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How best to retaliate against chronic stubbornness (mil related)

(12 Posts)
Mirrormirroronthewall1 Thu 31-Dec-15 13:26:55

Been with dh for 10 years and his mother has always been hardworking but since I've had dc she's upped it several notches.

She always wants to be in her home ( doesn't like going out or to other people's homes)
All occasions must be celebrated at her house, dc's birthdays, Xmas, Mother's Day etc she's gotten away with it because her daughter panders to her and allows this.
When we had dc who was 2 months at Xmas mil insisted we spent Xmas with her as its tradition that her grandchildren spend first birthdays and Xmas with her, in my post birth haze I agreed to this but we went to my family as well to visit shortly. It wasn't the best Xmas but we got through it. The following year we suggested both families come to our house, which my family were very excited about, mil on the other hand came with the 'tradition' thing and dh guilted me into allowing her to ruin our plans and spend Xmas with her. The following year I put my foot down and insisted we are not going round there. He suggested he took dc and I stay at home, ( that was his compromise) we had a huge argument about it not being fair, he insisted that she should see dc on Xmas day.
Now comes this year, I've said in no uncertain terms are we leaving the house but she's welcome to come here. We've never had a Xmas as a family but instead driving around London to accommodate mil. She wasn't happy about this but had no choice, dh has started to understand that she's being selfish though it took a lot of convincing. Now it's new year and we were going to spend it at home and his his sister and dc's and a few other friends come round. He's just spoken sil and said what times she coming, she said she's not sure as she's not feeling well nor is her 6 month old. and might have to mil as she will be home alone ( her partner is going out) dh suggested she brings her here or we move the celebrations to sil (mil house isn't big enough for the children to run around) mil doesn't want this she wants to stay at home and for us all to go to hers. So I've just said to dh to go with the dc's and I'll stay at home. Mil is so stubborn and always get her way, it's becoming impossible, I've given in to her demands, I've retaliated with stubbornness but she doesn't budge. What advice would you give?

Mirrormirroronthewall1 Thu 31-Dec-15 13:27:48

Sorry for the awful grammar! Using phone

Duckdeamon Thu 31-Dec-15 13:29:42

Your problem here is your DH.

You don't have to do what MiL wants.

Duckdeamon Thu 31-Dec-15 13:30:19

Read up on assertiveness.

TimeToMuskUp Thu 31-Dec-15 13:31:07

I'd refuse to dance to her tune any more. SIL wants to go to MIL's tonight where her DCs can't play and run about, let her. MIL wants to try and change everything to suit her. Stick to your plans and brazen it out "it's a shame you couldn't come, we had such a lovely evening".

2rebecca Thu 31-Dec-15 13:31:37

Your problem is your husband and him wanting to be with his mother rather than you. You can't stop your MIL being stubborn, you can only control what you do. Ideally "you" should encompass your husband and the kids as well. he is the one derailing things by not wanting to stay with you and choosing to go to his mothers. Why not keep the kids with you or do you prefer to be alone?

RandomMess Thu 31-Dec-15 13:32:48

You can either compromise and sometimes have celebrations at hers or you can invite her to events and yours and not feel guilty when she misses out if she refuses to go.

"That doesn't work for us" when she tried to insist events are held at hers.

It does sound on a practical level that having the DC events at hers doesn't work anymore anyway as they will trash the place??

Mirrormirroronthewall1 Thu 31-Dec-15 13:41:45

I see that dh plays a part in her stubbornness. She tugs at his heart strings 'mum will be at home alone.' It's her choice to be alone! She doesn't want to go out with her partner. Same thing this Xmas once sil found out we weren't going to mil's on Xmas she had the courage to say to dh she was going to do the same, then in the end relented and went to mil. ( this was after trying to convince dh to go to mil's as she'd been doing it for 15 years, she has a teenager dc)
I always end up coming off as the bad guy: if we all don't go then I'm keeping the kids away, if I don't go then it looks like I have a problem.

Last Mother's Day dh thought it was ok to take dc's and spend the day with her.... (We've since discussed this) I went out with my mum and sis as I didn't want to be alone for the day.

Hissy Thu 31-Dec-15 13:47:07

When precisely are YOU going to be able to celebrate things as the female/mother/parent in your family?

He thought it ok that you spent Mother's Day alone? Without your children?

Your mil makes her own life hard, if that's what she wants, that's her decision.

Hissy Thu 31-Dec-15 13:48:17

Your mil is fundamentally lazy, entitled and selfish.

pocketsaviour Thu 31-Dec-15 13:50:13

Does your MiL have a physical or mental health problem that makes it difficult for her to leave her home?

2rebecca Thu 31-Dec-15 13:58:49

Why doesn't your husband go and leave the kids with you? Taking the kids away from their mother on mother's day sounds bizarre. OK he wants to see his mum but surely he can see she's not your mum or his kids' mum. I'd be packing him off alone and making it clear he is the one choosing not to go along with the original plan of new year at your house.

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