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Demeaning and disrespectful

(15 Posts)
Purpleflipflops Mon 28-Dec-15 13:30:35

Been married over 20 years with lots of ups and downs. Dh has never held a job long term and lost his current one 3 weeks ago. He claims to have other things in the pipeline but will only do jobs that he wants to do rather than anything that would help cover the bills. He also barely lifts a finger at home so I get back from work to find cups and breakfast bowls lying around etc. He says he's not going to bother as I clearly don't want him here.

He refused to turn the TV down last night while I was trying to sleep as he said he had lost the remote control. I pointed out that some consideration would be nice and asked how his job hunting was getting on. He refused to answer and waved me away with his hand angry He has also twirled his finger at his head before now to imply that I am crazy. This usually happens when I have asked him things that he doesn't want to answer. For the last 2 days he has stayed in bed until around 2pm as he can't be arsed to get up then stays up late (4am one night) making noise. I am getting sick of this and have to get up at 5am for work tomorrow. He refuses to leave due to having no income and nowhere to go. What can I do?

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Mon 28-Dec-15 13:33:57

Why are you with such a waste of space? You can just about bring yourself to "understand" this behaviour from a teenager, but a grown man?! I struggle to see what he is bringing to the household/relationship.

In other words (my first ever) LTB

12purpleapples Mon 28-Dec-15 13:37:40

What is the reason for staying in this relationship?

mum2mum99 Mon 28-Dec-15 13:39:12

Your dp is showing no consideration for you.
He is a kept man and at least if he was away you wouldn't have to pick up the breakfast bowls and his mess.
So you already had the talk with him? Did you give him an ultimatum?
Kicking him out might be the best favour you can do to this man.
Do you have a few male friends or relative that can help to see him out?
Does he ever has to leave the house, you could get the lock changed if he is away...

MoominPie22 Mon 28-Dec-15 13:42:33

I don't know your rights re getting out of there, someone will be along to advise in that regard. But wot an utter bloody idiot he is. And a lazy arse to boot! angry Sounds to me like he's deliberately trying to wind you up and get you to leave.

I hope you can kick his sorry arse out of there and get some peace. This is not a marriage.

Arfarfanarf Mon 28-Dec-15 13:43:43

thanks oh that does sound like total crap for you.
Clearly he isnt going to change so your choices are stay in this life with him treating you this way or leave.
Leaving is difficult and costly and there are losses you will suffer but you have to weigh up the cost of leaving v the cost of living out the rest of your days on this earth tethered to this useless arsehole.
Whatever you choose wont be easy.
It will come down to which is less difficult for you. That will ultimately be the choice you make.

Joysmum Mon 28-Dec-15 13:47:25

Well you could try saying that as this is a 50/50 relationship that you'll take turns with the 2pm sleep ins and you'll be mirroring the effort and benefits he brings to your partnership and taking what he does from it in equal amounts too. That means that as you don't like your job and only do it for the money, you'll be quitting your job and taking his attitude to working too. You don't actually have to go all of that but it may be enough to shock him into realising what a cocklodger he's been.

My guess is that it won't though so you either have to accept him as he is or get rid.

Purpleflipflops Mon 28-Dec-15 13:51:56

House is in joint names. I am late 40's so will have difficulty extending the mortgage to buy him out but will make an appointment with the bank to ask the question. Have one teenage ds who has a disability and is taking GCSE'S this year so is very stressed already. I don't want to cause him upset sad

12purpleapples Mon 28-Dec-15 13:55:45

You could try to live as separately as you can within the house, as a starting point. eg if you stop doing his washing, stop cooking for him etc.

mintoil Mon 28-Dec-15 14:00:32

Go to see a solicitor and see what your options are. Many will do 30 mins free. Once you have the information you can decide on your next steps.

Ultimately though, it's not a great environment for you or DS, and you need to get away from him.

You may not have to buy him out until DS is 18 - see what solicitor says and take it from there. Just promise yourself next Christmas will be different.

wafflerinchief Mon 28-Dec-15 14:14:49

purple going to the bank sounds a good idea - if you offered the waste of space a buy out, he might sling his hook quite easily if he's that miserable - late 40s isn't that old if you don't need a very long term of mortgage. I'd start there because he's simply not moving because it's too easy for him - if you can offer him another easy option and get his name off the house, it might be a case of problem solved. Getting a mortgage when you're older isn't always hard if you have some assets already.

Purpleflipflops Mon 28-Dec-15 14:57:00

Thanks for all the advice. He did once say he would leave if I gave him x amount but wouldn't put that in writing and the amount then kept increasing. I have a pension and he doesn't so he will probably want all that he can get. His family have a solicitor they would offer him to use so he doesn't have to worry about the costs like I do.

wafflerinchief Mon 28-Dec-15 15:08:19

he'll only get what he's entitled to though - and you'll get free of the waste of space. You're not old, how much longer do you want to spend with the misery guts? Seize the day. It's nearly new year....

abbsismyhero Mon 28-Dec-15 22:35:27

a solicitor will still be bound by the law they can't get more than what is fair and if he is not working he will be limited by what he can get anyway as he can't be contributing to the house if he isn't working

abbsismyhero Mon 28-Dec-15 22:36:05

and take the remote to work

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