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Was I raped? How should I feel?

(15 Posts)
LeiaSkywalker Sun 27-Dec-15 21:51:14

I have NC for this, it's very personal and I'd never told anyone until I broke down in tears and told my mum. I feel pathetic.

I had a relationship with a man who was emotionally abusive and physically aggressive. We have a child together.

I went off physical contact while I was pregnant. He didn't respect that at all and would take it personally when I asked him not to touch me. Several times he forced kisses on me.

One time we were in bed and I'd told him I wasn't in the mood and didn't want to do anything. He kept pushing and I kept saying no. I was lying down and out of nowhere he...forced sex on me. I didn't know what to do so just lay there for a while before shouting "what the FUCK are you doing?!" And hit him until he got off me. He tried to laugh it off saying he thought I'd change my mind, then apologised.

I tried to pretend it didn't happen for ages, I kept making mental loopholes for why what he did was okay, why its not really rape, why it wasn't meant maliciously. I just can't anymore. I'm always angry when I talk to him regarding arrangements with our DC and this is why.

I feel like I don't have a right t be upset about this. He didn't beat me or drag me down an alley and it lasted less than 5 minutes. It feels tame compared to what some women go through. I feel awful about it but at the same time like I'm making a big deal out of nothing

I don't know what I'm looking for with this I'm just venting sad

Cabrinha Sun 27-Dec-15 21:56:21

He raped you.
You said no, he did it anyway.
That's rape.
If you call Rape Crisis to talk to experienced people, they'll be really familiar with this - I think it's probably more common than the beaten in an alley situation you describe. They certain won't compare the two.
You were raped, and they - and people here - will listen.

I'm sorry it happened to you flowersflowers

WONAR Sun 27-Dec-15 21:58:19

You were raped OP. I'm sorry. Similar happened to me and I feel the exact same way about it - like I'm "not allowed" to think of it as rape, and it's not as serious as what happens/has happened to others. I have also made the mental loopholes and pretended it didn't happen. Only recently have I come to acknowledge it as what it was.

whaleshark Sun 27-Dec-15 21:58:50

I'm really sorry that this happened, but it sounds like you know he raped you, as does he. As for how you should feel, there is no right answer. However you feel about it is valid.

LeiaSkywalker Sun 27-Dec-15 22:04:17


Emmmder2015 Sun 27-Dec-15 22:06:18

Someone (wise) once told me that just because someone's been through worse, your "bad thing" isn't invalidated. It could have been different, but it was already bad enough.

However you feel, if it changes or doesn't, if it's many things together or even nothing, is right, because there is no wrong way to feel.

I'm so sorry he did this to you. Less than five minutes you say, but rape can sadly last longer than the physical violation. You did well to tell your mum. Is she supportive?

timelytess Sun 27-Dec-15 22:07:12

You were raped.

LeiaSkywalker Sun 27-Dec-15 22:08:21

Cabrinha I hadn't thought about talking to Rape Crisis, again I assumed it was more along the lines of stereotypical man in an alley rape. It's strange, if a friend told me this had happened to them I would be telling them it was rape and to report it but for some reason it seems less serious when it's me.

WONAR that's how I feel, like it's not a real rape. It's only today I've called it a rape, even in my head I wouldn't refer to it as such before. I feel so guilty and I have no idea why sad sorry this happened to you too.

Ughnotagain Sun 27-Dec-15 22:14:12

^ what Emmmder said.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, op. There is no right or wrong way to feel.

In my case, when something happened to me, I know I felt like it wasn't "real rape" because it was nothing like what some people go through. And this was when I volunteered at a Rape Crisis centre, so I knew it was rape, it was just hard to place it properly.

It can be worth looking up your local Rape Crisis. It's completely up to you if you want to talk to anyone, but it can help.

Take care of yourself.

WONAR Sun 27-Dec-15 22:20:05

I'm sorry too Leia, I didn't want to do any hijacking on this thread. What I could have said better is that I have come to acknowledge it (years after the event) and I hope you can learn to do the same. Acknowledging it for what it was, and ending the self-doubt/blame/etc cycle, has brought me a sense of comfort and relief. There is a sort of self-kindness (in my case, perhaps not for everybody though) in allowing yourself that realisation. You did nothing wrong and you have no reason to feel guilty, and I hope you will be able to treat yourself kindly, and come to realise that in the future.

I second Cabrinha's advice, it sounds like you could really benefit from talking to Rape Crisis (if you want to do so).

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf Sun 27-Dec-15 22:22:00

He raped you, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

There is no right or wrong way to feel. Feel however you need to to work through this. And whether that is with someone like Rape Crisis, or personally, please know you are not alone, and that there are - sadly - thousands of women who have been where you are.

Getting to a place where you can call what happened to you 'rape' is a huge step. It took me years. I felt like it wasn't 'proper' rape because I was in a relationship with my first rapist. Those feelings are horrible to deal with, and I really hope you feel like you can talk them through with us here, even just a little bit.

LeiaSkywalker Sun 27-Dec-15 22:43:14

I'm going to ring rape crisis, thank you for the support. I'm so sorry to the people this happened to flowers

It's really hard to get my head around I feel like I don't want to think that it happened to me even though it wasn't my fault

Name7 Sun 27-Dec-15 23:18:26

Leia ((hugs)) I think this is how you've coped with it so far, but you must seek help. Be prepared to feel like you've been hit by a train as all the surpressed feelings come back to the surface. Was your Mum supportive? You need good people around you as you come to terms with this.

LeiaSkywalker Sun 27-Dec-15 23:20:19

My mum was very supportive. She wants me to go to the police to make sure he doesn't do it to anyone else but I don't know if I want the stress sad

I suddenly feel extremely upset and shaky about it. I think I blanked it out

Emmmder2015 Mon 28-Dec-15 14:44:43

That's great that she's supportive.

You're not obliged to go to the police though. You can if you want. Whether he does this to other women is not down to you: you are not responsible for what he does, he is.

If you want to report, do, but if you don't, you have nothing to feel guilty for either.

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