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Does it ever get better?

(21 Posts)
EmissaryoftheGorgonites Wed 30-Dec-15 16:18:35

DP and I have been together 7 years, we have a DS (2). Since having DS our relationship has been fine but was very rocky before. 

DP was cheated on in his previous LTR. This somehow played a part in how he treated me (according to him) as for the first 3 years of our relationship he would regularly flirt with and sext a plethora of other women. I confronted him about it several times, he denied it, I showed him proof (that I'd found on social media, it was actually out there in public excluding the sexting which I found on his laptop) he apologised and that is how things continued on for a long while. He also met up with 2 women but denies sleeping with them, 1 actually slept at his home in his bed, he said he slept on the floor. 

2 years in I discovered he'd been having an emotional affair I suppose with another woman. All the messages I found were incredibly love sick and spoke of them being together. I confronted him and he told me he was in love with her and that he didn't love me the same way. I have no idea how or why we continued on from that but several weeks later he visited her, travelling 3 hours to do so despite my protests. He denies anything happening between them and shortly after broke all contact, she found herself a boyfriend and I suppose he felt very strung along. 

On 2 occasions I broke up with him only to have him literally beg me on hand and knee not to leave him, that he was sorry, that he didn't know why he did this, that he loved me. 

Whilst pregnant with my DS I found that he'd been trying to find the profile of the woman he'd had an emotional affair with and that really fucking stung. I thought we were past it but whilst I'm carrying his child he is still thinking of this other woman. He claims it was just curiosity. 

Since then nothing has happened, so about 2 and a half years but all of it has stayed with me and I find the longer I am with him the more bitter and resentful I become. He is the only man I have ever been with or loved. We have a beautiful DS together and a lovely home and repeatedly from single friends I hear that we are "the perfect couple" because I haven't told them any of this.

But I am so sick of carrying these memories and hurt around with me. Every so often I can't cope and it all comes spilling out again. I feel so naive for allowing myself to be used but grateful that I stuck around because now we have our DS. 

Has anyone ever been in this position? Does it ever get better? I want to be together for our DS but the truth is I'm not sure if I'll get over how DP treated me. 

mum2mum99 Wed 30-Dec-15 16:24:30

He surely finds it hard to keep it in his pants. I don't see why it should get better. You have put up with it so why should he stop?
You say you feel used. Do you only stay because of DS?

JeanSeberg Wed 30-Dec-15 16:26:54

Give yourself and your son the best new year present and ditch the disrespectful arsehole.

mum2mum99 Wed 30-Dec-15 16:32:53

You are doing your DS no favour. The only role model he will have is someone who is a liar and a cheat. You both deserve better

loveyoutothemoon Wed 30-Dec-15 16:36:31

How can it?

EmissaryoftheGorgonites Wed 30-Dec-15 16:47:00

I do love him but not in the way I used to. I think I only love him because he is the father of my child.

I do only stay for my DS, yes. He is a brilliant Father, that is something I truly cannot fault him on, our DS is his world. The idea of leaving and being on our own worries me because of all the upheaval that comes with it. The possibility of having to move, the financial aspect.

BolshierAryaStark Wed 30-Dec-15 16:49:25

Staying together for the sake of your child is a big mistake, do him & yourself a favour & move on-don't teach your son that his fathers behaviour is in any way acceptable.

JeanSeberg Wed 30-Dec-15 17:11:55

Brilliant fathers don't teach they're sons it's ok to shag around and treat their mothers like shit.

JeanSeberg Wed 30-Dec-15 17:12:05


loveyoutothemoon Wed 30-Dec-15 17:27:34

Don't stay together for the sake of your child, you deserve to be with someone that makes you happy not miserable.

Your child is only two. It wouldn't affect him like an older child. Trust me, I've been there it's awful when they know what's going on. What if you stay and want to leave him later on, it could be so much worse.

You need to respect yourself, think about what this man is doing to your self esteem. You need to believe there is better out there.

EmissaryoftheGorgonites Wed 30-Dec-15 17:30:13

JeanSeberg, he hasn't cheated on me since we've had DS. I really don't believe that how he treats me effects his ability as a Father. He IS a good Father and always has been. A partner on the other hand, not so much.

BolshierAryaStark Wed 30-Dec-15 18:42:37

What did you want from this thread OP?
In my honest opinion I truly do not understand why you went ahead & had a child with this man when he showed you he had fuck all respect for you & trampled all over your feelings. This is however irrelevant as you did & you can't undo it, nor I presume would you want to as you have DS -although unfortunately this ties you to the fuckwit--
He wont change, he's probably just more careful now, though I don't believe it would matter ifhe did as the damage is done & I don't honestly think you can move on from it.

BolshierAryaStark Wed 30-Dec-15 18:43:10

Fucking strike through fail there... hmm

inlectorecumbit Wed 30-Dec-15 18:53:24

* he hasn't cheated on me since we've had DS.*
how can you be so sure of this. He probably has just got better at hiding it.

You don't love him, he can be a good dad -you don't have to stay together for him to be that.

EmissaryoftheGorgonites Wed 30-Dec-15 18:57:01

Truthfully? A kick up the arse. I haven't told anyone any of what he has done, I really needed to get it all out and get it off my chest.

I know I shouldn't have stayed with him but without going into a long story at the time we got together I was very low, had a lot going on in my home life and was flattered that someone had paid me attention despite how I felt about myself.

I feel guilt towards having DS with him but not regret. We didn't plan DS, it happened and I was unwilling to abort and gave him the choice of stay or go. I feel guilt for having brought DS into a relationship that I knew inevitably couldn't last.

I know leaving is the best thing to do and have been toying with it for months now, I just need the balls to actually have the talk with him. Posting here and putting it out in the open helps as I am not just going over and over things in my head and making excuses.

BolshierAryaStark Wed 30-Dec-15 19:29:45

Ok so read the replies & take notice of what they say. Stop hiding from the inevitable, he's no good & highly unlikely to improve-though tbf he'd have to improve massively to even start becoming a decent man.
Get rid & do it now, NYE tomorrow-a great time to start afresh.
You deserve better, stop selling yourself so short.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 30-Dec-15 19:37:31

People's bad traits usually get worse after having children, not better. You've just been too busy to notice I reckon.

Start telling people. Lots of people. Don't hide his dirty little secret.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 30-Dec-15 19:41:28

I just need the balls to actually have the talk with him

Actually no.

First you need the balls to quietly speak to a solicitor, get the paperwork together, plan how to resist when he begs, inform those who think you are the perfect couple of how he cheated and rubbed your nose in it, work out your finances and what co-parenting arrangement you would like.

Then you have the talk.

maeggee Wed 30-Dec-15 20:23:54

Honey you need to know that we are allowed to make mistakes , who has not? Who cannot? There are times as well we don't have the right balls to do the right thing by us , we have them for others but not ourselves , that is not just you , we women go through it , those who say they don't are either lying to themselves or pretend to enjoy their boring lives.Allow yourself time to think about your next step , uncover the truth about how life will be with new changes and if you feel comfortable with the whole package go for it .I tell you one thing , we women are capable of anything once we are ready for it.

EmissaryoftheGorgonites Wed 30-Dec-15 22:42:56

I suspect he has got better at hiding it, I admit that I check his phone and Facebook regularly, there is no trust on my part whatsoever. I haven't found anything since over 2 years ago but I can definitely see him making sure I don't find anything.

I opened up to a friend tonight, we aren't particularly close but I wanted to tell someone who doesn't know him personally in case they approached him. I explained just as I did in my OP and her response was "oh but it was a whiuke ago now"! confused

We're not married and he is the sole earner so I've started looking into what I can claim for me and DS. We currently rent privately but my hope is that he would look elsewhere as me and DS need the space more.

EmissaryoftheGorgonites Wed 30-Dec-15 22:43:37


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