Husband abusive, can I make this better?

[Asthecr0wflies]

After some much needed advice , I think my relationship may well be over but am very conflicted if this is true and how I could ever move on...I am not new to mumsnet

In summary, I have been married for 6 years, together for 11. We have a 3yo little girl.

We met young at 19 and had a very intense relationship.

Within the first year, we had an argument which resulted in him out-of-the-blue slapping me across the face, hard enough for me to fall sideways. I tried to finish the relationship there and then but he clung to my feet, begged me and seemed devastated. I said if it ever happened again, I would leave him. Up to this point our relationship was wonderful.

The slapping never has happened again but it has stayed with me. Over the years in arguments I have pushed more to see if he ever would do so again. Why I don't know.

In all honesty he has been physically intimidating several times, snarling, pushing his face into mine and pointing in my face. Whispering he would leave my body bloated in a river etc. But he hasn't touched me.

Some of these times (not all) I have lashed out and hit him. I know this isn't acceptable and I am confused/hate myself afterwards.

When I try to discuss (but not excuse) my actions with him, he won't accept his provocation but deflects onto my lashing out. We move on back to normal.

He is very verbally aggressive which only recently he has admitted to. He often berates me for housework issues but the latest example would be waking on Christmas Day and he called me a cunt within a couple of minutes of opening my eyes as we were seeing my family on the day and not his. It's been worse since I gave birth.

He is a very intelligent and good looking man. When all of this isn't happening, he is very witty, makes me laugh and I can enjoy myself with him.

He has been reading about adult ego vs child ego and tells me I have adopted the child ego and need to become adult (but that seems to mean accepting his way )? I don't fully understand this and just don't have the time to read up about it

He is a wonderful father, he goes above and beyond expectations, although he does criticise the minutiae of what I do with our child eg, if the TV is on in the background

I am no longer sexually attracted to him, I don't know when the spark went.
He still is attracted to me and I feel guilty.
I have not had an affair but honestly I have felt attraction for other people. If we were to stay together, this would be something we could work on.

He has been clear that he will not let me go. He has been clear that he would take our child if he could

Leaving would change everything I know ...including financial security and my child's future ...I would be judged for divorce

Can we get better?
Is it worth trying?
Separating him from his child seems awful to me, especially as they have such a good relationship

Please help.... People would be very shocked as outwardly we seem very together and loving but I have started feeling numb inside.

I don't know if I do want to fight for us, the good 'us' is genuinely great , is it possible we can move forward? Or is it just too late..

[Castrovalva]

No.

Just. No.

[Shutthatdoor]

No.

You have both been abusive.

It can't be saved imo.

[HelsBels3000]

run away. as fast as you can.

[AliceInUnderpants]

[Penfold007]

So he was violent eleven years ago and you've been violent ever since?

[LionHeartedWoman]

It sounds like a very worrying and an unhealthy relationship. Please be careful and call women's aid for advice on how to safely end this. Things sound likely to escalate.

[TimeToMuskUp]

Wow, you both need to be away from one another. Sorry to be brutal, but you both sound equally dreadful for one another. Womens Aid will help you begin to work out what you need to do next. Ask them for help. You very desperately need it.

[Funinthesun15]

You both need to be away from each other.

You are both abusive towards each other.

This has to stop.

[gamerchick]

In all honesty he has been physically intimidating several times, snarling, pushing his face into mine and pointing in my face. Whispering he would leave my body bloated in a river etc. But he hasn't touched me.

This ^^ is so upsetting to read. I had a boyfriend once who would whisper and snarl things like the above. His mind was a cesspit and eventually tried to chuck me over a staircase onto the stairs. When it was good it was really good but he properly used to scare me when it was bad.

Since you have a child you need a very careful plan but you need to leave this person. The things he has going on his head needs you to run away from and take your child with you.

[Asthecr0wflies]

Ok thank you for your responses , all very clear,
I know we are both at fault and I know it has to stop.
I will look into moving forward from tomorrow, I may contact women's aid too.

[thelaundryfairy]

I agree with what the other posters have said. Take care, stay strong, and good luck for the future.

[IcecreamBus]

You are dead right that one of you needs to leave. None of it is normal behaviour in a loving relationship. Most importantly, your child is watching and learning. Do you want them to think this is acceptable and settle for this kind of relationship? I'm guessing no.

Please follow your instincts and end this ASAP. I know it isn't an easy thing to do, but it'll be worth it.

[goddessofsmallthings]

The unhealthy dynamic of your relationship is no good for either of you as it'a causing you to bring out the worst in each other.

If you are economically dependent on him you can ask Women's Aid to provide a refuge placement for you and dd as he will undoubtedly try to ramp it up if you remain within easy reach after you've left him.

You won't be 'separating him from his child' in the long term, but you would be ill-advised to agree to any access request that involves him entering or staying in your (new) home.

Better to be judged by some having divorced than be judged by your dc for any real or perceived shortcomings in their childhood caused by your abusive relationship with their df.

Fwiw he may have been reading 'I'm OK, You're OK' but, regardless of whatever tome he's dipped his nose into, you both have a lot of growing up to do before you become adults in the true sense of the word.