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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

He can't have kids and I'm deeply in love, feel gutted

49 replies

gottago2 · 27/12/2015 22:42

I've fallen in love with a man who is 52. I am 32. He can't have anymore children for biological reasons. I badly want children. We can't be together unless I am ok with not having kids. He already has 2 from a previous marriage.

I knew from 4 weeks into dating him that he couldn't have kids. We stopped seeing each other but still spoke - I feel like he is my soulmate and it's hard not to talk to him. We only text - nothing on the phone. It's been like this for months with a coffee every other week or so as friends.

I love him so much and so deeply. He understands the situation and has said to me that if it's easier for us not to speak, he understands and will not pursue talking. At the same time, he says he is willing to be friends as he doesn't want to lose me in his life.

This man has been open and honest with me and I have tried to reason with myself that this wont work etc, and I know that. I have been on dates recently and know I must focus on my own future. But the love for him is still there.

Not sure what I'm asking really...just feel really low. I have never ever been in love like it - I think the absolute world of him. Not sure what to do from here...

OP posts:

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MairzyDoats · 27/12/2015 22:44

How would he feel about you bearing children who weren't biologically his?

gottago2 · 27/12/2015 22:46

thankyou for replying. We talked about this and neither of us were keen on that option, and I dont know if i personally would be ok with it even if he was. His kids are also grown up and i think ideally he has closed the chapter on that part of his life.

OP posts:

lazymoz · 27/12/2015 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 27/12/2015 23:33

How sure are you that you want children? What do you think your chances are of meeting someone else and having kids?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 27/12/2015 23:33

You are going to have to decide one day whether you chose him or the possibility of children. It isn't going to change. The choice would be best made sooner rather than later.:(

LyndaNotLinda · 27/12/2015 23:36

If you really want children then stop contact and move on. The idea of a soulmate is romantic nonsense.

He doesn't want children and you do. The end. Find someone who does want children (or have them on your own). But don't throw away your remaining fertile years pining over a man who is in a different place in life to you.

Claraoswald36 · 27/12/2015 23:47

Sounds really hard. Has he had the snip do you mean?

notapizzaeater · 27/12/2015 23:50

My sister is in a relationship like this, her DH doesn't want kids but she desperately does. They got married. (I know !!!) and it's eating her up. It's now too late for her and she's turning into a bitter disappointed woman.

ZenNudist · 27/12/2015 23:50

I think you just want what you can't have. He probably seems more attractive because of it. I'd think about working out what in your own (I hate this word) psyche is making you want this. You are very much sabotaging your own future that you say you want but are working against by not moving on from this man.

The likely future you're looking at with this man is being widowed in middle age 50s or 60s, alone with no dc. Whilst none of us can count on dc keeping us company in later life you would at least have pride and accomplishment in your dc's exploits or any dgc even if you didn't live near them.

I'm not saying child free life is empty. It seems fulfilling in different ways - but you have to want it. It would be hard to get say 7 tears into a relationship with this man, then realise he's not "the one" and find yourself infertile.

I think it speaks volumes that he isn't interested in having more dc with you. At the end of the day he isn't willing to compromise in his lifestyle to bd Roth you, but you have to compromise on your future plans to be with him.

Go non-contact. You're making things worse still seeing him. Date other men and consign this man to a happy memory but ultimately unsuitable.

ZenNudist · 27/12/2015 23:51

Compromise his lifestyle to "be with you". Damn autocorrect

reasonstobecheerful123 · 27/12/2015 23:52

Hobson's Choice.

BertrandRussell · 27/12/2015 23:55

Are you absolutely sure he can't have children?

Morganly · 27/12/2015 23:58

Please don't sacrifice your life and future for this man. You can fall in love again with someone your own age who wants the same things as you do. Short term pain for long term gain.

Brokenbiscuit · 27/12/2015 23:59

In the nicest possible way, you're 32, and if you do really want to have children, then you haven't got time to waste on this relationship.

It's entirely possible to live a happy, meaningful and fulfilling life without children, of course, but if you really want kids of your own, then I think you'd regret staying with a man who doesn't want to share that with you.

springydaffs · 28/12/2015 00:03

Has he had the snip? That can be reversed - not always successfully but often from what I've read.

If that's the case and he just doesn't want kids then that's your answer I'm afraid. Sorry op.

MajesticWhine · 28/12/2015 00:22

Agree with what Lynda and ZenNudist said

I don't believe in soul mates. If you can have a good relationship with him then you can with someone else. Maybe he seems more alluring because of what he doesn't offer. Best thing would be to go no contact and date some other people. Things could look different in 6 months.

BloodontheTracks · 28/12/2015 00:24

I know it's hard when you feel you've fallen for someone, but this feels like an older man keen to have his cake and eat it. At your age I would open up and look elsewhere. If you maintain a close friendship, you're going to be stuck in an on and off affair type relationship which will seem passionate and exciting precisely because it is under-invested, which will confuse your heart and one day you're going to wake up and be 36/37 and in the same position. try and consider that the love is still there partly BECAUSE of the obstacle. That's what obstacle does, make everything seem a but romeo and juliet whereas actually it's a bit practical and dull. Is / was he married?

ChablisTyrant · 28/12/2015 00:28

I wasted 6 years of my twenties on a situation exactly like this. Much older man with 2 kids and vasectomy that couldn't be reversed. More importantly he'd done that part of his life and understandably wanted to move on. We finally split up and thankfully I met met my DH after a year. You are older than I was - please don't waste your time.

oneowlgirl · 28/12/2015 00:36

I agree with the others - unfortunately there's no compromise here so if you really want children then you need to move on & give yourself the opportunity to meet someone to have children with.

BloodontheTracks · 28/12/2015 00:39

Even if the children thing is not THE most important thing to you in the world, I still think resentment about it would eventually distress you as years go on and you need to explore other relationships in your own age group. The fact he is clearly also backing away and making it your decision but asking to maintain a 'friendship' so he doesn't lose you is, in my mind, possibly irresponsible in itself and does not speak well of him. In an ideal world, I think this man would have the courage and compassion to walk away completely for your greater good. I know you describe his position as if to compliment him but I think actually it's quite cruel and pushing the responsibility on to you, where you are possibly vulnerable to not investing in anyone else at a very important time in your life. Impossible to say without more details, of course.

goddessofsmallthings · 28/12/2015 01:01

What are the "biological reasons" why he can't have any more children?

If there's a genetic issue you could have a dc by donor within a loving marriage to him, or is that he simply doesn't want any more dc or thinks he's too old to start over with infants?

areyoubeingserviced · 28/12/2015 01:10

Are you sure that he can't have chidren?

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AnnP1963 · 28/12/2015 01:19

Basically your feelings will never change and in time you will come to resent this situation. He is 20 years older than you which might seem romantic now but my lovely when you are 38 he will be retiring and then what you will be living with a pensioner and still not have your longed for family.

The longing for children will be far stronger than the longing for him. I feel he is being a little selfish. You can of course have donor sperm and this would be a lovely option, so I do not know why he is objecting. The only reason is he probably doesn't want a baby at 52. I am this age and it would I have to say be very tiring. If this is how you feel he isn't the right man for you. be strong and move on from this. You know you can do it, you really do. I wish you luck and I hope you find future happiness with someone who is younger and more up for having your family that you desire.

Isetan · 28/12/2015 07:31

Every moment you spend pining for this man, is time taken away from finding someone you can have kids with. It's not an easy decision but it ain't rocket science either.

annandale · 28/12/2015 07:47

You need to put a full stop to this texting and meeting for coffee and move on. Obviously on Mumsnet you are going to get a lot of 'pro-child' views but I married someone who didn't want children, thinking I loved him enough compared to my general desire for children, to find that being happy and settled with someone made my desire for children about 10 x stronger. I spent 4 ridiculous years trying to sort it out in my mind and then left him, which was a stupidly hurtful thing to do to anyone. It was the right choice, but it would have been an awful lot righter if we'd never got married.

He must know, if he's dating women in their 30s, that he is likely to meet women who would like children of their own. It's good that he was upfront about this early on. Climb out of the pool and get into the changing room, it's time for the next stage of your life.

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