Mum so casual about abusive grandfather

[The54Immortals]

I have posted about my mother before and our toxic relationship, but have NC as history too identifying.

After our last bust up about 5 months ago I have gone extremely low contact and only see her if necessary. It's hard not to tbh as we cross paths quite a lot due to a few factors.

She wants me to go to an anniversary party on Sunday for my grandparents, they've been married 60 years. HE abused me as a child and as an adult.

She didn't believe me when I told her this a few years ago and absolutely worships the ground he walks on - she says I need to get over it and as he is very ill I should feel sorry for him and 'bury the hatchet' by acting as normal.

I've already agreed not to report to the police or expose him to the rest of our family, for her sake and that of his DW (my grandmother) who has heart problems. I think that is decent of me to be fair.

Am I BU to refuse to go to this party? I've said no tonight in an email and she is pissed off with me and says it's 'my loss'. It has triggered something in me and I am feeling very agitated, upset and actually - ANGRY.

He also abused her when she was younger FFS! Yes she denies this.

Please can someone just reassure me that I have a right to not go to this stupid party :(

[MoominPie22]

Good on you, lass, for saying No and asserting yourself. It's just a shame you can't tell your nasty, toxic, enabling mother to Fuck right off! She might feel it's normal to put on a sham and a facade of a "normal" family, but no-one, I presume, has amnesia?! Wot an awful bloody bitch. Keep well away from the vile witch

To say you have been hard done by and betrayed would be the understatement of the century!

[Withgraceinmyheart]

You absolutely have the right not to go to the party.

Your mum didn't protect you, and she still isn't protecting you now. You have the right to protect yourself.

[slightlyinsane]

You have every right not to go to the party and don't for one minute feel guilty for it. Why would anyone want to celebrate with the person who abused them???
I would be nc with my mother if she thought it was time to "get over it"
Stick to your guns you are definitely doing the right thing

[SanityClause]

Oh, sweetie! How awful.

Can I suggest you contact NAPAC if you haven't before. (Although I see their help line is closed until 4 January.)

Your mother has been damaged by him, just as much as you, but I agree that you need to protect yourself, here.

And your anger is FINE! It's normal, and natural, and right. Don't let her guilt you into believing it's not.

I'll reassure you - it's absolutely fine for you not to go to this party.

for you.

[Hassled]

Of course you're angry - you're right to feel angry. You say you've agreed not to go to the police, which I understand, but have you done anything that might give you a bit of closure - counselling maybe?
And yes, don't go to the party.

[Whatevva]

If you are acknowledging what he did to you was wrong, that means what he did to her was wrong too, and it may be that she does not want to acknowledge this herself. This is why she wants you to 'bury the hatchet'.

It is fine for you not to go.

[The54Immortals]

You are all so nice. Honestly I feel a bit emotional, tearful etc.

I really really appreciate the replies, and do feel like I maybe am right to refuse to go on Sunday. She doesn't care that he did what he did to me, I don't honestly think she believes me still, or thinks I'm imagining it.

Sanity I've never heard of NAPAC, thank you I'll be having a good look at that.

[The54Immortals]

Very good points Whatevva, she doesn't want to accept it herself maybe.

Had counselling on and off over the years but I was also abused by a school friend aged 13 so never really had time to focus on my granddad as I've talked more about that. Also have self harmed since 14 so talked about that. Would love private therapy actually.

[Fatherwishmas]

Please don't go to the party. Make sure you keep busy though

[The54Immortals]

I'll definitely not be going, I actually said in my email to her - "No thank you, I don't want to celebrate an abuser's anniversary", which is actually very assertive for me.

It's just triggered a pretty strange reaction in me of anger mixed with sadness.

[NotnowNigel]

If there's anyway at all you can continue with counselling I'd strongly advise doing so, even to the point of working extra hours to pay for it.

I don't think you will ever stop feeling the anger and sadness in one way or another throughout your life as childhood abuse seems to become tied up completely with your identity. Counselling seems to me the only way of laying as much as poss to rest and learning to live with the rest.

Good on you OP for putting yourself first and standing up for yourself and that little defenceless girl who was so badly let down x

[Klaptout]

Your mum has had a long time to do denial, she is also undoubtedly feeling guilt that she allowed the abuse to be repeated by not speaking out.
This is not your fault, repeat this to yourself often.
Your mother has not been able to work through what happened to her, look at what happened to you as a direct result of that.
Do not go to the party.

[DorynownotFloundering]

I would say your reaction is entirely healthy & understandable, even though it makes you sad . You are processing a very traumatic series of events from a vulnerable time & the fact that your own mother doesn't get that makes it a double betrayal .
Try & spend the day on Sunday doing lots of self indulgent things, duvet day with loads of crap telly, chocolate ? Long walk followed by long hot soak in bubbles & nice meal ? Something that makes you feel good & just Be.
Oh & be proud of yourself for making a stand - it's a huge move forward !