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Looking for perspectives

(6 Posts)
Rattybattycatty Fri 01-Jan-16 11:21:55

Sorry, this is likely to be long due to not wanting to drip feed. Have been with my partner for 8 years, bought a house together 4 years ago with me paying 70% and him 30%. I had one child still at home when we met, and partner has always been absolutely lovely with him and accepting of the fact that I still have contact with my ex-husband. Partner started a business as we moved into the house and has contributed little financially since then as any profit was ploughed back into the business, buying new equipment etc. Completely out of the blue last April I got a call from his business partner saying they were in trouble as tax bill had not been paid as the company had no funds. I lent them the money to sort this out - they have still not sorted out selling eqyipment/ paying me back/ dissolving the company. I am tired of asking/ nagging/ suggesting ways forward,and really need the money back. Partner is not working and I am financing everything. If it was just this problem I think I could cope, but we have never really had a physical relationship, even since the early days. I have asked many times if there was a problem and was always told it was due to tiredness/ stress about work. Over the years I have begun to feel worthless and unattractive in this regard, as well as lonely.. we feel more like flat mates, albeit ones who get on well. Then suddenly as the business problems occurred, my partner finally shared with me that he had been abused as a child. He has never confided in anyone before and it took enormous courage... now this is out in the open I have been able to try and support him, but he has become very down... he went to the doctor just before Christmas and is on Ads and waiting to see a counsellor. Whilst I am empathic and want so much to support him through this, I am also now feeling down and also cross. I feel he has lied by ommission both about the state of the business, and the reasons we have never had a full and loving relationship. I am tired of supporting us, and feeling responsible for him, and can't seem to find a way forward. Obviously these things are never as simple as they sound and this is only told from my perspective. I don't know what I'm hoping to hear really, maybe from anyone who has been in a similar position and found a way through.....

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Fri 01-Jan-16 11:27:46

Sorry you find yourself in this position. Clearly he has communicated very little with you and is bring nothing into the relationship, - with reason - which makes you feel guilty for feeling the way you do.
Can you meet with the business partner? Why didnt your DP ask for the loan?
I think you have a lot of unanswered questions. Write them down and ask.

Angleshades Fri 01-Jan-16 11:42:25

A relationship is meant to be about give and take but it seems to have become very one sided in yours. You are supporting him financially and emotionally and are not receiving much back in the way of support yourself. You are not his mother, you need to have your needs met too and he is just not fulfilling them regardless of whether this is his fault or not. I know he's been abused as a child and is struggling with his business...etc but it is not your job to hold the fort forever. There is only so much you can do and it sounds like he's completely exhausted you. How much more can you give? You need to decide if this relationship is ever going to meet your needs. If it isn't then you need to make plans to move on, hard as that may be it would be the right thing to do for yourself.

Cabrinha Fri 01-Jan-16 11:46:27

So is the business partner still working but not your boyfriend?
If neither of them is working in the business now, it's ultimatum time to sell the equipment.

Will the cash from that pay you back the tax money? Or did you pay for the equipment for them anyway?

Unless there is money in the business, how else do you expect him to pay you back, as he has barely contributed financially for 4 years?

Did you legally define the 70/30 split on the house with a solicitor? Can you change that now to 75/25 or whatever to reflect the money owed? (properly, with a solicitor)

OP, forget the fact he's nice to your child - and definitely forget the fact he's OK with you have contact with your XH. That gets him zero brownie points. It's a given. Now forget that he was abused, for the question I'm about to ask, that's not your problem - harsh, but true. So... do you actually want to be with him? You've never really had a physical relationship with him. Did you compromise in being with him in the first place?

I'm not feeling a lot of love from your post. That's not a criticism. Just my opinion that when you start posting "and he's nice cos he doesn't mind me having necessary contact with an ex", well - feels like you're scraping the barrel for good stuff to say.

And why the hell did it take for the business partner to tell you about the tax bill?

Why isn't your boyfriend working now?

You don't have to stay with him because he was abused. And if you do love him and want you both to make it work, it's ultimatum time over the business and repaying the loan. Does the business partner also owe you?

Rattybattycatty Fri 01-Jan-16 16:17:42

Sorry for the delay...real life intervened...and thank you for all your replies. To answer some questions, Once the partner told me about the tax bill I offered to pay it to save them any further difficulties. The company owns the equipment and they have recently decided how to split it and what to sell but are dragging their feet....I will get the money back eventually it's just they seem to have no sense of urgency.My Partner did not tell me initially because he felt so awful about it and was burying his head really. He is not working now, for the last 2 months, as he is really struggling with the psychological problems stemming from the abuse, and has had difficult physical side effects from starting the ADs, Its a Pandora's box and I'm so glad he has finally felt able to face it, but it will be a painful process and I think he is terrified of how it will all work out once the box is fully opened. I do love him, he is great company, has really helped me through some low times, and is generally so kind- but you're right, I do feel exhausted by it all and taken advantage of. I think I need to give him the time and support to get through the next wee while and just sit back a bit and see what happens job and finances wise...

Joysmum Fri 01-Jan-16 18:13:24

If you're not convinced they are doing all they can to sell the equipment, have them sign it over to you as (part)payment of the debt. Makes sure it's theirs and not got borrowing g secured against it before you do so!

From what I've read, you've got far superiour skills than they have to get a quicker sale.

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