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How do I start?

(10 Posts)
Name7 Tue 29-Dec-15 23:57:20

I posted on Christmas Day asking about coping with relatives. As always have realised its H not relatives that I have an issue with. I am, in the new year going to organise permanent separation.

How do I tell him? It will be a shock I think to him but he speaks so horribly to me in front of the kids, Undermines me, if I pull him up on it it's always him "joking" oh and for yet another year I have bought my own Christmas presents and he's wrapped them. Is it petty of me that I'm hurt by this?

How do we tell the kids? Rest of family? I'm really terrified that people are going to try and talk me round. What if H insists we need to try harder? We had a phone session with Relate but nothing changed.

What do I do about organising a solicitor? Do I need anything from our paperwork? All our finances are joint.

We've been together 22 years. Married for 15. Any advice please?

NotnowNigel Wed 30-Dec-15 01:39:40

STart by not telling anyone anything and going to a sol on your own and finding out where you stand.

This is your relationship no one else's. You do not need permission or approval to end it, for any reason whatsoever.

Also you don't need to make any announcements to anyone, just quietly get on with each step yourself until you are ready to move out/move him out, then obv talk to the kids.

Name7 Sun 03-Jan-16 18:25:29

I will be phoning around for solicitors tomorrow. I need to talk to someone though, it's killing me at the moment. He's talking about this year's holiday etc. Neither sets of parents are well. Most real friends are joint. Dreading that my 2 escapes which are during the week won't happen when I'm in sole charge of the kids. His work means that he is unlikely to do children during the week. Really need to sort out house to sell. Started reading Marie Kondo.

12purpleapples Sun 03-Jan-16 18:30:01

You don't need anyones permission or to have gone through counselling etc, but you might find that counselling gives you a forum to break up in the best way? Its not just about staying together at all costs, but trying to work out whats right for you, so having a neutral person there when you discuss how to break up may help?

Good luck flowers

marriednotdead Sun 03-Jan-16 18:53:53

Not sure if i can advise much, but just wanted to post a bit of support.
You may find matrimonial solicitors fairly tied up- tomorrow is traditionally their busiest day!

I was in similar shoes this time last year. Finally saw a solicitor in April and got the ball rolling. Pretty hideous few months but he moved out in August leaving me skint but finally in peace. Divorce should be finalised before Easter and I'm happier than i could ever have imagined. Am doing a lazy impersonation of Marie Kondo and have already redecorated half the house by myself smile

Keep an eye on future and play the long game, no hasty decisions. And even though you may want to kill him at times, remember your DCs will tie you to him for ever many years yet and will eventually be grateful that you are civil to him. Fortunately I could skip that bit as we didn't have DCs together.

Name7 Sun 03-Jan-16 19:53:26

It just feels like I should have done this years ago. You think it's not worth trying tomorrow?

12purpleapples Sun 03-Jan-16 20:25:15

I'm sure it will be fine to phone tomorrow. At worst someone will take a number and call you back.

Name7 Sun 03-Jan-16 20:33:33

I can't believe how weary I feel! I know it's the right decision. It's just taking that first step. We've been together a long time. Lots of history. No beating. 😞

marriednotdead Sun 03-Jan-16 22:11:29

In some ways the disinterest and lack of respect for you as a person is almost as bad as physical violence. It still makes you feel like shit.

You sound as if you're doing the right thing. Hold onto that when everyone round you becomes resentful and minimises the crap in order to get you to continue to put up with it. When you're out the other side and breathing a sigh of relief, you'll look back in disbelief at just how bad it was.

Good luck tomorrow flowers

Name7 Sun 03-Jan-16 22:22:19

Thank you. If I ask him to do something around the house he'll get in a mood with me. Eventually he'll tell me that I asked him in the wrong way. So I'm always treading on eggshells. I've been in the spare room over Christmas as he has had the flu. Was supposed to return tonight. I very dispassionately watched him try to create an argument with me so that I'm still in spare room. Not ideal as wall is covered in mould.
It's all crap.

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