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Was this abuse? Keep feeling waves of panic

(6 Posts)
ranley7 Sun 27-Dec-15 23:30:25

I ended a relationship with a man in August. We had been together 2 years and lived together for about 11 months by the time I moved out. The ultimate reason I ended it was finding out he had withdrawn money from a shared account and lied about doing so, knowing that I wouldnt be able to pay our rent (when he was away on holiday).

I have come on here asking for opinions on whether this sort of behaviour constitues abuse. I happened to mention an event to my colleague the other night over drinks. I did this sort of in jest, just telling a story, but my colleague seemed shocked and said that I didnt seem to realise that it was abuse. Since ending it I have felt a huge sense of relief, but also terror, because every so often I will rememeber something he did and it makes me feel sick. He could be SO loving, and that is what scares me I think. I'll try and explain the sorts of things he would do:

It got to the point where I would feel physically sick at a message from my exDP, becuase 90 percent of the time it would be information about a new lie he had told that he could no longer keep from me. Examples include lying about his income, about annual leave, wanting to extend our tenancy on the house but telling the estate agent he didnt and leaving me to find out when people came to view it, saying i could use his car so no need to buy one (after mine packed in), only to then be told a day before starting a new job that actually it wasnt ok to use his car...throughout all of this, the worst thing my ex did was 'have no battery' after sending the text, or 'in the gym,'...he always had an excuse and i wouldnt be able to contact him for hours at a time after he sent a message like that.

Last christmas he had been away with work for 4 weeks, and said when he got back we would go together to london for his friends birthday (i was invited). Told me he had booked the tickets for the train, then the day before said he wouldnt afford for me to go as well, but went anyway the day after he landed back in the uk. he behaved like this all the time... i can think of lots more examples but to be honest i am crying as i type this already.

i've been dating since october and met some great people. i dont find it difficult to go on dates and meet people, but i am finding it so hard to trust men. i hate this, i am so skeptical and cynical. i never used to be like this.

ranley7 Sun 27-Dec-15 23:31:38

sorry for the rambled post!

springydaffs Sun 27-Dec-15 23:56:13

Well I don't know but it was a fucking nightmare nonetheless. Poor you flowers

Well done for dumping him. He sounds possibly unhinged - but you sound traumatised. I'm not surprised, anybody would be.

Not all men are like this! Most are bog standard ordinary blokes - we just get to hear about the nightmares on MN confused

Look after yourself lovely. At least you don't have to put up with his headfuckery any more - but it may help to have a short term of therapy to process it? Your call.

luluzulu Mon 28-Dec-15 09:21:22

Mind games and deception, he is a man who can cause a lot of damage and make things seem as though they were no big deal. He had your head in a spin and your well rid. Good luck and keep ur chin up.

LineyReborn Mon 28-Dec-15 09:28:00

Yes it was abusive, cruel, utter head-fuck stuff, and you are probably still traumatised from it.

Well done for leaving this horrible situation. And honestly - most men aren't like this. But do be careful in your next relationship not to repeat a pattern. Keep talking and posting, I think it will help you.

NormaStanleyFletcher Mon 28-Dec-15 09:32:15

Abuse and gaslighting.

May your next one be a good 'un

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