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Things will never improve, will they?

(106 Posts)
FlintlockMusketoon Wed 30-Dec-15 18:31:52

I've never posted before but have lurked for some time now. Apologies in advance for the length of this.

I'm caught in an increasingly abusive relationship. My DP is significantly older than me, divorced with children. We have been together four years and things have been volatile for some time. Mainly I seem to put up with his gambling tantrums and silent treatment. I am a 32 yr old with a degree and a career, I've travelled and lived in several different places prior to meeting him so have life experience and my own opinions but he treats me like a child and gets angry when I do things my way and not his 'correct' way.

After a fairly major incident on the 21st, things calmed down and Christmas was really quite nice. He can be very very thoughtful and loving. All has been pleasant until this morning.

I commute to work by bus and he will usually walk with me to the bus stop, taking the dog, then go for a long walk with the pooch after I catch my bus. Today, the bus was early and i just missed it. I have hurt my knee (old injury) and didn't want to run for the bus so fully intended to just wait for the next one (15 mins or so). No big drama, no big deal.

DP decided to chase the bus down, waving his arms and yelling for it to stop. The driver did the usual thing of ignoring him and driving on but DP was adamant that if I had been less slow, I would have caught the bus. He then told me he would take me part way in the car but I was honestly not fussed and said I was happy to wait for the next bus. He started screaming at me in the street, telling me to just do as I was told then stormed off, muttering under his breath and calling me a child. I followed him back to the house where he proceeded to shout at me, calling me stupid and childish and insisting that he had stopped the bus for me, i made a fool of him and I was a c* for not running after him. He got in the car and I put the (still collared and coated) dog in the back seat. He exploded, screaming at me for bringing the dog.

I calmly put the house keys on the passenger seat and walked off without saying a word. This was at 7am in the morning, pitch black, raining and the neighbours could hear everything. I just don't have the fight left in me anymore, I feel totally beaten down and wanted to walk away.

Standing back at the bus stop, his car pulls up, horn honking. He didn't even roll down the window but instead sat in the car and screamed at the top of his voice 'Get in the fucking car or else'. He repeated this over and over. I was too frightened and overwhelmed to know what to do and I just stood there like an idiot with the other people at the bus stop looking on appalled. He then tries 'Get in the fucking car or else don't come fucking home again - are you getting in?' When I shook my head, he roared off in the car. Lady at bus stop said she was on the verge of calling the police as she was so shaken by the anger in him. As it happens, someone did call the police and they got hold of me, came to my work to take a statement and will likely be arresting him this evening.

I don't know what I want people to say. I guess I have just realised this will go on and on and never get any better but now I feel utterly awful that the police are involved. He will see it as a betrayal of the worst sort and I'm also scared for him. This will never improve will it?

Thankgodforthat Wed 30-Dec-15 18:36:26

Don't be scared for him, the big bully. It must have been bad if someone called the police. What with his anger, treating you like a child, gambling and silent treatment, why on earth are you with him? Disgusting behaviour. Tell him where to go.

AyeAmarok Wed 30-Dec-15 18:41:58

He needs professional help to address his anger problems, by the sounds of it.

You do not deserve to be treated like this!

Imagine how bad it must have appeared to strangers for someone to call the police sad

You did really well not to get in the car with him when he told you to at the bus stop. Well done <sneaky hug>

LuluJakey1 Wed 30-Dec-15 18:49:25

There is something really wrong with this man. You need him out of your life.
He must have mental health issues to behave like this. It is so far from normal it is just bizarre and terrifying.
Just take the dog and get away from him. Or get him out of the house permanently.

spudlike1 Wed 30-Dec-15 18:56:27

It's a good thing the police have been called and his behaviour has been witnessed, you need to face up to this situation of how to leave a dangerous frightening man ..I feel for you , it must have been awful for years .

FlintlockMusketoon Wed 30-Dec-15 19:29:31

Thanks all, I am just feeling a bit fragile and wondering whether that was the right thing to do. I think I have been blinded by the times he is lovely to me and he can be really sweet. He doesn't think he has any problem though. I'm the problem apparently!

Thanks Amarok for the hug, cheered me up!

Thankgodforthat Wed 30-Dec-15 19:33:26

Well if you're the problem in his eyes, do him a favour and leave.

He sounds far from 'sweet' and 'lovely' I'm afraid.

BolshierAryaStark Wed 30-Dec-15 19:34:10

Dear god, he has problems alright.
You sound intelligent, you therefore know what to do.

petalsandstars Wed 30-Dec-15 19:37:13

You recognise it is increasingly abusive.

Make the break and LTB

ImperialBlether Wed 30-Dec-15 19:38:10

Exactly what Thankgodforthat says. If you're the problem, he'll be glad when you go, won't he?

Is he retired?

Do you live together?

Chippednailvarnish Wed 30-Dec-15 19:39:36

Leave now, it will only get worse. After all if this is what he is happy to do in public what will happen when he loses it in private?

FlintlockMusketoon Wed 30-Dec-15 19:47:36

True, if I'm the issue then he should be happy to let me go. However, he has told me several times that I will never leave him for good. I think that may be about to change...

He is indeed retired, just. I mostly live at his house but I do own my own place. At the moment I have a tenant though so currently camping in my dad's spare room. Didn't think returning to his was a wise move tonight.

Reading my op back, I'm just amazed by how bad it all sounds. It's just the straw that broke the camel's back, latest in a long line of crap that I've put up with.

MoominPie22 Wed 30-Dec-15 19:48:18

Thank God the police are already involved and it was effectively taken out of your hands. No offence, but if it disturbed others that much it must have been VERY bad plus when we are emotionally involved we aren't very quick off the mark and can not look at the situation objectively and with clarity.

I'm so glad you didn't get in that car! Good on you for standing up to him. But wot is the current state of play? Are you in the house on your own? Are you meant to ring the police when he arrives back? Do you have a friend you can call to come round and be with you?

You absolutely, without question need to get out and away from this abusive, bullying, fuckwit. How dare he put you through such an ordeal? Patronizing, nasty shithead angry

FlintlockMusketoon Wed 30-Dec-15 19:48:43

Chipped yes, that was what scared me. He really didn't care who was around to see or hear him.

FlintlockMusketoon Wed 30-Dec-15 19:53:43

Thanks Moomin, I couldn't get in the car, I was absolutely terrified. I just stood there. Currently I'm at my dad's and have the use of his spare room. My brother and his GF are also here so not alone. Police are apparently going to call me when they pick him up but I haven't heard anything yet.

ImperialBlether Wed 30-Dec-15 20:25:45

Think about it, OP. You are 32, with a good job and a degree. You own your own place. What the FUCK are you doing with this violent pensioner? Is this the life you envisaged for yourself when you were young? Did you dream of this type of relationship? Do you think other people your own age are jealous of you?

Jibberjabberjooo Wed 30-Dec-15 20:31:28

Get the fuck out, you're not married, you don't have children so you have no ties. This will never ever get better, it really is that bad so run, fast. Think how awful it was if a stranger had to call the police.

trackrBird Wed 30-Dec-15 20:42:27

It sounds bad because it is bad. What you're seeing is escalation of abuse.

Please keep safe and away from him.

I'm afraid all abusers are lovely and sweet and thoughtful sometimes. It doesn't mean a thing.

FlintlockMusketoon Wed 30-Dec-15 21:02:13

Imperial - no to all of those questions. I know, I have truly no longer got a clue why I am putting myself through this.

I think I have allowed myself to be suckered by the nice times but as many of you have said, they aren't really the truth are they? I think I'm a bit in shock how bad it got today.

loooopo Wed 30-Dec-15 21:08:58

You poor girl. Do you have support in RL?

Stay away.

Get some counselling to support you extricating yourself from this nasty piece of work and to understand how you were reeled in and continued to stay.

What have your other relationships been like?

Some thing I read on here "Sunlight is the best disinfectant" - this is what has happened here - the abuse came out in the open, a light was shone on it and people called it and reacted appropriately.

Look up WA and The Freedom Programme to validate what you have been thru.

You had a guardian angel looking out for you today.

Take care.

Eminado Wed 30-Dec-15 21:16:57

Your post made terrifying reading. Honestly he is completely out of control and THANK GOODNESS you didnt get in and someone had the good sense to call the police for help.

You are so lucky you have your youth, no ties, family for support, assets, an education, prospects, options.

Take your poor dog and get the hell out and never look back. Your whole life is ahead of you.

HoundPaws Wed 30-Dec-15 21:20:38

This sounds just like my ex. He behaved like this regularly including sucking me in afterwards with his repeated begging and promises that it wouldn't happen again. I foolishly stayed with him for far too long and really regret all the wasted years of fear, misery, dread and abuse. I too had my own resources and no reason to stay, but was loyal and forgiving when I shouldn't have been. Life was SO much better when I eventually left him so I really hope you are strong enough to do so now x

stopfuckingshoutingatme Wed 30-Dec-15 21:23:38

Good luck op - there is a new law passed and verbal abuse and intimidating behaviour is taken pretty seriously

Of course he is nice sometimes - that's why you fell for him - but some things are unforgivable

Good luck and please move on - can you imagine being lumbered with this behaviour and kids ???

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 30-Dec-15 21:26:02

Ugh, what an absolute horror of a man. Your life starts today lovely, once he is out of your life.

emmamoo11 Wed 30-Dec-15 21:27:27

Leave him

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