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What should DP say to his DSIS after this text?

(37 Posts)
0phelia Tue 29-Dec-15 21:36:18

OK wise mumsnetters. What should DP say to his Dsister in the new year re NC situation with DBIL.

So DP's sister was unfortunate enough to marry a prize cunt. Said cunt over the course of many years has committed serious crimes against humanity, to which DP responds in the expected way. A few years ago it culminated into huge shout down and stand-off, they have been NC ever since. Consequently communication with his Dsis has been reduced. Occasional texts/ cards.

So the Dsis sends a text today reading
"Can you put your differences with DBIL aside because I am increasingly depressed about the situation and can't see a way forward please call in the new year so we can talk"

This has come as a shock because DP simply hates the bastard for very good and simple reasons that the sis is fully aware of this and knows why. Now she is putting the onus on DP? Why?

DBIL has behaved appallingly. He is controlling, has prevented DP's sister from living independently.
He opted out of raising their own child now 9yo (preferring to live away 5 days a week for work) once spent all their shared savings on a car for himself, blatantly had an affair for 7 years, drops the sister off so she can have coffee with her mum but waits outside and allocates her an hour max, drives her wherever she wants but waits for her and complains if she takes too long, he talked and joked all through the funeral of DP and Sis Father, and has endlessly upset their mother for numerous behaviours.... OK this is just the tip of the iceberg believe me.

DP is flabbergasted. "Please put aside your differences" WTAF.

I have said to him that he needs to have it out with her once and for all. Dp should recount all of the crimes against humanity that DBIL has committed, explain how each is unforgivable, this is not how you treat someone you love, and maybe finally knock some sense into her?

While his behaviour is not her fault, she needs to be held accountable for not preventing him from upsetting the entire family.

nephrofox Tue 29-Dec-15 21:37:54

Perhaps she is thinking of leaving her husband and wants her brothers support?

redgoat Tue 29-Dec-15 21:42:12

I think she needs him to be there for her.

TheCrazyDuchess Tue 29-Dec-15 21:42:57

I think she has reached out to her brother for help and support and despite the difficulties with her partner she is trying.

I think the least your DP could do is listen to what she has to say and decide then whether it is worth carrying on the NC??

But obviously I have no real clue as to what he has done and whether there is any way past it.

YouStillLookLikeAMovie Tue 29-Dec-15 21:45:54

I would give her a chance. On neutral ground.

The 'see a way forward' stuff does sound like she might be thinking of leaving him.

TheoriginalLEM Tue 29-Dec-15 21:46:03

Crimes against humanity? So he is a member of ISIS or a Nazi sympathiser??

He just sounds like a bog standard cunt to me.

I would talk to my sister just so that the avenues are open for her to reach out for help if she needs it (which sounds like she does). This person probalby loves that she is isolated from her family, don't pander to it.

CheerfulYank Tue 29-Dec-15 21:47:34

What they said. She might need his help to leave.

Pigeonpost Tue 29-Dec-15 21:47:52

How about "I will always be there for you and [name of DSis's child] but I will not have anything to do with [name of her DH]."

ouryve Tue 29-Dec-15 21:51:28

What Pigeonpost said. He needs to make it clear that he loves his DSis, but can not tolerate BIL's abusive behaviour.

Finola1step Tue 29-Dec-15 21:52:27

He could arrange to meet her face to face and alone.

Your SIL is in an abusive relationship. This may well be the beginning of her escaping.

This is not about either man nor their relationship. I would be really scared for her.

CalleighDoodle Tue 29-Dec-15 21:52:46

I was going ro say the same, that maybe she needs her brothers support.

NewLife4Me Tue 29-Dec-15 21:53:56

I think you need to help her get away from this man, she needs you.
If it was me I'd reach out to her, be friendly and quietly and slowly keep chipping in the hope she'll see sense.
Stand up to him, let him know you know what his game is and if she doesn't want to see it then that's her look out.
Tell her you'll be there for her and dc but you can't accept his bad behaviour.

ENTirelyTrimmedUpForChristmas Tue 29-Dec-15 21:55:37

Hopefully this will be an opportunity for DP and maybe you too, to rebuild a relationship with Dsis. Quite how you do that without bil clearing off out of the equation is stuff of the United Nations Peace Process, but it would be nice to at least make a low key start.

I agree, it sounds very much like she needs you.

tribpot Tue 29-Dec-15 21:56:34

My guess is BIL is making her life hell because another male has dared to call him out on his bullshit - far worse than a mere woman disagreeing. However, there is nothing your DP can do, it's not for him to try and appease this bully. I think Pigeonpost has got it right.

ChampagneTastes Tue 29-Dec-15 21:57:39

That sounds like a cry for help to me. I would listen, very carefully, to what she had to say. Be kind. If he's that much of a cunt then she probably really needs you both now.

Chippednailvarnish Tue 29-Dec-15 21:58:20

I'd run it past their DM first to see if the DSis has mentioned anything about them splitting and then agree to meeting her on her own, if she can't manage that then nothing has changed.

Or gatecrash the meeting with the DM whilst Bil waits outside.

JeffreySadsacIsUnwell Tue 29-Dec-15 21:59:28

Agree with PP - sounds like she needs him.

AuntieStella Tue 29-Dec-15 22:00:18

I think he needs to go and see her (without the BIL there) as a matter of some urgency.

If she needs help, he needs to be there.

If it's something and nothing, it doesn't have to mean the start of renewed closeness.

Maryz Tue 29-Dec-15 22:02:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein Tue 29-Dec-15 22:04:02

Surely if she wants support to leave him she would have said so?

If she were leaving there would be no reason to 'put aside' their 'differences'.

No I think she just wants to think she can still continue a relationship with her B and SIL while being married to a cunt. She's trying to solve the problem of an abusive husband by asking others to be nice to him.

I would definitely agree to meet her in the new year to be supportive but I would be very clear about boundaries with this man.

Juliantakeofftheredshoes Tue 29-Dec-15 22:04:13

It doesn't sound like she'd be allowed to meet her brother alone though does it?

Penfold007 Tue 29-Dec-15 22:04:19

Crimes against humanity is a very strong phrase, is he a mercenary or mass murderer? Could it be that she is asking for help?

ohtheholidays Tue 29-Dec-15 22:06:01

Your poor SIL,it's most probably her twat of a husband that has been having ago at her about the fact that her DB(your DH)dared to stand upto him.

I think like the other posters have suggested your DH could call or text his sister and tell her that he can't be around her husband but that he still loves her and wants to be there for her.

I hope your SIL finds the strength one day to LTB.Her life doesn't sound like a happy one.

Leelu6 Tue 29-Dec-15 22:06:11

It's not clear what your SIL means when she says 'put your differences aside'.

She could be asking her brother to put his issues with her H aside and resume his relationship with her.

Her text is quite sad, she is depressed and can't see a way out. She wants her brother back in her life and to talk to him. That's not unreasonable.

YABU for saying 'she needs to be held accountable for not preventing him from upsetting the entire family'. How do you know she can prevent him from doing this?

Twinklestein Tue 29-Dec-15 22:06:37

Crimes against humanity is a joke no?

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