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How to move on from this

(31 Posts)
WhatHaveIDoneToDeserveThis Wed 30-Dec-15 13:26:12

Apologies VERY long but just need somewhere to put this all down.
The last 8 months have been the worst of my life. 'D' H left in March, after 5 months of marriage.We'd been together for a year before that. All very whirlwind but it really was love at first sight. The year of meeting, moving in together & planning our wedding was so perfect it was like a film,then boom. There was no one else,he just didn't want to be married to me anymore. I cried, begged, got angry and nothing worked. The next few months were hell-having to take time off work because I literally couldn't get out of bed, the embarrassment of having to tell people we'd split up, family & friends who claimed they never liked him any way telling me I'd been a fool. I have never cried so much in my life or been so lonely.

6 weeks before our wedding anniversary he emailed to ask if we could meet face to face to talk everything through. I jumped at the chance. When we met I was gobsmacked.He'd lost the weight he'd put on during the first few months of our marriage (which he has apparently said was down to the drinking he did to cope with being unhappy) and just looked like a younger, happier version of himself. I, on the other hand, have lost fistfuls of hair, dropped from a size 8 to a size 6, have bags and lines where there were none before and even with making an effort still look a wreck.

He apologised for hurting me, for the embarrassment he'd caused and for not being the husband I wanted and hoped that we could eventually be friends! I told him I could never forgive him for throwing our marriage away like it was nothing and moving on so easily and left. I have avoided all contact with him since as I cannot face the thought of divorce yet, despite him assuring me it would be quick and painless - there are no shared assets as he moved in to my house, he has paid off all the wedding costs, given back every expensive gift I gave to him and told me to keep my engagement ring.

For Christmas & New Year I am back in my home village, where last year I was proudly introducing my new husband, now having to explain that no he won't be coming later, no I am not still enjoying married life, trying not to scream from the humiliation and pain. I spent the whole of Christmas Day hoping he'd call or text. Nothing. A couple of days ago I cracked and called-it went to voicemail. I cried about how much I missed him and how last year I had gone to sleep on Christmas Eve thinking life was perfect and that maybe this Christmas we might even have a baby and now he'd taken it all away from me, without even giving me a chance and just moving on like I meant nothing to him. No reply.

Yesterday my 'best friend', who was maid of honour at our wedding, called.Turns out 'DH' called her and said he was worried about me-nice, eh! She said she understood how I was feeling - she's been with the same guy for 15 years, has the ring, the perfect child, the lot, so actually she hasn't a clue - and was sorry but it was time to move on and let him do the same. She admitted that he had gotten in touch after our anniversary meeting and since then they've been talking a lot and 'he has been giving his side of the story' I blew up at her - she is supposed to be my friend but she's listening to the pathetic excuses of the man who claimed I was the love of his life and then ruined mine and telling me it is my fault! What about loyalty, what about telling him that he had to accept how much pain he had caused. And then she really dropped one on me-he does feel guilt, so much that even though he met someone a few months back who he feels he could be in a relationship with, he has told her they can only be friends until the divorce comes through as it wouldn't be fair on me! Guess that explains why he was so keen to throw money at it. The thought of him loving someone else is tearing me apart all over again.

I logged on to facebook this morning for the first time in months to look at his profile. He has added lots of new friends, most of whom are women. My 'best friend' is still friends with him, as are most of my friends who came to the wedding - only my family members have defriended him. His time line is full of going to gigs, travelling, socialising, having a great time, while I have been living a nightmare.

On Christmas Day he posted about 'The best present ever' with what looks like a picture of his TV screen. My 'BF' commented underneath asking what it was and he explained that his 'lovely friend x has given me her Netflix password and when I logged in she had created a list of my favourite films and documentaries on my favourite bands to see me through Christmas when I said I was going to take time out alone'. 'BF' replied 'aw, how lovely, what a thoughtful thing to do. Glad you have someone to look after you after the year you've had'. WTF?!

I texted 'BF' that I'd seen her little exchange with 'dh about his new 'friend' and unless she cut all contact with him our friendship was over. Her reply 'Sorry you feel like this. I never wanted to take sides as I consider you both my friends but if I am honest since your wedding I've felt uncomfortable about your behaviour towards 'DHname' but assumed you were both happy so didn't want to interfere. I have tried to be supportive since the breakup but you refuse to see things from any point of view but your own and won't accept that you are as responsible as he is'.
She said it was clear from what he'd told her that I was more interested in the fantasy of marriage than the reality and that me being constantly disappointed by him not living up to that fantasy had worn him down. I had become too controlling, not letting him do anything that didn't fit with my idea of the perfect husband, wanting him to change to suit me and not willing to compromise either. It would have hurt less if she had punched me.

I am sitting here, in my parents house, shaking from anger and hurt and want to scream at the unfairness of it all.

A year ago my life was perfect - newly married to the love of my life, surrounded by friends and family and feeling like everything had come together at last. Now my perfect marriage is a joke, the love of my life wants to wipe me from his life with no trace and my best friend is telling me I am a controlling harridan from hell who deserves to have her life torn apart. All I ever did was try to make my marriage work. I loved him with every part of me and I meant nothing to him. How has this happened? Am I really such an awful, unloveable person? How can life ever feel normal or good or happy after all of this?

fuzzywuzzy Wed 30-Dec-15 13:33:27

So sorry you're going thro this.

Have you spoken to your GP? You sound understandably very depressed.

Get help for how your feeling. Then get the ball rolling for divorce. De friend him on FB and cut your losses.

He doesn't want to be with you, don't try to make him behave the way you want it isn't working and won't work.

Concentrate on getting back on your feet. Rally your friends and family around.

See if you can get counselling as well.

pocketsaviour Wed 30-Dec-15 13:39:18

I'm sorry you're hurting OP, but tough love from me: it's time to move on.

Your relationship, which lasted less than 18 months, has been over for 9 months. It's always going to hurt when a relationship ends, but you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and behave like an adult.

Telling your friend she wasn't allowed to remain friendly with your ex was extremely immature and controlling. The dude broke up with you. He's not a murderer. Giving ultimatums like that is just silly, and it's blown up in your face. Take a lesson from this, and examine your own behaviour.

loveyoutothemoon Wed 30-Dec-15 13:41:21

Why does she think you are responsible too? There must be a reason why she's acting like this. Is there something you're not mentioning?

loveyoutothemoon Wed 30-Dec-15 13:42:38

I agree giving your friend an ultimatum was unfair. Has she carried on contacting him?

spudlike1 Wed 30-Dec-15 13:44:54

Wow that's a lot of pain , grief and rejection to deal with ..I'm so sorry .
Understand that it will take time to recover but you will recover .take anti depressants in the short term , therapy in the long term.

Cut off all people and things associated with him take a long break from you BF .

Focus on motivations for 2016 hobbies, challenges, activity holidays, new places , new people , new experiences at first do it to take your mind else where, then do it because you are becoming a new person and you are building a new life .
go.for it !!! don't look back

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Wed 30-Dec-15 13:45:17

I think you need to start by visiting your GP. You don't sound well. You are not thinking or behaving rationally at all.

spudlike1 Wed 30-Dec-15 13:48:14

You ex and your best friend clearly care about you but give yourself some distance from them until you are able to cope with this pain .

PurpleVauxhall Wed 30-Dec-15 13:48:21

Does the best friend know him entirely through you? If so then she is behaving very badly.

WhatHaveIDoneToDeserveThis Wed 30-Dec-15 14:11:07

Thank your the replies everyone - I really appreciate you wading through it all. To answer your questions:

I have been to my GP a couple of times when I needed to be signed off work but have avoided ADs as had a bad experience with them when I was younger. Have taken up running and cycling again which helps for the hour or two I do it but no longer. I will ask about counselling, thank you.

I used to believe they were the two people who cared about me most but it doesn't feel like that. They met through me and have only ever been in each other's company when I have been there as there is quite a distance between where she lives and where I live most of the time. The close contact between them seems to be only the last couple of months.

As for me being responsible I guess she means it takes two to break a relationship but honestly, I tried so hard. We never had any major rows - there were niggles especially in the build up to the wedding but isn't that normal?

I agree it was not the best idea to give her an ultimatum but it just hurt so much that she seems to think he is the wronged party here and is encouraging him with this new woman - at least I assume that is who they were talking about.

I have tried to move on and distract myself from thinking about it but I feel like no matter what I do the end result is the same - he loved me enough to make the big gesture but not enough to make it work. Why was I not worth that?

I used to be a strong person who could cope with anything. Feeling like this and feeling like it will never change is horrific.

spudlike1 Wed 30-Dec-15 14:21:59

Counselling will help enormously believe me ..look someone up today .

WhatHaveIDoneToDeserveThis Wed 30-Dec-15 14:33:35

flowers Spud

ImperialBlether Wed 30-Dec-15 15:00:35

Well, I don't think she's a good friend to you. It sounds as though she gets a kick out of being his friend and she's selling you up the river in order to stay friends with him. "After the year he's had" ffs. I would be blocking and deleting her.

I do think you need some extra help. Counselling will help but maybe a short course of ADs would, too. Don't forget they change quite rapidly so the ones you took when you were younger almost certainly won't be the ones you're prescribed now.

Actually I would take the initiative and divorce him asap. It removes the link between you and although it'll hurt, treat it like ripping a plaster off. You can't begin to heal until he's gone. And what's he doing on Facebook? Block, delete.

It sounds as though FB is your worst enemy right now. I'd deregister if I were you. The last thing you need is to see that twat with all his sycophants merrily chatting away to him.

Lndnmummy Wed 30-Dec-15 15:08:27

I am so so sorry OP, your friend has behaved very disloyally. I am so sorry you are being hurt like this x

Lexigrey Wed 30-Dec-15 16:14:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

isamonster Wed 30-Dec-15 16:32:11

Step away from Facebook. I would ditch the friend for now too. Work on doing the things you enjoy, being with the people who make you feel supported and yes, consider counselling.

You've taken a huge knock but you can come back from this and have a different but happy future. You've discovered the hard way that nothing is ever perfect. But that doesn't mean you won't have great times again.

This time of the year is hard after the year you've had. Be kind to yourself.

loveyoutothemoon Wed 30-Dec-15 17:35:54

Saying giving your friend an ultimatum was unfair, I also understand about the disloyalty, it would hurt me too.

It's been a big shock and although it's hard you need to move on from him and your friend. Maybe after some time apart you might find you and your friend become close again.

mum2mum99 Wed 30-Dec-15 17:46:14

It sounds like you miss him and you also have to grieve the idea of the perfect marriage. Did trying to act the perfect marriage take his toll on your relationship?

Blarblarblar Wed 30-Dec-15 18:02:23

OP I am so sorry. You sound understandably devastated and your friend is not being loyal to you.

That being said you hadn't been together long and it sounds like you both got caught up in the romance/lust and married before you really knew each other. If it had been a relationship breaking up after 18 months that alone would have been devastating but you got married and that dragged all the unrealistic expectations that come along with it, and more humiliation when it goes wrong. Give yourself a break seems you both made a mistake, you will recover. Get real support, therapist, real friends. Devorce this guy who wasn't who you thought he was and dump that friend because why does he even matter a bit to her she knew him for no time, he isn't her friend and if she's choosing to support him in this way she isn't looking out for you.

Blarblarblar Wed 30-Dec-15 18:04:46

PS no one has the perfect marriage or perfect child. Reality is messy difficult and hard at times.

Dimebargirl Wed 30-Dec-15 18:19:44

Actually sometimes it doesn't take two to break a relationship. I can identify with the OP having been the partner of a Narcissistic man and I well remember the rage and hurt I felt when he discarded me and friends were blinded by his calculated charm to present himself as a victim. I am not suggesting he is a narc but I know what it feels like to suffer at someone else's cruelty. I hear you OP

WhatHaveIDoneToDeserveThis Wed 30-Dec-15 18:19:48

You are all so very kind - thank you. I can't tell you how it feels to have people listen and say something other than 'What did you expect rushing into it like that' which seems to be all I've heard since the initial shock wore off. Friend has suggested meeting up later tonight for a face to face as she is worried I've misunderstood her!
I have been googling counsellors near to work and looking at divorce solicitors as well so hopefully one will make me feel able to face the other.
I have also deleted and blocked 'the twat' on FB. That is how I will refer to him from now on, I think!

Blarblarblar Wed 30-Dec-15 18:33:46

Well done you!

Try to be clear without being emotional with your friend. It doesn't really matter who is wrong or right in this situation, you are devestated and she should be supporting you. She doesn't know him and honestly if she chooses to remain in contact with him, if it was me I'd be asking why. I wouldn't do that to my friends, fuck you 'twat' you walked away I don't care about your story I need to look after whathaveidone

isamonster Wed 30-Dec-15 19:02:11

You go girl! Good luck seeing your friend again. Hope she doesn't disappoint you. Just remember no-one knows what went on in the way that you and the twat do. It is between you, nothing to do with your friend.

temporarilyjerry Wed 30-Dec-15 19:10:59

Are you going to meet your friend? What could she say that would make you feel better about her supporting "the twat"? She is worried that you've misunderstood her? hmm

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