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DH pushed me... not sure how i feel.

(138 Posts)
MiseryBusiness Tue 29-Dec-15 13:13:14

DH and I have been married 8 years. Ususally, we get along fine and have a good marriage.
We've had our ups and downs but we've managed to get through them.
Recently, we haven't been getting on too well. This is down to me, more than him.
I've been feeling a bit suffocated by his constant need for attention and I had been backing away a little. We had a big heart to heart and cleared the air and things were going well again.
On Xmas eve eve. DH went out drinking with a friend. We had a babysitter so I went out with some of my friends and met with him later in the night.
When we met up, he was clearly very drunk.
DH is either a happy drunk or an aggresive, angry drunk. He has never been violent, just really unpleasant.
When he walked into the pub, the barman made an offhand comment - not sure what it was but I think it was a joke of some sort. DH threatened to beat him up so I came over and told him to calm down.
He then tried picking up the landlords dog and it nipped him so he started shouting about kicking the dog, so again, I had to ask him to calm down.
He came a sat down and started singling out one of my female friends, everything she said, he disagreed with. He shouted at her, called her a liar when she was telling us a work story. The only way I can describe it, was that he was picking on her, bullying her even. It was awful.
I decided enough was enough and I would take him home. When we stood up he knocked my friends drink over and it went all over her bag, she said something to him like 'thanks for that' or similar so he threw his own drink over her.
I apologied, I was so embarrased I told him we were going. He refused to give me the car keys and was really shouting at me.
I walked out the pub and he was pushing me, over and over, every time ~I tried to move past him he would shove me and then pin me up against the wall/shops on the high street.
He threw the car keys at me and was shouting in my face and pointing in my face that he'd done nothing wrong and I was the one being a bitch.
He continued to push me and shove me through town. At one point a couple stopped their car and asked if I was ok.
We eventually got to our car and I drove us home, we shouted at each other all the way home. He was blaming me for his awful night. Every time I tried to explain what he'd done he was just flat out denying it, saying I was making it up.
We got close to our house and he was shouting at me still and jabbing his finger in my face while shouting so I stopped the car and told him to get out. He refused to leave the car so I got out and started walking home. He ran after me and again the shoving and pushing started. For the first time ever, I was actually scared he might hit me so I kicked him as hard as I could and ran back to our car, he chased me and as I was climbing in the car he slammed the door on my leg.
Luckily he then stormed off down the road so I drove home and went straight to bed.
He came up in the morning and apologied for shouting and pushing me but is saying he doesnt remember most of the night and only remembers pushing me once outside the pub.

I dont know what to do. This is so unbelievably out of character. He has never been physical with me before.
I do believe he is sorry and I believe him when he says it'll never happen again.
Luckily, he only drinks 3 or 4 times a year so he's saying he just wont drink at all now.

The thing is, I cant change the fact it has happened. I never thought I would ever accept being treated like that, but I cant end my marriage over one drunken night!
I need some advice.

Sorry thats so long!

Jibberjabberjooo Tue 29-Dec-15 13:20:30

It's a bit more than a drunken night though isn't it. Most people don't drink and start throwing drinks over people, threatening to kick animals and shove their partner. It's not normal behaviour and you shouldn't tolerate it. So you really believe he'll never drink again? What happens next time you have an argument, sober or not.

SmashleyHop Tue 29-Dec-15 13:25:43

ExH only got a chance to be physically violent to me once. Don't give him a second chance. We teach people how to treat us. If you excuse this you are telling him as long as he has a "reason" it's ok to do what he likes. You don't have to divorce him today- but I wouldn't be inviting back into my home until I had time to really think about what I wanted from a relationship.

MiseryBusiness Tue 29-Dec-15 13:26:43

I know.
I think I'm in shock.
We talked about it last night and he was really upset and I do believe he is sorry.
He offered to leave the house and give me some space. I don't know if that's what I want or not.

Fugghetaboutit Tue 29-Dec-15 13:27:41

Bollocks he doesn't remember. You should report him for assault. Hope you're ok flowers

redannie118 Tue 29-Dec-15 13:28:49

You can end your marriage over one drunken night. He wasnt just violent and aggressive with you (bad enough)but with another woman he barely knows. This shows a pattern on misogyny and bullying. Sorry but lots of people say someones true nature comes out when they are drunk and I believe that. I also think he does remember and he just wants to minimise. Spell it out for him show him this post and tell him you are NOT sitting around waiting for this to happen .no excuses what hr did was unforgiveable,your friend alone could report him to the police for common assault,He is minimising,please dont you do it too

pocketsaviour Tue 29-Dec-15 14:03:59

I think he needs a massive reality check and that alone is enough reason for you to call 101 and speak to police, and tell him to stay the fuck away from you until you've got some time and space to think things over.

He is minimising his behaviour, saying he can't remember it, expecting to be able to just say "I'm sorry" and you'll pat him on the head and say "Oh never mind you funny old thing."

This isn't drunken foolery that ended up with him spewing in the flowerbed or leaving the kitchen like a bomb site. Those would be annoying but forgiveable. But threatening to kick an animal, verbally abusing your friend and then assaulting her (throwing a drink), assaulting you repeatedly over a sustained period to the point where two strangers asked if you were okay? That's not one drunken night, that's a serious case of abuse.

FinnDaHuman Tue 29-Dec-15 14:10:44

I'm going to go against the grain here and say whilst what he did was terrible it was obviously alcohol fueled and if he says he will stop drinking then I would eventually (after some time apart) accept him back with the condition he NEVER touches a drop of alcohol again. If he does OR if he becomes aggressive sober in the slightest then walk away for good.

LaurieFairyCake Tue 29-Dec-15 14:11:28

Your friends will hopefully be telling you to just leave him. He was a massive twat in the pub and a fucking arsehole to you. Please don't be with him anymore

Nanny0gg Tue 29-Dec-15 14:30:52

Has he apologised to your friends?

Was there anything in addition to the drink?

I could never trust him again.

MiseryBusiness Tue 29-Dec-15 14:41:19

He did apologise to my friends the next day. The friend he threw the drink at didn't respond but my other friend did and said it was ok and he was just drunk but she doesn't know about anything that happened from when we left the pub.
There was definitely nothing other than drink, he is drug tested for work and has never smoked a cigarette let along take drugs.
If this happened to a friend of mine I'd be giving the advice you have all given me.
He offered to leave and I said no. I didn't know if that would actually help get some perspective.

Nanny0gg Tue 29-Dec-15 14:44:30

I could also never even like him again.

Could you bear the thought of him near you? I couldn't.

BathtimeFunkster Tue 29-Dec-15 14:48:39

Get this dangerous maniac out of your home.

It wasn't just one drunken night.

He repeatedly assaulted and threatened you, as well as causing fights in the pub, bullying and assaulting other women, and threatening to hurt an animal.

He made a complete show of both of you. Everyone in your town now knows that he pushes you around and it looks like he's damaged at least one of your friendships.

Alcohol doesn't make someone into a monster.

That monster is him.

P1nkP0ppy Tue 29-Dec-15 14:58:38

He assaulted and abused you, threatened you and was looking for a fight in the pub yet you don't know what to do?

RUN in one syllable, he's a dangerous drunkard and your in danger of getting badly hurt.

What on earth is the attraction in him that makes you stay around for more of the same?

Of course he bloody remembers what happened, he's minimising it and you're colluding with his appalling behaviour, so he knows he can get away with it.

MiseryBusiness Tue 29-Dec-15 15:01:00

I don't like him right now. I don't know whether I will again.
I guess only time will tell.
I've asked him for some space to think about what's happened. I've told him I don't know whether I can forgive him.
He's very upset and ashamed of himself.
Thanks for all the great advice. I know what the best thing for me would be but somehow I feel guilty to even think of leaving him.

timelytess Tue 29-Dec-15 15:02:21

I cant end my marriage over one drunken night
If he'd got drunk, fallen over, been too lovey-dovey, that would be one thing. You might save the marriage. You might even overlook it.
But he abused you in public and bullied other people.
Get away from him while you still can.

MiseryBusiness Tue 29-Dec-15 15:04:40

But, I've known this man for 8 years and I would never have even imagined he would behave like he did. It's so unbelievably out of character.
The friends and family I've told that know him and shocked as it's not like him at all.
I'm not minimising what he did. I'm just shocked. It's like it didn't really happen to me.

BathtimeFunkster Tue 29-Dec-15 15:06:00

I'm sure all the people in your town who saw him manhandling you down the street, as well as any who witnessed you running away from him in fear of what he would to you if he caught you, would be relieved to know you were a) alive and b) not going to stay with him.

I wonder what he would have done to you (other than slam your leg in the car door) if you hadn't got away?

You might not be posting this.

BathtimeFunkster Tue 29-Dec-15 15:08:47

You said in your OP that he could be an aggressive drunk, so it's not really out of character.

Of course people are surprised to know that a man they thought they liked is such a dangerous, violent, wife beater.

That doesn't mean it actually is surprising.

Eminado Tue 29-Dec-15 15:11:32

Imagine how bad it must have been and looked for two complete strangers to stop
and ask you if you were ok? shock

ThatsNotMyRabbit Tue 29-Dec-15 15:15:40

It's bollocks to blame alcohol.

People don't change who they are when drunk - they just lose the ability to keep up the pretence of being a decent person.

Getting a bit belligerent is one thing but behaving the way he did - to a FRIEND of yours! God I'm cringeing) - is something else entirely. And being determinedly and consistently physically abusive to you in the way he was - nah. I'd never come back from that.

This is NOT a good man, however well he manages to convince you he is. This is a bad man.

MiseryBusiness Tue 29-Dec-15 15:19:57

God - it's awful isn't it.

Pipistrella Tue 29-Dec-15 15:22:09

You'll be on eggshells from now on if you stay. Other people will also judge you massively for making that choice.

But why, I mean seriously why, would you want to ally yourself to such a huge fucking twunt? It's like wearing a dreadful day glo jumper or something. There's no rules that say you have to do it. Some people just choose to though.

Not meant to sound harsh but honestly, you are probably just still processing what happened, and hoping it isn't true, but sadly it is true and it did happen and he is a fucking twunt sad

I'm so sorry for you.

AnyFucker Tue 29-Dec-15 15:22:49

I would leave a man that acted like that. There are several reasons in your OP to just walk the hell away and decide you don't want to share your life with a fuckwit like him.

mintoil Tue 29-Dec-15 15:22:56

He has shown you who he is.

He has offered to leave. I would take him up on this and give yourself some time to reflect on what has happened and how you want to live. What if he did something similar to DCs? He sounds appalling.

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