the point where he said he wanted something more with me and will be exclusive. I liked him a lot and agreed. Sexual problem where he can't perform per usual with a condom on - i've seen the difference for myself several times. We had a pregnancy scare and he didnt think he needed to get himself sorted out. When i posted about this on mn the advice (i am sexually inexperienced) was that he's being selfish etc. I ended it mainly because he didnt think he needed to get help and also he seemed to be losing interest in me although he said this was due to his crazy work (which i know to be true).
Two weeks after i ended it he got back in touch said he was seeking help and is to see a therapist in the new year. He then also talked about the 'relationship' how much he liked me and the fact that he introduced me to some of his friends (but not close friends as they dont live near us) and sibling was because i meant a lot to him. Sibling, friends and colleagues all know me as his gf btw. Said his close friends were expecting me to be with him during the holidays.
We met to discuss way forward. He then reiterated he still really liked me but due to crazy work hours it may have seemed as though he wasnt interested and apologised for it.
Then - and here's where it gets confusing - he said we had agreed this was a casual thing and that he wouldnt be able to committ to a relationship due to his work committments for the time being. Said he didnt really want to introduce me to sibling and friends that time (it was at an event) but his sibling had made arrangements so he had to. Said he was going to ask me to come to his for NYE but as i'd said i have plans with my friends he didnt. Then he told me he couldnt afford the pricey dates we have each week and proceeded to tell me about his financial committments and debts (from a business).
Mixed signals or am i not seeing the actual message? If you can, tell me please.
It's too early for me to say whether i want a longterm relationship with him but i agreed to give it a go at the start so obviously there is a possibility. I am also sorting my divorce and just out of a 12/10 year relationship/ marriage so not sure i should be rushing into anything. A couple of my friends know about him and only because i accidently let slip after a particulary lovely restaurant visit - he knows this.
It sounds to me like neither of you are ready for a committed relationship. And you've only had a few dates. I'd suggest getting to know him a bit more before having the exclusive talk again.
What is his relationship history?
He told you he has a medical issue that means he can't wear a condom ! How do you know he hasn't got any STD's? Also he's told you he can't commit to a relationship due to work commitments and doesn't want to introduce you to people.
The actual message is that he's using you and is probably married.
Please dump him!!
Sorry, not a medical issue but a sexual problem. Basically sounds like he doesn't like wearing a condom.
We've had several dates actually twice a week for two months before his work made that impossible but once a week since then. Always nice dinners, some shows, movies and back to his or mine. The first time i had periods on a date day i told him this, he said fine but we'll still do dinner and whatever else we had planned. When we met he said he was offended that i would think it necessary to say that to him and that it wasnt just a sexual thing we have and he'd still want to see me and hang out.
We are exclusive, he reiterated that when we met last as well.
He was in a similar ltr but has been mostly single for about 3-4 years.
It maybe that neither of us are ready, but i want to understand what he wants and what this suggested 'exclusively seeing each other but not a relationship' thing entails
the first "date" went very well to the point where he said he wanted something more with me and will be exclusive.
Did that not seem a little bit strange to you? Also, why did you write 'date' like that?
Well I suppose you have a couple of questions to ask yourself.
Are you happy to exclusively date this man?
Are you happy with his explanations for changing his mind over Christmas and his 'bedroom problem'?
We could sit and give you many theories but you'll only know the answers by talking frankly to him.
I couldn't be bothered with this. There are plenty of nicer guys out there. Take it easy as you've just come out of a relationship, but for god's sake make sure anyone you date wears a condom. You are putting yourself at such a lot of unnecessary risk otherwise.
maple, not strange because it was actually really good date. we'd planned to get a couple of drinks but it went on for 6 hours and he said it at the end of it. the conversation flowed and the chemistry was something else. we're quite similar in some ways but imporantly he has a lot of qualities i am attracted to. the 'date' because it was more of a meet to see if we'll hit it off in that way.
rock, you could be right - you think he's changed his mind? but then why tell me about all his financial stuff? we do have a good time together so i wouldnt be averse to dating him and i've issues about being exclusive. he is getting help for his bedroom problem, which inturn will allow me to find out about female contraception as well.
but yes, i suppose i'm better off asking him. but i am wondering if i'm missing something, i am inexperienced in relationships (and life generally). and what a casual relationship actually means and what i can expect and provide. on the other hand maybe that too is something i need to discuss with him and set our own path?
I would find a talk about exclusivity very, very strange on the first date because that's an element of a relationship, not a first date. And now you've said it wasn't even a date!
Isn't a first date more about seeing what the conversation is like, seeing if there's a good initial feeling, seeing if you find him physically attractive, seeing what his manners are like, seeing if you have a few things in common? It's not about starting a relationship is it?
Discussing a possible relationship would be far too fast for me and make me wonder why he was in such a hurry to hitch up with a woman after only knowing her/me for a couple of hours. I don't think it's healthy.
i am inexperienced in relationships (and life generally)
Why do you keep saying that? Are you young?
I think there are so many red flags here - which I can say since I have experienced it myself.
Firstly, the guy is so busy at work that he can only see you once a week. Really???? Consider what job he does and what kind of hours people do in that same line of work. The guy I dated came up with the same excuse, but that was because during the supposed time he was soooo busy with work was because he was with his FWB and sleeping with her.
Have you actually met any of his friends/siblings/colleagues - because I'm not sure you have by the sounds of it.
A guy that makes big gestures with expensive dates/dinners - well it's usually because they have something to hide. Most guys don't feel the need to do that?
Exactly why can't he wear a condom??? Unless he's alergic what other excuse does he have other than he doesn't want to. Please make sure you are careful - really it's not worth it he could have an STD for all you know.
He's been kind of single for the last 3-4 years??? Really - sounds like he has been playing the field for the last few years and you believe him.
How did you meet him by the way?
Sorry but I honestly think this guy isn't genuine and you are very naive to believe the things he is telling you. He sounds like a player and you are well and truly being played.
Seeing a new person once a week is aa very good idea. Any more often and you'd be in each other's pockets.
Is he English? Is there some sort of cultural difference?
What is a casual exclusive relationship? I quite like the idea of that, I think all relationships should start out that way, but but but for most people that will seem like a contradiction in terms. Most people (in this day and age!) are either in an exclusive relationship with some level of commitments that suits both, or they are casually dating. Which one are you in?
I agree with Reese "kind of single" playing the field probably, and if he has this issue with condoms he could be a walking hotbed of STDs !
we're mid/late 30s. he's english i'm not but lived here a long time. and we met on a dating site both looking for casual, me as i was so early out of a relationship and him because of his work schedule.
i've had 3 longterm relationships, first two with friends who turned into relationships. 3rd with husband friend of a friend who set us up and it moved into a serious relationship quite quicky - married within 15 months. so i dont know what casual exclusive relationship is exactly!
by kind of single, i mean no ltr for the last 3-4 years he's had some relationships during that time none serious. maybe i wasnt clear i have met his sibling and some of his friends and two of his colleagues. i've seen texts from his close friends winding him up when we were on dates. i know his work field and know the long hours around event times. dinners werent super expensive, just nice ones and standard was set by me based on what i was used to with my husband, and we took turns paying.
we've had sex with and without a condom and the difference is huge! anyway the condom issue is, i think, seperate to this and regardless of how it affects him i've been clear i wont do it without one (thanks to mn) and he is getting help. so i'd like to put that aside for the time being. i gave that so as to not drip feed why we split up.
i am trying to decipher what he wants and the mixed signals he's giving me by the variation in things he says and does and says he wants.
He wants a fuck buddy. It's perfectly clear. He doesn't have time for a relationship and doesn't have funds to go out with you on dates, he just wants sex. Without a condom. I don't think there's anything to decipher.
He wants a fuck buddy
Yeah, I agree. I think the mixed messages is enough of a reason to walk away. I don't think it should be this much hard work at this stage.
Yes it would seem he wants
casual=no expectations on him, his time, his commitment
exclusive= no competition to him, and a clean/free/available/uncontaminated body to stick his dick in
What he isn't offering is any future anytime soon. But that is fine because no one should be talking about happy ever after within such a short time. However a willingness to be loyal/exclusive, make time for each other, keep an open agenda and see where it goes on the basis that you might like it to progress is ok.
Plus you don't know if he is actually seeking help with his aversion to latex
I don't think this is going anywhere other than in circles. If you are happy for that, continue.
Yes I agree he's done all the hard work and now is after just a fuck buddy. I don't think he's after anything serious. Is that what you want?
Oh and the other thing that dawned on me, is this. If he wants casual but exclusive, he is already saying this:
His sexual health is now your concern. Exclusivity should protect him and alleviate the need for him to protect himself. He thinks, if you don't play away then he is fine. So, within a few weeks it will be in the bin with the condoms and him talking you round.
Don't do it.
I just couldn't be bothered. All this palaver, questions, uncertainty, ...
A relationship should feel good, like you've found a partner in life. Someone who fits.
Your masses of questions just demonstrate that this man plain old doesn't fit. And that's OK.
Dump, move on, look for a better fit.
If I'm going on a date I most certainly do not go on dates with others.
That's what exclusivity is. It's not casual shagging around but not full blown pressure of relationships.
Agreed with PP thou. Too many questions this early on!
Also I forgot to say, He specifically said he didn't and couldnt be fuck buddies with me cos he likes me too much. Also He has always and still does text me 3-4 times a day starting with morning and then depending on my response and always interested int life and what I say. Texts are mostly started by him.
Thanks for your thought. But this mixed messages is becoming tiresome. Moreso so soon after his initial reaction to the condom issue. And thats too much crap and drama to deal with so early on.
I don't expect to get into a relationship quickly but atleast need to know that we're both considering that. I can't do fuck buddies. I'm out as they say. (I fucking hope so, I am quite tenacious and hate being on my own -getting help for that- and obviously trying to hold onto someone who appears to like me).
So he can't be fuck buddies with you but obviously has had them in the past by the sounds of it??? Doesnt that contradict him wanting to be in a casual relationship.
This guy sounds like a waste - if you don't want to be his fuck buddy I suggest you dump him. Relationships this early on should not be this difficult which other posters have also said.
Sorry if our words seem harsh - it's always the person in the situation that can't see what's right in front of them. If you are anything like me you want to see the good in people all the time - when in reality some guys are really out to use you.
There's nothing wrong with being alone and waiting for a nice, decent guy.
This is why I'm here! he behaves one way, and what he says he wants is mixed and confusing.
I am here for people's honest opinions and happy for harsh words I do need them!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.