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Did you create a reality for yourself where you started to have healthier relationships?

(7 Posts)
bodenbiscuit Wed 30-Dec-15 16:14:53

Lately I've tried to remove the people in my life who are negative influences. For some reason I seem to be attracted to men who don't treat me very well and who also are emotionally unavailable (like my dad). I also have AS and I'm sure this affects my perception of boundaries and what's appropriate what's acceptable etc...

Recently I've got in contact with a guy who I met a few years ago. I felt there was an attraction between us but I was in a relationship at the time. Now, we are both single. His approach to me has certainly been very different to the usual men I get involved with who barely ask how I am amd are only interested in what they can get from me or what I can do for them. He seems kind, attentive and genuinely interested in my life and my children. He is not asking me for nude photos!

I find that when people are nice to me it makes me feel uncomfortable. I know that I should feel the opposite. Is this something that can be overcome? I have, in the last few years only had casual relationships simply because all of my relationships in the past have been abusive and I don't want my children to have fucked up models of relationships to play out themselves.

I would really like to change and recreate a different reality for myself. Is it possible to do?

mum2mum99 Wed 30-Dec-15 16:52:51

Hi Boden. One way to recreate a different reality for yourself is to go to counselling.
Your dad was emotionally unavailable so you have built your personality around it. So removing negative influences might not ne enough. There are a few good read that might benefit you such as 'Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life' by Susan Forward. On abusive relationships 'why does he do that' by Lundy BANCROFT'. Good luck.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer Wed 30-Dec-15 17:06:30

Yes, most people can change if they want to enough, and if they keep persevering. YOu probably can't eradicate old patterns of thought/attraction, it might come back in v stressful times, but you can build up enough of a good pattern that you can change your life out of all recognition.

As mum2mum says skilled therapy helps with this, and be prepared for a tough time during it. (also find the right therapist for you - you should see some improvmeent after a year/18 months).

I do think it takes time to learn how to do things in a different way, and a relationship is intense by its nature. What are your friends like, do your issues arise with your friends again (a pattern of them treating you for what they can get) or are they more genuine? If you have healthy friendships where you can give-and-receive then go ahead, try for a relationship. If you need a better class of friends then it may need a few practise runs first ... Just remember that a good, healthy loving relationship -is- possible even when you've been drawn to wrong-uns in the past. And that even the best of men are not perfect! smile

Good luck

bodenbiscuit Wed 30-Dec-15 18:38:53

Hi, thanks for your replies. I have actually had two years of psychotherapy which I paid for myself. That has managed to fix some of my issues, like self harm but the relationship problems remain.

I don't really have friends. I think this is to do with my AS. Well, actually I do have friends but meeting them maybe 4 times a year for coffee is about as much as I can cope with. I have people who care about me but I don't have the sort of friendship with other women where we phone each other in the week and go out in groups. But the friends I do have are decent people I think.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer Wed 30-Dec-15 19:13:23

that's a good sign =)

if you're trying out a different sort of man, that's a really good thing. Why not try smile It may take a bit of time to get used to a new sort and possibly a few tries, but it sounds like you'll get a much healthier relationship if it works out

bodenbiscuit Wed 30-Dec-15 23:59:46

The usual men I go for bring me nothing but misery and heartache and I never feel good enough for them. I really want to be different. I suppose I already know that I get on with this person because I've already met him and so that's a good thing.

bodenbiscuit Sat 02-Jan-16 15:14:32

I'm starting to wonder whether I myself am emotionally unavailable and maybe that is why I'm attracted to men who are the same. My ex husband was very cold and detached when I met him. He had also never had a relationship. He gradually got a little better with time but was never fully able to talk with me about how we felt - it was all intellectual discussion. And if I ever tried to talk about feelings he made a joke if it. 15 years later and I'm still doing the same thing with an identical guy/ guys. If I was emotionally healthy, surely I would detect this early on and avoid the person?

So, usually I spend my time in a state of perpetual misery feeling that I want this unattainable person. But then, if I find someone who is loving and open towards me I find myself feeling uncomfortable too, although I can overcome it.

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