I didn't know where to put this and I'm afraid to write in my journal, for fear of the honesty that comes out there. My therapist is on hols until next week and my biggest support is also on holiday.
I'm ok, not in crisis but finding it so hard right now. Therapy has been tough and then Xmas eve was an anniversary and tomorrow night too. Tomorrow of when my abuser got me drunk and then raped me. I was 14. He was much older and had groomed me and exploited me.
It hurts and what's worse is I don't even really remember that particular incident, just bits of it, flashes of disjointed memories. So if I barely remember, why is the PTSD so bad right now?
Chips I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment, when you don't have your usual support around you. I am also a survivor of abuse as a child and I know how overwhelming it can feel.
Are there some plans you can make for tomorrow which will help you feel grounded and safe? What are you plans at the moment - are you working tomorrow, do you live with anyone else, planning to see friends, etc?
Thanks for the reply. I have a wonderful dh and two small children. My dh works from home so is always with me. I'm not alone. He knows of my abuse and is incredibly supportive, but I struggle to tell him things. It's easier when individuals are slightly removed from me so I do not fear upsetting them. No plans as yet, other than to stay home and to be asleep early if possible. It happened around 2am, so it's best to be asleep and sleep thru the worst. I have my grounding therapy pillow and I wear chiming bell jewellery which helps a lot.
I'm hoping to get some fresh air tomorrow with the dog and later with the children at the park. Stay busy while also allowing the fears and feelings as they come. It's a fine line and a difficult balance
It's easier when individuals are slightly removed from me so I do not fear upsetting them.
I hear you! I feel the same.
I think getting out with DC and dog sounds like a good plan. Get those endorphins from exercise plus fresh air always helps. And always helps me sleep more easily.
Is your DH aware of the significance of the date? Will he be able to quickly take over with DC if you feel you urgently need some time alone?
Do you have any kind of avatar or mental image of your inner child? Something I do when I'm struggling with flashbacks or body memories is I have a teddy bear which I've made an avatar of Little Pockets and I cuddle up around him (yeah it's a male bear though I'm a woman, it's just my crazy brain) and tell my child self that she is safe now and it's okay to be sad or scared or angry, and that I will protect her. In these moments I imagine Adult Pocket as channelling Brienne of Tarth - huge Game of Thrones nerd here
Thanks. My dh will take over if necessary. The boys are pretty good tho, they play nicely together, mostly!
My dh isn't aware of the anniversary but I will tell him tomorrow, even if by text! Sometimes I just cannot say it aloud.
My support (local minister) wouldn't mind me texting him..Nor would my therapist, but I hate bothering them. I need them to rest on hols, so they can come back, refreshed and able to listen to my shit. If it gets bad I will call the samiritans.
The inner child thing is interesting. I love fairy lights and very soft things. I also sometimes watch kids shows when things are bad! Stuff from my childhood like noddy or postman pat