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Am I being the bigger person or a doormat?

(7 Posts)
Ipushedmygrannyaffabus Sun 27-Dec-15 21:54:25

Been with DP for 8 years. I moved up to his tiny hometown, 5 hours from my family. All good until recently when I decided I wanted to move closer to my home. DP agreed (he works away so is never home anyway) and it would be easier for me to get a new job closer to home. I always suspected MIL didn't like me and never had that much to do with her when DP wasn't home. Anyway, I got a phonecall (actually 4 phone calls but I only answered 1) from her the other night - ranting about how I was taking her son away from his home, did I think he actually wanted to go, I was a selfish cow for getting a new job at home and I was an evil bitch. Charming. I said nothing, put the phone down and blocked her number when she kept calling. DP won't talk about it. Tells me not to bring it up when I mention it. My family have been NOTHING but welcoming to him and would NEVER speak to anyone like that. There's plenty I want to say to her (her son is 42 years okd fgs!!), am I letting myself be walked over by not saying anything, or will I achieve more by simply refusing to ever see her again, never so much as mention her again and not put DP in the middle?

DoreenLethal Sun 27-Dec-15 21:58:38

Don't retaliate. That's what she wants. Smile, move and have a happy life near to your friends and family.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 27-Dec-15 22:37:41

As has been said many times before on here, you don't have a mil problem you have a dp problem.
If he's cool with her abusing you and says nothing, then everything she said I bet he secretly agrees with.

Rivercam Sun 27-Dec-15 22:47:48

By dp not talking about it means one of two things.
1) he thinks his mother is being over the top and so it's not worth responding to
2) he actually agrees with his mother, but doesn't want to upset you by saying this.

I think you need to discuss with dp about what he actually thinks about his mothers rant, is he sympathetic or cross. Is he happy about the move away from his family?

I would perhaps not respond to her rant directly, but talk about your future plans, and even invite her to visit. She may fear that sh is loosing her son, and by you inviting her, you are including her in the picture ( and being the bigger person).

Ipushedmygrannyaffabus Mon 28-Dec-15 00:23:55

He says he just doesn't want to be stuck in the middle and can't stand the angst. I,ve spoken to him again since reading the replies on here and he said he had words with his mother till she eventually accepted that the move was a joint decision. I'm sooooo glad we have moved 300 miles away. I always said she didn't like me and he refused to believe me - at least now he can't deny it. The thing is, I LOVE extended families and was planning to invite his parents to our new place for new year - NO chance of that now!

OurBlanche Mon 28-Dec-15 10:56:25

When all is a bit calmer, tell him that you appreciate that he spoke to his mum however in cutting off conversation with you he didn't actually pass on that information and left you feeling adrift, guilty that you had pushed him into something, that a quick sentence would have allayed your fears.

Then tell him you love him, again, and remind him that good communication will be key to the two of you reducing our stress levels and misunderstandings.

Be prepared though, it may be a conversation you have a lot. 30 years on and I still have to joggle DHs memory. His mum, and sibs, have done a great job on his FOG buttons sad

MoominPie22 Mon 28-Dec-15 11:49:07

What a nasty old bitch! Thank God you're miles away and I would NEVER have anything to do with the toxic witch ever again. She's burnt her bridges and shown her true colours there. angry

You really don't wanna get involved in, and start conducting a relationship with a toxic individual. They can make your life an utter misery ( visit the Stately Homes thread and that should stop you extending the olive branch anytime soon! ), you wouldn't put up with being spoken to like that off any other person so she sure as hell shouldn't get a free pass to poison your life with her nasty bile! Fuck the fact she's family shock

I just hope your partner is going to be supportive and understand your viewpoint. Nobody should have to tolerate a vile person, who blatently hates them, in their life just to appease their partner. You just don't need that stress. She will never like you, if this is her personality. Any normal person could have spoken openly about their concerns in a civilized fashion. But she chose to be vindictive and abusive.

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