Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Help me get my fiance talking things through.(7 Posts)
We have had a pretty rough year with lots of little things thrown at us, nothing insurmountable but added all together it has worn us both down. Until this last week it had worn on us at different times but everything has come to a head today and I lost my temper. Everything I had bit my tongue over came out and at the end of it I said 'I just don't know what to do now, I really need us to sort it out'. He just walked out of the room for 10 minutes and then came in to ask if I wanted a sandwich as if nothing had happened. After I pointed this out to him he said 'I thought we could just brush it under the carpet'.
He hates confrontation but I really need him to talk this all through with me. It is not an unsolvable situation, but I need to know he is on my side and that he understands what I am feeling.
In the past I have tried leaving it until the next morning (which leads to deflection with tasks/errands/work) trying to stay up and talk at night ( leads to him crying as he is dreadful at being awake late) and just trying to have it in writing via email so it does not feel confrontational (just leads to a quick 'I will change' email that gets forgotten)
The problem with this is I now feel like I have two years worth of this weighing me down but I have not got the heart to push confrontation on him.
How can I get us talking?! Is there a different way ?
Reading that back it sounds like I have a pop endlessly. I don't but if he feels like any sort of criticism is coming his way he just hunkers down, even if it is as mild as 'oh the plates are all still on the drainer'
It's not clear to me exactly what the problem is and what you are looking to confront...
What do you mean by " I need to sort us out?" I don't think you can do it alone. And that does sound quite agressive to me- I'd be a bit upset if someone said that to me, but maybe I'm over sensitive.
What are you confronting him about? If you can't have a chat about things like plates and resort to email, it seems you're quite incompatible really.
He cries if you try to talk to him at night? That's quite an extreme reaction, unless you are shouting at him or something?
This is a huge problem and there's no way I would be getting married before sorting it out.
Would he agree to joint counselling?
To be honest his reactions have been consistent - avoiding. I hate to tell you this, but this is how he deals with problems. He probably won't change, you will probably get more and more frustrated (as I sense you are becoming) with his inability to discuss things.
You have the two obvious choices: put up or leave. It really isn't a small thing in terms of a personal relationship and eventually there will be too many things 'brushed under the carpet'.
Thanks for the replies
Elsa, I know I have been vague about what the disagreement was over but it would out me immediatly. This year we have had dealt with a lot of money issues as both of us have been laid off on separate occasions, two health problems two bereavements and moved house as we had to.
Lavendar, I have been on threads witjh you under my regular name and I dont think you are over sensitive. I have had a think about it this morning and I said that bit in more of a defeated way as I could see what was going to happen next. I probably could have phrased it differently though. I didnt email him about the plates , that was an extreme to show how is generally. The email was about about a health issue and I emailed it to be fully sure he had seen what I was saying. Again I am wary of mentioning stuff as it would out me.
Liney I am definitely not shouting at him. He gets tired very early (not illness related he has had it checked) and he physically cannot deal being up late so it leads to crying.
Choughed and Lion, these are the things I am so worried about. We have talked about counselling but he does shy away from that too ( that is confrontation too for him!)
I am becomming frustrated. I know in his first marriage he told me they never had a fight because they both agreed ignoring stuff was better. It is the way his family is as well.
I love him deeply, he is kind, fun, smart, genourous to a fault and he is a spectacular step dad to my daughter who loves him too. I dont want to split up although I certainly will consider postponing the wedding. .
I am going to talk to him today and bring up counselling again. Obviously it is bigger that just finding a chat that works.
Thanks again for the replies.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.