Row with dh - so out of character and I feel so confused

[Evabeaversprotege]

I was going to name change but I don't post very often anyway.

This will be long as I don't want to miss out any details that may be relevant.

Dh and I have been together nearly 19 years, married over 17 years. We've two children(14 &11) and lead a generally happy, easygoing life.

For about a month he has been on shifts at work meaning he is starting late at night (11pm) and ending very early morning (4/5am). He sleeps all day but wakes up to pick ds up from school.

The week leading up to Christmas was difficult as it was so busy and we'd stuff on all week so hardly saw each other. This led to an 'atmosphere' between us which wasn't anyone's fault really, it just happened.

Anyway, we talked about it and were OK again - our usual selves, until yesterday.

My family were here for dinner & when they went home he said they weren't coming next year as I'd been anxious all day (it's true but its the guilt thing makes me invite them)

He seemed angry anyway and then dd announced she wanted to be vegan. She had been veggie for about six weeks earlier in the year and didn't eat right, despite us ensuring she had vitamins, nuts, seeds etc.. but following an unrelated hospital visit she was told she was anaemic. She decided to eat meat again. (I let her make her own decisions)

Anyway, this is so odd, dh started shouting that she wasn't starting this nonsense again, told me to tell her she wasn't doing it again. I said I was staying out of it (thinking if it went the same as the veggie way it would sort itself out)

I went to bed & he must've had more whiskey (he had a few earlier on but wasn't drunk) he came to bed and started on about me not backing him up, how we should show a united front. I don't know why this happened, it didn't seem like a big deal to me, but he went mad. Said we all treated him badly, expected him to look after us and cook all meals and he wasn't pandering.

Then he got out of bed, started to get dressed and said he was going to kill himself. I just don't know where it all came from. I tried to calm him down, he was shouting and shouting all these crazy things that is so so unlike him.

I lifted my phone and said I was going to call the police as he was frightening me. He said he'd never hurt me, but took my phone off me.

I finally calmed him down, I was shaking and felt like being sick. He cried all night.

I swear, I have never ever seen him like this. Ever. It was not my dh. I don't know if it was the alcohol, the fact my family had made me feel anxious, dd announcing the vegan idea.... I can't work it out.

He apologised today, a genuine apology, he loves me, he loves the children, neither of us can explain what the hell happened.

A little bit of my heart is broken. I'm not going to LTB over a row - especially one where he just seemed possessed.

Any advice on how I can stop thinking about him threatening to kill himself? He said we treated him badly, I want to bring this up with him in a calm, rational way - can anyone advise me?

Thanks in advance, all advice welcome, well done on getting this far.

[Colabottle10]

Sounds like he's been building it all up inside and blew his lid like a pressure cooker.

Any other behaviour changes in the lead up to this? It sounds like he feels guilty about something.

[PennyHasNoSurname]

Well clearly something is getting on top of him. Whether he is overworked, ill, trying to hide something I dont know.

But I think he ought to book an appointment with his GP to have a talk with someone who may be able to get him some support.

Last time I knew of a man who acted incredibly similarly to this it was due to the fact that he was hiding a very big secret about himself. It all came out in the end, but he was NOT a nice man during the last six months of it all.

[cestlavielife]

He needs to go to gp ideally with you and you can say what happened

You need to speak to gp separately and say what happened so it is on record .

He can ask for nhs counselling
He could be suffering from shift working /fatigue

He may have developed depression /anxiety

Do you yourself actually suffer anxiety ? Or do you manage it when you feel anxious ?

[Evabeaversprotege]

I asked him today when we were talking if there was anything he wanted to tell me, drugs, another woman, money worries?

He said no to drugs & no to another woman (and I do believe him) he said there's always money worries but we're not in debt - he said he was saying all these things & the thing annoyed him most was that I kept telling him I wasn't listening to him, like he wasn't allowed an opinion.

I was saying "I'm not listening, I'll talk to you tomorrow but I refuse to discuss this now" as he has been drinking and was shouting. He said he felt I was telling him he wasn't entitled to an opinion.

I should've said (hope not drip feeding) we're waiting dd being assessed for ASD & dh feels I "bend over bsckwards" to please her. But the vegan thing wasn't something I even give a second thought to but seemed to pull a trigger for him.

[cestlavielife]

It would not be rational to kill himself because he is not happy how he is being treated. Rational would be to ask to discuss it.... So something is wrong...

[Evabeaversprotege]

Cest - my anxiety manifested itself yesterday by me wanting everything to be "perfect"

The fire lit, dinner on table, us all dressed and the house cleaned (hoovered, polished, bathroom done out) and the dog put outside.

Dh says it's the dogs house (my parents don't like pets. I know it's the dog's house, but my point was they couldn't disapprove if she wasn't in the house)
He said I should've been relaxing as I'm back to work tomorrow, not cleaning and shouting at the childten to put their new stuff away.

It was a difficult morning, but once they went home I was more relaxed and then this row blew up (to me out of nowhere) but now I've written this down I can see how it built up all day yesterday.

We honestly never have arguments like this.

Thanks for all the advice. It's appreciated.

[lorelei9]

hi OP
I apologise if this seems an off the wall suggestion

but as someone who suffers with appalling SAD, I am wondering how much daylight he is getting. If he wakes up to collect the children, it seems quite possible that he is only getting about 2 hours of daylight?

I have been on my knees with SAD, completely lacking in any working brain, crying my eyes out etc in the past. If this is the first time he's done any shift work, I wonder if this is related. If I went from regular daytime work to the shift pattern you describe, I would completely lose it.

the other thing is, much as you feel he might have something to tell you - he might be feeling diabolically awful about nothing in particular, therefore seeing a GP would be a good idea.

I hope you find a solution

[Evabeaversprotege]

Thank you Lorelei - I'll look into that.

He has been working shifts on and off for eight years now but usually night shifts are a week at a time - the last stint, including overtime was four weeks in total - ending on Christmas eve morning.

I doubt if dh (a country man who farms part time) will agree to see a doctor but I'll certainly broach it with him.

[Haggisfish]

Whiskey makes me aggressive and irrational, and many others. How much does he drink and how often?

[Evabeaversprotege]

Usually a few tins of coors light on a Saturday night.

His dad bought him a bottle of whiskey for Christmas. He would drink a few of them sometimes. Not weekly or anything, but on a night out he'd end with a couple.

[Haggisfish]

I would see if these episodes coincide with the whiskey. Honestly, I am vile and like a different person if I drink it. I don't drink it all now, obviously!

[lorelei9]

Eva, Monty Don suffers with raging SAD too if that helps! I can see how that shift pattern would finish someone off.

If you mention it, couch in logical terms. Our brains use something like 70% of available light for brain function (rather than for actually "seeing"). So if there's no light feeding the brain, how is it going to function? Yes, other people seem fine but human beings are ultimately just a bunch of chemicals and we've not solved the mystery of us having different ones yet.