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Fight for him or forget him?

(17 Posts)
fartinmywhitbread Sun 27-Dec-15 19:30:13

Where do you all think a person should stand on when you choose to fight for someone or forget them?

I believe this person is a truly good person, that genuinely cares about me and I think we would be / could be very happy together and wish we were together to be honest BUT, we messed up quite madly at out attempt at a relationship and I am not sure if it's best to draw a line in the sand and make that person part of your past - or if you feel like there is really something there - if you should fight for someone you think you might love?

Both of us have baggage. Both of us were badly hurt in the past and are very cautious and defensive.

It took us forever to get together because I was very scared of getting into a relationship and he fought for me for a very long time, quite patiently. When were in the relationship, I was very erratic. To be honest I liked him a LOT and felt very vulnerable. I kept pushing him away over and over again and over the couple of months we were dating and at the same time he was also quite guarded and definitely we distanced ourselves from each other. I think I just pushed him one too many times and he figured it wasn't going to work. He then ended up getting attention elsewhere and when I broke it off after a silly fight over nothing, he just went straight into bed with her.

So I am trying to be honest in saying we both messed it up. Him by doing the very thing I was afraid of (talking to another girl and ending up with her, not being honest) and also he was quite emotionally guarded - Me by basically just constantly pushing him away and being hot and cold on him. Both of us were scared.

He's apologised, genuinely misses me, I genuinely miss him, I have apologused too. We have had a couple of months apart. He wants to see me.

I have no idea what to really think. Does my hot and cold behavior excuse the fact that he was talking to someone else? I ave o perspective on this situation and am not sure whether or not to walk away or really go for it.

The truth is, I was in love with him and nevr told him. Acted like I didn't like him and basically did everything to sabotage something good, but I think he also did the same.

Is it worth putting myself out there for the risk, or is it better to walk away?

honeyroar Sun 27-Dec-15 19:37:58

If you feel like you could go on a few dates with an open mind and a clean slate then I would try again. If you think that you still have defences up and are just likely to repeat what happened before then perhaps no. If you both honestly think that there is something there and you're both prepared to really try this time it may be worth another go. Only you two can really know that..

Goingtobeawesome Sun 27-Dec-15 19:39:29

Don't be left with if only. Give it another go but be careful not to rush things or stop communicating should the same issues arise again.

Russellgroupserf Sun 27-Dec-15 19:40:33

I think a relationship shouldn't have to take up so much headspace.

wintersocks Sun 27-Dec-15 19:55:01

I agree with russell all this angst, barriers up etc doesn't bode well. Perhaps you don't bring out the best in one another. It might be worse now if you were feeling insecure anyway and now he has slept with someone in between? But then again what ifs aren't great like goingto says. Only you can weigh that up really

Trills Sun 27-Dec-15 19:55:25

If you are both willing to give it a go, then give it a go.

If one of you is having to fight to persuade the other, it's unlikely that it will work.

fartinmywhitbread Sun 27-Dec-15 20:10:37

I'd categorise my intimacy problems / baggage as being quite short term and getting better. I'd say he met me at a bad time, when I had been deeply hurt by someone and felt like no man could be trusted. It's not something that wil be with me forever or is part of who I am.

I'd characterise his intimacy problems as being much more severe and taking place at core level. I'd say his hurt runs far deeper and he has a core belief that all love ends in pain.

So when i said "fight or forget him?" I did mean to some degree I will need to fight to be with this person. That does not mean convincing him to stay with me- I mean - he wants to be with me.

But it means being with someone who is not going to give me a lot of reassurance and to some degree I am going to have to be the patient one, the supporter, the nurturer here. I do think there is the most special and loving heart inside him, but I think he is fairly terrified of trusting in that concept and I obviously made that worse by reecting him over and over and over.

We have all the ingredients between two people to be happy. And I have to say we both agree that when we are together we are completely happy, and when we are going to see each other our palms are sweaty with excitement - but during those times apart I will have to learn to be gently supportive and show him I love him even when he's not giving much back. This is going to be what it takes.

So there are two schools of thought here. Which are:

1. Run, don't walk, from someone who is not healed / free of baggage and find someone more confident and ready.

2. Fight to be there because he is worth it.

I can't decide between the two, because the first one would be what I always would have done before -but I think I love this man. So it's tough.

I would have to take it slowly, give us a clean slate and completely just let him move at his own gentle pace -and with him that involves periods ofdays whre he retreats and then comes back.

Lweji Sun 27-Dec-15 20:15:27

It's often said we should trust our instincts.
It could actually be that you unconsiously realised this was not a safe person to be with. Despite his protestations.
I'd let it go and move on.

lavenderhoney Sun 27-Dec-15 20:16:59

Do you think he might change then, or will you always be the one making allowances?

You fall in love with someone as they are, not who you or they say they might become, as a person. Seems a bit high risk to me, and if his default mode is to have someone else in the background just in case, it's a bit of a non starter.

cuntycowfacemonkey Sun 27-Dec-15 20:17:41

Sorry but it all sounds like far to much hard work for a relationship that hasn't even got off the ground yet.

It's not your job to cure him of his baggage/emotional issues he needs to figure that out for himself. Sounds like you are setting yourself up to be his rescuer and the woman that saves him and probably at the expense of your own happiness.

wintersocks Sun 27-Dec-15 20:19:38

I would say 1. and put yourself first. I've been with two blokes like this, where I had to see beyond the surface to their hidden depths so to speak, the first was my exh who well and truly shafted me, cheating and leaving without a backward glance, and the second was fairly useless and had a roving eye too. I got back with the second one, just like you're considering; I don't necessarily regret it but only because it finally made me see what I was doing by putting these men's needs before my own, which was a very unhealthy pattern learned from childhood. They weren't prepared to give the same level of shit about me and the relationship wasn't reciprocal. I've dated other men where I don't have to dig deep to see the good/kind/caring side and where they can meet my needs and that's the type of man I want now.

OTheHugeManatee Sun 27-Dec-15 20:23:17

I think if it's been dramaz so far and the teason for the dramaz was just your respective personal mindsets/issues and the dynamic between you, it will probably always be dramaz. I say cut your losses but I doubt you will do thar smile

fartinmywhitbread Sun 27-Dec-15 20:28:13

I don't want to save anyone or be their rescuer. But at the same time I have been with men who had no baggage, no issues and no fucking heart - so I am not entirely sure that someone having issues means hey would be a bad partner. I know that's not true in my case. I'm a good, loving person who wuld just need a bit of encouragement.

It does depend on how he chooses to play it. Do you think I should talk to him about this? i mean, I was going to suggest he got therapy which sounds like a terrible thing to say to a new boyfriend but I think he does need it.

OTheHugeManatee Sun 27-Dec-15 20:37:32

It's not about having issues per se but about how your issues (aka personality) interact with someone else's. There's no such thing as a person with no issues, but some combinations of personalities can be very compelling in a relationship but still ultimately not viable as a happy relationship, only as a fretful, fractious one.

cuntycowfacemonkey Sun 27-Dec-15 20:46:46

I think you are going to pursue this anyway so good luck to you but sadly I think you are setting yourself up for a long, drawn out relationship that is based on working on his baggage and moving from one emotional drama to the next.

I think you have romanticised the situation and I doubt anything anyone here says will change your mind about that.

Clutterbugsmum Sun 27-Dec-15 21:47:23

From what you have written I don't think either of you are in a position to have a relationship.

You both need you work on your issues and to heal yourselves before you end up hurting each other again and again.

Itscliffmas Sun 27-Dec-15 22:38:04

I can relate to this. I think that you need to walk away, I don't think this relationship will be good for your emotional health.
 
In one post you say that you need some encouragement and in another that he won't give you much reassurance, this wouldn't work for me. 

I think walk away and deal with your own issues before entering into another relationship. 

It is shit and you may sometimes wonder "what if" but try not to dwell on it and deal with your stuff instead. 
A friend told me to make a pros and cons list which I laughed at at the time and it really helped, I realised some of the nice things he did weren't actually all that great and were overshadowed by some of the shitty things he did and the way his behaviour often made me feel. 

Leave him in 2015 and start a clean slate in 2016

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