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How to deal with grumpy DH?

(16 Posts)
myhusbandisagrump Tue 29-Dec-15 13:56:45

I'm looking for some advice. My DH is, in many ways, brilliant. We've been together 10 years and still love each other. Our sex life is good (although much less frequent than it was pre-children), we don't really argue and neither of us has a temper. He's also a good father in many ways - plays with the kids, good sense of humour, cuddly etc.

But oh my God, is he a grumpy fucker. confused

Every evening I feel jittery about him coming home because I don't know what sort of mood he's going to be in. It's important to point out that he is NEVER 'angry', but he can come home from work in some foul moods and when he does he sucks all the joy out of everyone else in the house. If he's feeling miserable/fed up/annoyed, he doesn't rest until we all feel like that too. Sometimes (about once every fortnight, sometimes more often) he just walks through the door, mutters that he's got a headache and stomps upstairs to bed. I sympathize in some ways because bad headaches are horrible, but this then leaves me with disappointed children who were looking forward to seeing him, and quite honestly, I've usually been desperate for a bit of a break from them myself, so his disappearing act does not go down well with me either. He is also the worlds biggest sulker, which spreads more doom and gloom. On top of this, he spends much of the weekends lying about on the sofa - fair enough, he works hard and he's tired - and although he happily does housework on his own terms, he ignores anything I (nicely) ask him to do unless I practically sit on him repeatedly nagging him to do it every few minutes. It's easier just to do it myself, which I think is what he's banking on. If I point this out or tell him that I need him to pull his weight, this prompts hours of sulking which is no fun for anyone.

I feel like I've made him sound awful there, so please do bear in mind what I said about him first - in many ways he's a lovely husband and dad. But how to deal with the sulking and moodiness? And how to get him to pull his weight?

hellsbellsmelons Tue 29-Dec-15 14:51:27

You can't MAKE him change.
This is who he is.
You either put up with it and subject your poor children to it for years to come or you tell him to leave and it's a horrible way to live.
Life is too short for this shite.
This WILL be your life until YOU change it.
You can't change him but can change this situation.

Batmam Tue 29-Dec-15 14:53:29

Could he be depressed?

Caprinihahahaha Tue 29-Dec-15 14:57:29

It's not acceptable and he's doing it because he gets away with it.
Talk to him about it. Tell him it's everyone's home and he has no right to set a negative mood for everyone in it.

My DH had an incredibly tiring stressful job. He brought his mood home until I had enough. I then told him he had half an hour each evening to go and get changed or shower or whatever but when he came downstairs he made a fucking effort or I would not put up with it.
Stop putting up with it. There is no excuse - unless maybe you are allowed to sulk and be grumpy and go to bed once a week?

thelaundryfairy Tue 29-Dec-15 14:57:33

Sorry if I have misunderstood. Does he know how much he sulks and how much it affects the rest of the family?

BertrandRussell Tue 29-Dec-15 14:59:12

In what ways is he lovely?

ButImNotTheOnlyOne Tue 29-Dec-15 15:06:16

Does he hate his job?
Everyone has pros and cons. No-one lives up to the impossibly high standards set on mumsnet's relationships board. I know I don't.

So I would try to work through with him what's causing this mood and help him see how the behaviour affects you and dc. Sounds like he might be miserable at work, maybe missing a hobby or going out with mates. Maybe he feels trapped by the humdrum of life with young dc and work.
Could you have a night a week each to go and do a hobby. You too.

ImperialBlether Tue 29-Dec-15 15:07:41

You need to talk to him properly at a time when he's feeling normal. Ask him whether he realises you dread him coming home because of his moods. Remind him of the Dementors in Harry Potter and say that's what he's like at times. Tell him that if he wants a happy marriage, he'll change the way he behaves. If he wants a divorce, he should keep going on the way he is.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 29-Dec-15 15:09:13

You can certainly try to work through but I think a rocket up his arse is the only way you'll get through to him.
Or start to record him on your phone every time he pulls something like this. Then show him later and see his reaction?

goddessofsmallthings Tue 29-Dec-15 18:29:08

"Lovely husband and dad"? hmm He's a self-entitled arse who has no compunction about visiting his moodiness on you and the dc and who won't bestir himself to pull his weight at weekends.

A joyless fucker like him is an appalling role model for your dc and his behaviour will inevitably have an adverse affect on them.

The only way you'll be able to bring about any change to his attitude is to tell him that either he shapes up or he ships out - and mean it.

If he leaves work in a foul mood tell him to stop off at the pub for a swift half and put a smile on his face before putting his key in the door, and not to bother coming home if he can't manage that simple task.

SparkleSoiree Tue 29-Dec-15 18:37:29

I hear you. You could have written my exact situation this week.

I made it clear today to DH that he either sorts himself out or fucks off. He is holding me back now and I'm not done with going places in my life with my children. He can either get his arse into gear and join us on our adventure properly and stop sucking the joy out of everything or he can go and sulk on a sofa somewhere at a different address.

Took me a while to get there though. I realised today that every day I allowed him to behave in this way towards us all was another day of our lives we were not getting back. How much longer are you prepared to allow him to behave in this way do you think?

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Tue 29-Dec-15 18:39:36

Difficult ... you do need to have that conversation.
You have a hard job, you need a break, he needs to step up and join in, rather than opt out.
Kids are hard work, but he needs to manage their interaction, quiet time after tea, reading homework etc.
Give him a choice - bath kids or clean kitchen - jobs that need doing NOW not next week.
Make tea or empty the bin.
Find washing or read with the kids.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 29-Dec-15 18:54:57

Well done, Sparkle.

You'll now need to stand your ground and hold the line until your dh has decided whether to fully participate in the life of the family that he has created, or opt for parking his bum on another sofa. Either way, I have no doubt you and your dc will thrive on living life with joy.

OMGtwins Tue 29-Dec-15 19:02:18

I was that person whose wife dreaded tje mood of when o ce home, until sje told me what it was like for her and we agreed i could have half an hour to sort myself out, and I can take more time if I need, but im with her and the kids then I'm there and engaged and positive. And she said to me that if there was something stopping me from being like that then sort it out... I don't manage 100% of the time, but its better now than it was before. There was something, I was anxious and felt the pressure of everything that had to be done, and thought I had to do it. I got a shirt course of counselling and moved towards sorting that out and a year later I'm much happier, even though my job is more stressful.

OMGtwins Tue 29-Dec-15 19:03:06

Awful phone typing, sorry... But you get the gist smile

OMGtwins Tue 29-Dec-15 19:05:55

To be clear it was moods after work not anything else the OP mentioned, I'm not trying to minimise/over generalise or anything, just giving an example of where people sometimes don't realise the full impact of their behaviour until told because they are a bit wrapped up in themselves for whatever reason, and that it is possible to change.

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