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How to be fair when dating (paying for things)

(2 Posts)
Beaverfever Tue 29-Dec-15 01:06:10

Early stage of relationship with new guy and we don't live together so anytime we see each other is when we go on dates.
Someone which are full days meaning breakfast, lunch, dinner, tickets to do things and anything else between.

We roughly take it in turns each time.
But I've noticed myself automatically paying or offering to pay multiple times in a row and I'm wondering if it's something in my subconscious.

He will pick up the bill too and I'm sure it evens out fairly but I just wonder if there is a formula that means no resentment.

I'm starting to question my sanity a bit when I wonder if things are fair and if they should be when earnings are different or f I'm just overthinking and should stop worrying.

Previously I was in a financially controlling marriage so haven't had proper access to my money up until leaving exh 6 months ago.

New guy is very nice and often offers to treat me to something I like when out shopping, but I get all bashful and don't feel I deserve it and so tell him not to, but sometimes I just think I'm being silly and let hi do it, but then I think if he really wanted to he would?

ComtesseDeSpair Tue 29-Dec-15 02:29:45

I find that verbalising it helps. So if you go to the cinema then just breezily say "I'll get our tickets - you okay to cover dinner later?" Or, when the bill arrives for breakfast "want to split this in half, or do you want to get it and I'll pay for the next one?" It acknowledges that you're content to pay your share but won't be taken for a ride. If you know you paid the last bill then be firm with yourself in waiting for him to say something about it, or make a direct reference to you having paid for X, does he want to get Y and you'll get Z.

If your earnings are wildly different then it's considerate of the higher earning party to either make sure that the restaurant/outing chosen is affordable or offer to pay for you both; if he knows you have a low income but still suggests pricey places without making it clear it's his treat then I think you really need to forget any embarrassment and have a firm conversation about it.

I don't think it's fair of you to feel that he should insist on buying something for you after you've declined his offer. He's presumably not a mind-reader and can't be expected to deduce that you're saying no but really you mean yes but don't want to say so. If I say no to something, I mean no: I'd be pissed off if a new boyfriend decided that my no really meant yes and went ahead anyway.

You mention doubting yourself and feeling compelled by subconscious feelings: have you considered counselling to help you with your feelings and the legacy of the abuse in your marriage? It sounds like it would really help you to explore your emotions. How much does new man know about your marriage? Do you think it's the right time to have a talk with him about the psychological effects of the financial abuse and how it's affected your relationship with money, gifts and displays of generosity?

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