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Need a grip (and a hug)

(28 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Lovelilies2 Mon 28-Dec-15 09:07:30

Backstory- Ex p has been emotionally/ verbally/ threatening abusive in the past. As recently as a disastrous trip to Australia in October/ November for his brother's wedding when he screamed shouted and swore at me and my DD (10)
Have posted in the past.

I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant with dc3 (no. 2 with him- DS is nearly 2)

I have told him it's over, I can't handle any more. He's moved out into one of his flats. I'm buying a small house for me and dcs near my mum. Obviously this is taking a few weeks because of Xmas etc.

He rang me this morning to say he had a dream I lost the baby, wanting reassurance and compassion because he had a bad dream. Then said i want you out of the house ASAP, I want my son 3 and a half days a week or I'll take you to court! I have never said he can't see him. He's always seeing him here because he says the flat is too cold hmm there is heating.
He conveniently forgets that we are in this situation because of all the shit he has put me and the kids through. I am doing my best to get things sorted and move ASAP.
These threats of court etc are upsetting and intimidating sad
I have said to him to organise mediation and we'll sort out contact properly if he's not happy with what I've offered (2 full days and 2 sleep overs). He says he'll go for 'full custody'.

I hate this. Need an un mumsnetty hug.

kittybiscuits Mon 28-Dec-15 09:15:30

Ah - abusive ex in full custody-seeking threat! Can you start to create some distance from him? You need to move contact out of your home and I would stop the phone calls and use email or he will do this every time he gets a bee in his bonnet. Mediation is fine but in my experience, he will lie about everything and not adhere to the written agreement. Well done on getting rid off him. It's time to start kicking him into the long grass. Can't he ring his mummy if he has a bad dream?

kittybiscuits Mon 28-Dec-15 09:16:14

(((♡))) < sorry - here's your hug!

gamerchick Mon 28-Dec-15 09:20:55

They always do the court thing and threaten full custody. It makes us hesitate and flap.

Carry on with your plans, don't worry about all of that, it just sounds he wants to get out of paying CM more than anything.

cantmakeme Mon 28-Dec-15 09:26:14

They always claim to want the child to live with them, or a full 50/50 split, but it's quite unlikely to happen.

I would second the advice to get some physical distance from him. And take whatever he says with a pinch of salt! He probably says whatever he needs to say to win an argument, if he's like most abusive partners and exes on here...

Lovelilies2 Mon 28-Dec-15 09:33:11

Thank you all. I made the mistake of feeling sorry for him over Christmas (good will and all that).

Would you suggest I text/ email him with proposed dates and times for having our boy and leave it at that?

kittybiscuits Mon 28-Dec-15 09:35:13

I would give him a bit of space for a few days and then, yes, email some options.

kittybiscuits Mon 28-Dec-15 09:37:22

If you text then you clearly have you phone in your hand and he will ring. He isn't going to stop being abusive. He will try every trick in the book to upset you and throw you off balance. Well done for leaving him.

Lovelilies2 Mon 28-Dec-15 09:46:28

I just wish he'd disappear sad
Knew the 'Mr Perfect' routine wouldn't last.
He's so bloody manipulative and good at making himself into the victim.

Lovelilies2 Mon 28-Dec-15 09:49:11

He's made a real 'effort' with my DD I've the last few weeks. Showing her attention, nice Christmas presents etc etc. He even had the nerve to say 'DD has forgiven me' on the phone this morning. She's so confused. He's been the only father figure she's had, although he's been horrible to her most of the time.
I feel like I should just keep her away from him, but she wants to see him...

Lovelilies2 Mon 28-Dec-15 09:49:26


Lovelilies2 Mon 28-Dec-15 10:23:36

Text just now from him

I dreamt you lost the baby - called you to make sure things were ok that's all. I know you don't do compassion so was particularly asking for that!
I didn't say I want you out of the house ASAP .., merely asked for a timescale! You say when its habitable... That really doesn't help me. Yes I want to look after Ds for 3 and a half days a week .. You say no! But when it's convenient for you then you're happy for me to do so... So from now on I want to be looking after him in the flat from Wednesday 5:30 evening to Saturday 6:00pm. I will pay January mortgage but after that you will be responsible.. ... Above and beyond to call me a cunt really shows who you are!
Furthermore I've put you through any 'shit' other provide for my family and love you. Hence you decided to have another baby with me! Don't judge me by your standards!

What a head fuck.
Fwiw I didnt call him a cunt, I said he's behaved like one in the past. I never swear, I got so angry when he was saying he'll take his son off me.

What should be my next move? I'm all at sea sad

kittybiscuits Mon 28-Dec-15 10:26:26

Ignore him. That's it. Whatever he sends, ignore. Don't respond for at least 24 hours then minimal response. 'I'm sorry that won't be possible'.

kittybiscuits Mon 28-Dec-15 10:27:40

And call Child Maintenance Options tomorrow and open a case with Child Maintenance Service.

Lovelilies2 Mon 28-Dec-15 10:38:38

Up until now he's been paying all mortgage and half bills. He knows it will be difficult for me to pay it.
I'll ring CMS tomorrow.

Do I have to let him have DS? Or can it wait til we have an 'official agreement' ?

kittybiscuits Mon 28-Dec-15 11:59:15

Without a Contact Order you are under no legal obligation to facilitate contact. Equally without a Contact Order your ex is under no obligation to return your DS to you. What's best for your son? Is he safe with his Dad and pleased to see him? Can you suggest contact away from the home?

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf Mon 28-Dec-15 12:25:58

Do not reply to his messages.

The threat about applying for full contact is normal. It's to make us feel like we're in danger still, and for them to use more control.

He screamed and swore at your DD. That's putting your children at risk of verbal abuse, so no, don't send DC until a formal agreement has been reached.

Have you got any input from SS or a DV recovery team?

ImperialBlether Mon 28-Dec-15 12:29:33

No way would I let him have the child for 3.5 days per week. I'd let him go to court for that. There's no way that's in a 2 year old child's best interests.

Lovelilies2 Mon 28-Dec-15 12:34:28

I'm in touch with local domestic abuse service.
As far as I know he has looked after DS well when I'm not around. But he has been abusive to DD verbally and physically.

My mum is here now, helping me make a plan of action ie who I need to ring tomorrow etc.
It's all so bloody draining. Can't see the wood for the trees. I want to do the right thing for DS. Exp gets in my head so much I'm doubting myself! I know I'm a good mum but feel like he'll lie and try and do anything to discredit me.

Lovelilies2 Mon 28-Dec-15 12:53:41

Shall I send this? So he knows he's not having him this Wednesday (or until he gets a court order)

Lovelilies2 Mon 28-Dec-15 12:54:31

Text to exp

"Due to your recent threatening behaviour and unreasonable demands, DS will be staying with me. All further contact with me will be through solicitors. "

Not sent yet, just seeing if okay ?
God, I hate this.

Lovelilies2 Mon 28-Dec-15 12:55:27

Oops just reported as had DS name in

kittybiscuits Mon 28-Dec-15 13:05:27

I wouldn't send anything at the moment. I would wait. The threats will escalate.

Lovelilies2 Mon 28-Dec-15 13:19:39

Okay. I just want to try and avoid him turning up and demanding him.

Lovelilies2 Mon 28-Dec-15 17:26:50

My friend has just left mine and seen his car driving slowly past my house.

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