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Marriage struggling after Abortion

(7 Posts)
Hermagsjesty Wed 30-Dec-15 20:32:49

Me and DH have been together 10yrs - married 7 - and have 2 children (4 and almost 2yo). I've always wanted 3 children. DH wanted to stick with 2. After much discussion we decided to be grateful with 2 - DH is a lovely Dad but he does find it very mistress full and tiring, especially the baby stage and as our youngest got older, DH was visibly happier and I felt content with our little family too. Almost as soon as we'd made the decision, I fell accidentally pregnant. Our youngest was 18mo at the time. I had v bad morning sickness and was exhausted. DH was incredibly supportive and said he'd support whatever decision I made but I knew he didn't want another baby- certainly not so soon. So, after much soul searching we terminated the pregnancy. Immediately after I regretted the decision and have been struggling with an overwhelming sense of grief. And most difficult - I am finding myself really resenting my DH. For example, likes going out drinking with his mates (always has) but I suddenly find myself seething over it. He absolutely didn't pressurise me - but I know I wouldn't have made the decision if it wasn't for him. We are trying to talk about it - but it's difficult as neither of us wants to hurt the others feelings. I am also longing for another baby. Is this fixable? Should we be considering counselling? I very much want to make it work and get back to where we were.

hefzi Wed 30-Dec-15 20:45:21

I would definitely think about counselling - not necessarily as a couple, though this may also help, but mainly for you, so you can work through the feelings you have around the termination aside from your OH.

You can definitely resolve things if you want to - but you are right: you do need to talk about it!

weekendninja Wed 30-Dec-15 20:52:16

I'm so sorry that your going through this.
I had an abortion at the age of 17 and started counselling when I was 28, following the birth of my DS. I was told that I needed to experience the cycle of grieving that occurs when somebody dies.
I completed it and it really did help. It made everything slot into place and made me realise that I made my choice because at the time I thought it was the right thing to do.
It took me months and at times was extremely upsetting. You may find that this counselling will really help, but be prepared for some wounds to open up.

Morganly Wed 30-Dec-15 21:27:10

I think you should consider counselling for yourself initially. You have been through a traumatic decision and loss and some support with processing your thoughts and feelings about it may be beneficial. You might later want to consider some counselling together but you may find that the individual counselling enables you to talk to your husband about how you feel and that is enough.

Be kind to yourself and patient with yourself. It is not surprising that you are struggling to deal with what you rightly identify as grief. It is well known that one of the stages of grief is anger. It is OK to feel this way.

Hermagsjesty Wed 30-Dec-15 21:54:54

Thank you all for being so kind. Will look into individual counselling initially and see where we go from there...

Branleuse Wed 30-Dec-15 21:59:25

is it early days OP?

I think after an abortion you can go through the equivalent of the baby blues or even PND. Its a massive hormonal crash. You obviously felt very pressured even if you dont think your dh meant to pressure you.

I think it would do you good to talk to someone, and dont forget the reasons you made the decision. I hope your dh is being sensitive

mellowyellow1 Wed 30-Dec-15 22:28:27

Agree about the counselling, you need to talk about how the abortion has affected you and the worst thing to do would be to keep it all inside.

Although some women are fine afterwards others experience a deep emotional grief similar to a loss of a person we love etc. I do hope you can find peace somewhere flowers

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