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What do I do next, if anything?

19 replies

PUER125 · 28/12/2015 03:43

My son is in his late twenties, and whilst our relationship has always been difficult, it is getting worse.
To give some context, I left his father when I was six months pregnant with my son due to his violence. He has since died. My son never got on with his father, mainly because my ex was an alcoholic who treated my son appallingly, whether sober or drunk. Son didn't see his father from about age fourteen.
Son's partner left him about a year ago, and a new partner and her daughter (three and a half) moved in recently. He has his four-year old daughter every weekend.
I didn't have another relationship until son was 13, and finally re-married when he was almost twenty. He has never liked my husband,and in the seven years we have been married has visited our home half a dozen times. (I moved when I got married, and neither of my sons wanted to move with me so I gave each of them a deposit to buy a house).
Son has never treated me with any respect, has called me by my first name for years, nothing I do is ever good enough; he disparages my work and earnings even though I brought up two children on my wage, managed to keep the family home, and they never suffered financially from my marriage break down.
When my Granddaughter was born, I bought the travel system they wanted, I didn't offer unwanted advice, in fact I have always walked on eggshells when discussing anything with him, as his way is always right; no one else's opinion matters since he is obviously superior to them. I visited almost every week, but would always check it was okay to do so, and would stay about three hours since I live about an hours drive away. I got on well with his partner, who once asked why her own mother couldn't be more like me. So I wasn't a 'mother-in-law' from hell.
Son struggled academically but is very intelligent, with a phenomenal memory that he puts to use in bringing up every wrong anyone, but especially me, has ever done to him. He did an apprenticeship, works hard and earns good money.
Since his partner left him, he has insisted that all family members cut her dead. I refused since she is the mother of my grandchild. This caused untold problems where he didn't speak to me, and eventually he and his ex were having a stand up row in the street and I tried to take my granddaughter in the house and away from her warring parents. I was called a two-faced-cow and sworn at by my son's ex, and she stopped speaking to me too.
Recently, things have worsened with my son toward me. I ring and ask if I can call round, he asks what time, I suggest a time and he always alters it by ten minutes as it is more convenient for him. I am not allowed to give my granddaughter any sweets or treats unless I ask permission which is often refused, yet I was told that whilst I looked after her for the weekend whilst he and his new partner went on holiday, I had to buy her some new shoes, new wellies and new tights.
I offered to buy the girls a pram and doll each for Christmas, to treat them both the same, but was told no. I therefore got the pram and doll just for my granddaughter for her recent birthday. (With permission)
In recent weeks, my son has told me to F off home as he had told both girls off for doing the same thing, but had also put his daughter on the naughty step as extra punishment. When this happened again, I saw him in the kitchen alone and suggested it wasn't fair to deal more harshly with one child when they had both done the same thing wrong. He told me it was none of my business and that if I was such a great parent, how come he and his brother were like they are. He then told me to F off home. I told my husband we were leaving as I was no longer welcome. I said goodbye to my son three times and was met with silence each time. When my husband said bye, my son said bye back.
The following week I was invited for my Granddaughter's birthday tea. My son hardly spoke to me and when I asked why, he said what did I expect after my behaviour? The girls went to bed and after about ten minutes, my son said he hoped I wasn't going to outstay my welcome like I usually do. I left about ten minutes later, after being accused of being in contact with his ex.
The following weekend, the family met at the pub for a celebration. He hardly spoke to me. Many people were eating and my Granddaughter said she was hungry so I asked her Dad if I could get her some food. He said no since her Mum was collecting her in an hour. Granddaughter continued to say she was hungry so I asked again if she could have some food since there was no guarantee her Mum would be feeding her straight away. He bought her sausage and chips which she really enjoyed.
He then laced into me, bringing up all sorts of things where I seem to forget he is the parent and I have no right to interfere. I asked him why he is so awful to me, and why he hadn't told me about a car crash he had had a few days previously that I had just been told about, and he said, I put it on snapchat, it's your fault if you didn't see it. He then said that's what happens when someone outstays their welcome and someone gets too tired to drive. He then said I was disgusting and that I disgust him and walked away. They left about an hour later and his partner said goodbye but he didn't.
I had asked when I could call round with Christmas presents and was told he didn't know. He has said to a relative that I am an arse, but he has told me what I am and he therefore blames me for not talking to him since I don't like the truth.
Having heard nothing from him, I called round unannounced today on my way to visit a friend. The house was empty so I rang him to ask where he was, and was it okay for me to leave their presents in the hallway. He was visiting his partners father, an hour and a half away, (yet my house an hour away is too far).
I left the presents in the hall, and have been rewarded with a text saying 'Thanks for our presents'.
Where do I take it from here? He has all the power since he has my Granddaughter. Do I accept that he doesn't like me and wants nothing to do with me, or do I continue to put myself forward in the firing line for his emotional abuse, and leaving his house in tears every time, just to spend time with my Granddaughter?

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TheSpectreOfMorningtonCrescent · 28/12/2015 05:57

Sorry, but yes I think so. I know he's your son but frankly he's an arse. I'd still keep the lines of communication open with your gd, send cards etc, but why keep putting yourself through this? Time to walk away.