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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

LTB...what now?

54 replies

ManicPixieDream · 29/12/2015 12:52

I don't really know why I'm posting this, it makes it more real I suppose.

Yesterday my H started drinking in the morning and didn't eat anything. He gradually got more abusive verbally and then physically. My eldest DS grabbed a knife to protect me. My youngest DS pushed him and told him not to push Mummy. He accused me of sleeping around, all kinds of vile things.

I walked out with the kids last night to stay with a relative. I put the youngest to bed and then went back to grab some clothes and things. He got really angry and grabbed by the throat and threw me around while chanting "fucking slag" at me.

This morning he is really sorry, he's never drinking again etc.

My eldest wants me to give him another chance. I feel like I've already damaged them as they've seen far too much.

He's packed some stuff and is at his relative 's for now.

I've emailed the local refuge to ask about enrolling on the freedom programme.

What happens now? What do I do? I'm so numb. There's no going back from this is there? It's happened before. I spent most of last night reading quotes from "why does he do that?" - can't afford to buy it just yet but I will.

He's generally only this bad when drunk, it's like he's possessed. He says that's it and he'll never touch another drop. I want to believe him. It can never work now though can it?

Am interested to hear from anyone who has been through similar. How do I protect my boys?

OP posts:

Report

hellsbellsmelons · 29/12/2015 13:03

You protect them by staying away/keeping him away.
He's done it before and he will do it again.
Have you reported this to the police?
If not then please do it.
You have your poor DS's as witnesses so he can't deny it.
No-one on here will tell you to stay with an abuser.
You are going to do the Freedom Programme which is a great step to take.
The next step is to tell people to make it real and it will mean you are less likely to go back to your abuser.
Please don't EVER take him back.

fusspot66 · 29/12/2015 13:07

He could have killed you yesterday.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/12/2015 13:08

He will not change. And you cannot change him

You've done the rght thing for your kids.

pocketsaviour · 29/12/2015 13:08

Please do call the police OP. You need to have this on record in order to get a non-mol order to keep him away from the house. It also means you should be entitled to legal aid to deal with the divorce.

Do you own or rent together? Is he your DCs' father?

ManicPixieDream · 29/12/2015 13:09

Thank you. I know what you are saying is right. Your post has made me cry. I'm going to take kids bowling with some friends from work tomorrow. I'll try and tell them what's happened. It's all such a mess.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 29/12/2015 13:12

He chooses to drink.
He chooses to abuse you and your dc.
He chooses to attempt to manipulate you by blaming the drink.

Jibberjabberjooo · 29/12/2015 13:13

You can protect your kids by leaving him. That's the only way. Your eldest may want to go back but he's a child and you're the adult.

You cannot change him, please don't try. Have you called the police?

ManicPixieDream · 29/12/2015 13:15

I know. This is so messed up.
He is DCS dad. We have a mortgage. I work and pay all bills. I just can't believe it.

OP posts:

ManicPixieDream · 29/12/2015 13:17

Can I call the police even though it happened last night? Will they interview kids? Fuck. It's going to make it worse, isn't it?

OP posts:

Jibberjabberjooo · 29/12/2015 13:21

Of course you can.

Holly34 · 29/12/2015 13:29

Your silly to stay with a abusive man, he will repeat his actions over time. What are your children learning from this?

Please get yourself together just for your children. Give him space to think it over maybe couple of months a year. Don't open your doors or arms for a man just because he is sorry, until he doesnt change his ways fully.

you need to step aside for some time and think whats best for your children

VaticanAssassin · 29/12/2015 13:31

OP

You need to call the police, and yes, of course you can still contact them the day after. Your H has physically assaulted you twice in one night, and he needs to face up to the consequences of attacking the mother of his children

There are officers specially trained to work with children, who can speak to your DS in a way that won't cause him distress. It will not happen in a cold empty interview room. They will look after you and your boys.

The only way to protect your DCs- and yourself- is to remove all possibility of it happening again- and the only way to do that is leaving him. You've done the right thing.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/12/2015 13:33

OMG and he's a cocklodger. Why am I not surprised.
Please go to the police and report this.
You can request they don't involve the kids unless they absolutely have to.
But you have physical proof that he did this.
Get photo's of any bruising, bumps, scrapes etc.... Every little one.
It may make it worse at first but get all RL support you can to rally around you. They will help get you through this and keep this vile thug away from you and your DC.
You do need the police involved, as a PP said, for legal aid and to keep his away from you and the house.

PurpleWithRed · 29/12/2015 13:38

Tell the police.

Tell friends and family (so you have RL support).

Contact a solicitor, ask about changing the locks.

Congratulate yourself, you've done a wonderful thing.

dogwalker75 · 29/12/2015 13:38

You need to ring the police and report it to keep your children safe. If you don't report it and this happens again, it could get worse and he may harm your children (intentionally or not).

Where are you staying? You should speak to the police about taking out an order to keep him away from your home.

Hope you start to feel better soon

kittybiscuits · 29/12/2015 13:57

Yes to calling the police. Your children are the worse-placed people to know whether or not you should leave. You know what you need to do.

Lavent · 29/12/2015 13:59

One of the first things you will learn on Freedom is that alcohol is just an EXCUSE - he is abusing you got power and control.
Would you do any of those things just becuase you were drunk?! No.

Please speak to Womens Aid and sort out a plan to leave him. If he can continue to stay at this relatives for now that would be ideal. As you work you need specialist advice on financial consequences etc (not cheap to stay in a refuge if housing benefit are not footing the bill). Please call your local domestic abuse service and they should be able to advise.

Cabrinha · 29/12/2015 14:34

Please call the police.
Next time your eldest grabs a KNIFE to protect you, he may face a different kind of police interview when he's arrested for knifing his father.

You've been so brave to get him out. I really hope you can stay strong and continue to protect yourself and your sons.

zznotxy · 29/12/2015 14:50

Cabrina is right, but there is only one real man in the household and that is your DS who stood up for you. You should be so proud of him - and get out for all your benefits. I drink too much sometimes, I do some daft things, but I would never talk to my DW like that, ever. Be strong, go, and have the life you and your DCs deserve.

mix56 · 29/12/2015 14:54

Can I call the police even though it happened last night? Will they interview kids? Fuck. It's going to make it worse, isn't it?

No it won't make it worse, it will make it REAL. It means he can't just keep on doing it, that you won't just accept it, & that his children are NOT to be exposed to abusive possibly life threatening behaviour. it gets in on record. & you MUST report it.

ManicPixieDream · 29/12/2015 16:25

I've spoken to Women's Aid locally. They are going to get some help for both me and my eldest. I've just phoned the police. They said they will be here within the hour. I just wanted to thank everyone and update you. I need to tidy up before they get here.

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 29/12/2015 16:30

Brilliant - go you!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 29/12/2015 16:49

Good luck. Your ex is an abuser, alcohol is not a cause of abuse although it may be a trigger. He does not deserve another chance. If he moves out, gives up alcohol and completes a perpetrator programme then in 12 months you could consider seeing how you feel but that's honestly the minimum length of time he must take to prove himself.
Of course he probably won't do this, most abusers don't.

PitPatKitKat · 29/12/2015 17:10

Well done, you're doing the right thing, for you and your dcs. You've done a lot very quickly. Stay strong

mintoil · 29/12/2015 17:13

I do appreciate how hard it is. My DC were initially furious with me when I reported their father to the police when he beat the crap out of me. In my case it was the first time, but I knew I had to report it ( and he did do it again before I could get him to move out!)

Also, bear in mind that DV is one of the few scenarios where you can get legal aid for a divorce.

It's bloody scary, but it's the right thing. Just get all the help and support you can and take each day as it comes. I would also change the locks because you lost your keys, right otherwise you just aren't safe.

Flip

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