Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Why am I such a FUCKWIT?(23 Posts)
Left DH a while ago and things were going fine, but I did have the odd "have I done the right thing for the DCs" moments.
Anyway,a few weeks befoer christmas DH started to reel me in again and I fell for it. The whole "I can change and it will be best for the DCs if we are together as a family" crap.
I moved us back into the family home and, almost immediately realised it wasa a mistake as he has not changed one iota.
When I moved out it was into a friends house so no credit reference, deposit, month in advance stuff. However, I now realise that I will ned about £1200 before I can move out again and I need to keep the family car to get DCs to school and back, but its in his name.
I feel so stuck and so ashamed of myself. How did I get drawn back in?
how do I get back out?
How do i do this when my self esteem is at its lowest?
How do I explain to DCs that Mum has changed her mind (again) and they have to go through this upheaval again?
And why, oh why did I allow myself to be conned by the same twat twice?
You're not a fuckwit at all - you had to be sure you'd made the right decision. And now you know - so it's a move forwards. Presumably you couldn't have lived in the friend's house forever anyway, so sooner or later you'd have been in this situation of needing the deposit/credit ref etc.
Do you work? Could you get a loan?
There is a lot of self blame in your post. You believed like many do that you could change things and he could change for the better but it did not happen. You have actually gone forward and accepted that it cannot work.
It is not easy but it seems the only way forward. Check www.google.co.uk/?gws_rd=ssl#q=wikivorce for advice on how to handle things with the kids. It will take time but you can feel better.
Ok, so you made an error in judgment. What's done is done, don't beat yourself over the head with it. Just don't compound the error by staying any longer than you have to.
How long were you gone and can you do the same thing/enlist the same help to get out this time? Will the same friend be willing to help you or has that bridge been burned?
How old are the children? Are they old enough to understand 'I made a big mistake, your Dad hasn't changed'?
If you aren't able to leave right away, to a friend's or a family member's home, just remain quiet around your stbx and don't engage. Start stashing money away secretly. Start talking to your support system, if they warned you not to return then tell them they were right, you've learnt your lesson, tell them you've made a huge mistake and need their support. Tell them right away. If you've only been there a few weeks and admit you've made a mistake they may be more willing to help than if you wait and tell them after you've been there a few months.
Friend who let me move into her rental has let it to someone else (obviously)and don't have a support network as no real friends to speak of and mum was against me moving out in the first place.
ATM I am sleeping on the living room floor as cannot bear to share same bed as DH but sleep deprivation is making me cranky with DCs who naturally just want status quo with mum and dad in same house.
I don't know how much longer I can do this though and have seen a house I'd like to rent. However, to do this I need to tell DH I want him to help me out with deposit and bond, and to let me keep the car and for him to pay me CM..
This might sound unfair but it would mean him keeping the £200k house and me just taking tyhe stu ff that I paid for.
More concerned in DCs reactions and how a second move is going to affect them.
You aren't going to get him to voluntarily help you out since it appears he doesn't want the split in the first place.
You need to see a solicitor right away to find out if what you want is reasonable in your situation. To see if you have any leverage you can use.
He should move out. You need to house your children! What does your solicitor think?
You're married. It's highly unlikely that he'll walk off with house and you'll have nothing.
Get thee to a CAB office pronto! And find a good lawyer.
He should move out
It's as much his house as it is OPs. He should most definitely NOT move out.
Maybe it's a good thing you went back as now you are completely sure that it is over. Perhaps it is just another step that had a o be taken.
I'm also wondering if you can spin this into a positive thing.
If you are married then you have a claim on the marital house and possibly more so now you are back in it again. I agree you need to start divorce proceedings now. You've realised you cannot make it work together, youve given it another go and now you know absolutely, in a way that's a great starting point, no more dithering.
Isn't the idea, REALITY, that parents are supposed to put the well being of their kids first and that it would be better for them to remain in the family home. Even though he doesn't want the split, a decent parent (not father) would make things easy for them.
Mrswooster - most folk can't afford to run two houses.
What's BEST for the child after a split is (usually) to have decent contact with both parents. This can't be satisfactorily achieved if the father is sleeping on a friends sofa / in a crappy bedsit.
Any person (with normal income and savings, at least) who voluntarily moves out of the family home puts themselves at a massive disadvantage when it comes to divorce / financial division and contact arrangements.
I realise I am entitled to stay in family home but he has spent the last few years reminding me that it's his house as he pays the mortgage. I think my plan would only cost him a couple of thousand pounds whereas getting a solicitor involved may result in it costing him a hell of a lot more.
I have drawn up a list pointing out both options to him so surely he will agree to my first option?
But sleeping why do YOU want your first option? Why are you happy to let him have the £200K asset of the marriage? Haven't you also contributed to it (regardless of whose account the direct debit comes out of)?
If you are married, the absolute best thing to do, messy and costly or not, is to divorce and separate your assets so you both end up with somewhere to house your DC adequately, and divide parenting responsibilities. Don't just move out again.
Wow. You are not automatically ENTITLED to stay in the family home. This is not the 1970s! The courts will look at the needs of both parents.
Nosquirrels is correct. Separate properly and finally, including finance. If that means the family home gets sold and asserts divided (bear in mind that you will likely get significantly more than 50% if the kids will live with you) then so be it.
I strongly suggest you get legal advise.
You now know you have exhausted every option, for yourself and your children. Don't underestimate that or punish yourself for it.
Listen OP, if DH and I were to split I wouldn't even want our marital home. It's too big and too isolated. But that doesn't mean that I'd walk away from it for pittance just because I didn't want it. It is a marital asset just the same as our investments and bank accounts. Now, my name is on our house and accounts, but even if it weren't, as a joint owner by right of marriage I'm entitled to a share.
You are entitled to a portion of the marital assets, and the house is probably a big chunk of those. Unless you have massive wages, a rich family, or independent means, you deserve a good financial start in your new life. Don't assume that because you are the one leaving that you 'owe' him the 'consolation prize' of the marital assets! Don't shoot yourself in the foot. See a solicitor.
I meant I am AS entitled as he is to stay in family home and that he cannot just kick me out when I tell him its just not working....again. I just feel it would be best for all if I move out into a rental property THEN try to sort ALL finances out rather than try to do it whilst still living under the same roof.
Please, please take legal advice.
The DC have a right to be housed in their home to not be moved about again and if that means your STBXH has to move out then so be it.
He has only been paying the mortgage because you provide the childcare to enable him to do so...
They say it's easier to keep the house if you're living in it. If you want the house, see a solicitor before you decide to leave it and ask how to proceed. Would you qualify for an occupation order, what is the likelihood that he'd have to pay enough in maintenance to enable you to meet the household expenses? Would you qualify for a mesher order or would he be able to force the sale? If you're sure you don't want the house, go ahead and leave but see a solicitor as soon as possible about splitting assets and the sale of the marital home (or your stbx buying you out of it). Also, consider the possibility that he may sue for full residence for the children if he stays in the marital home so as not to 'disrupt them'.
Why do people on here insist on making shit up?
"The DC have a right to be housed in their home" - errr no they don't actually. Especially if it would impact the ability to spend time with their father at his house.
"consider the possibility that he may sue for full residence for the children" - sue for residence ? WTAF? Even if that were a term (which it isn't), courts in the UK will not give "full residency" to either parent unless there is a risk of harm.
Please get proper legal advice.
Join the discussion
Please login first.