Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Fight or walk away

(85 Posts)
Lostmyemailaddress Sun 27-Dec-15 03:08:23

I've been with my partner for 3 and a half years we both have dcs from previous relationships our oldest together is 2 and our youngest is 7 months old. We have been trying to find a house to live together for 2 and a half years but due to rental prices in the area we are looking we first struggled to save for rent in advance and a deposit and currently having trouble finding a house that will accept the small amount of housing benefit we'd receive. It is a long distance relationship for now as he is staying with family in the area we are looking so he can do the house viewings. The move benefits everyone as it makes him closer to visit his dcs and there is more support for 1 of my dcs who has dcs.

My partner hasn't always been completely honest with me as I didn't find out about his dcs until earlier this year and I was pregnant with our second child. I tried to be understanding of his reasons and we have tried to work through this but even now at times I still feel I'm still only just coming to terms with it all. He moved in with family members when we had been together 6 months and the plan at the time was he'd help me find a house and after 18 months of me and my dcs being there we would see where we where in terms of out relationship and moving in together. Not long after that I found out I was pregnant by him the first time he didn't react well at first but we got past that and at first he seemed to adore our daughter.

Not long after she was born his visits to us got less and less and we would argue over fact we could go 6 weeks without seeing each other and if he was with family he wouldn't answer the phone if I rang. Things would improve for a little while then visits would become infrequent again and the excuse was always due to work. Things all came to a head last Christmas I wasn't well and he had promised to be with us for Christmas but a couple of weeks before he announced he had to work. It caused a big argument as he had promised me he had booked time off he replied with his boss had cancelled it as he had decided to go on holiday. I told him I was sick of us always being let down and told him it was over and as I was pregnant with our second child that I wouldn't stop him seeing the children but he would have to start having regular contact and would have to start helping financially with his children. He promised he would be here for boxing day and asked for a second chance I replied if he turned up I would be willing to try and work things out with him but I told him I felt things were really off and that I was suspecting he was seeing someone else which he denied. He did turn up on boxing day and I followed through with my promise and tried to work things out.

Just after our daughters second birthday I still couldn't get past the feeling something was amiss and I did start questioning things and asking if there was someone else as visits yet again were irregular which he blamed on work and the fact he was hard to contact at times which he passed off that he was a private person and didn't want others hearing our conversations. It all blew up and I ended things again as I couldn't shake the feelings off when he suddenly messaged and told me he was sending me an email to explain things he did and in it he explained about his dcs and why he hadn't said anything about them. We spent some weeks discussing what to do and trying to see if we could work things out and as I said above I have tried to move on from this.

When our son was born I was given the choice of my partner coming on the day for a few hours or waiting till he had had his 4 yr old dc a few days later and spending a week with us I felt the second option was best as it caused less trouble for him with his ex who had been mad when she had found out about me and our dcs as it would take time away from their dcs. It never did he had more contact with their dcs then he did with us we saw him once every 3 weeks and the weeks he wasn't with us he had his dc and his family's house for 3 days each week.

We have had a lot of arguments about him spending equal time between all his dc as it got to the stage we hardly saw him ano when we did he didn't engage with the dcs much. I got told I was unreasonable and was trying to make him choose and make things difficult with his ex which I really wasn't I just wanted all the dcs to bring treat equally. His dB got married earlier this year and he took his other dcs but ours where not invited apparently he family refuse to meet us until we move. I sent them Christmas cards this year but they weren't acknowledged at all.

After I found out about his dc I asked questions about them to find out what they were like and my partner even sent me pictures and I've spoken to them over the phone a few times on their request I also helped to get birthday and Christmas gifts for them. One big issue I have at the minute is as soon as his ex messages for him to have their dc he jumps to it even if it means it's on the time we are supposed to have with him and we get rearranged. Only once since our youngest has been born has he said no he couldn't and this happened on our weeks quite a lot.

His contact with us had slowly increased we now see him for 2 days every other week the other week he sees his other dcs. He had promised that this Christmas he would be here with us luckily it fell on our week. The week before Christmas he took a day off as he needed a break from his 4 day a week delivery job. I pointed out if he had done it Christmas week we could have had a day extra he replied with I'll see what I can do. No more was said even when I asked at the start of the week. He turned up on the early hours of Christmas eve which was all good we had him for Christmas day he said he was leaving on boxing day as he was working day after. Christmas day came and as he said after the move Christmases would be spent one out of every two with his parents who only did gifts at 5 pm we agreed that we would do that this year and Christmas morning all the dcs would have their stocking until later on. We explained to dcs we were doing this and all the older ones agreed to it it also meant Christmas dinner was a lot more relaxed as it seemed to give the dcs something else to look forward to. When it came to time to handing out the presents in the middle of it all as they were just starting open them up he announced he was going to facetime his ex to see his other dc. I didn't say anything at them time as he was half way upstairs as he said it but I was hurt and fuming as it felt yet again his ex wants came before us. I pulled him up when he came back downstairs in the kitchen as the kids were playing with their new toys I was told I was being horrible and unreasonable and trying to stop contact with his other dcs, this hurt me so much as the week before he made a dig that his other dc were missing out this year even though he had the dc last year and that was reason he let us down. At this point he stormed upstairs saying he was leaving I then received a text saying to pack his stuff downstairs as he wouldn't be coming back. At this point I saw red and went up and told him he was horrible and he had ruined it all cause he couldn't tell his ex that he would ring 15 mins laterror then she wanted and that I was sick of it . He then got upset and said it wasn't him it was his ex and that he felt bad and that he was sorry. I didn't want to spoil things for the dcs so I said ok he then said he had arranged to pick up his dm on boxing day at his dbs even though he said there was a chance he would not be working on the Sunday and if he.wasn't he would be spending an extra night with us he also then said he was having his other dc a day early next week for over new year.

Boxing day came and because he was up once in the night with our youngest he spent all morning in bed. He then undermined me in front of my oldest dc which them my oldest ignore me more and couldn't see why I wasn't happy. I pointed out that I wouldn't undermine him in front of the dc and if I didn't agree with something I would speak to him afterwards out of the dcs way. Things seemed to go a bit better until I got a message as he was on his way home at 7pm saying he now has Sunday off. I will admit at this point I was a tipping point and probably unreasonable but messaged that it was convenient that he suddenly had a day off at a time when he wasn't here anymore an argument followed I've spilled out everything that I'm feeling and have been for a while some are things I've said in past.

That I'm tired of his ex always coming first and that her feelings and wants constantly come before mine and how he doesn't treat our dc like his others and that I'm tired of fighting to get him to spend extra time with us and the excuse is always it's not fair on his other dcs but that it doesn't bother him when he gets extra time with the other dc.
He told me he thought we needed some space and fir first time I didn't back down I told him to take all time he needed as I was tired of fighting and being made to fee that me and our dcs come second all the time.

We exchanged angry messages as I won't argue in front of the kids and he stated I'm pushing him away and I'm never happy and that I always want more. I pointed out that he supposed to be in a relationship with me and not his ex and that he couldn't keep being more concerned with upsetting her knowing full well that constantly running when she wanted him to have their dc at our expense was hurting me and the family we have here including my dc who think world of him. All through this he was telling me I was being stupid and that I had ruined Christmas for him.

When he got home and my dcs where in bed he rang and started to say it was my fault I ruined Christmas and I was pushing him away so I aging went mad and pointed out that recently every time I tried to flirt with him he just didn't bother and hardly came near me any more I told him again I was tired of fighting to have him spend time with us and there was always excuses yet when his ex wanted him to have their dc he didn't have a problem with that only when it came to us he said again it wasn't the case became upset told me he was sorry and would try harder then asked if we could move on from this.

I don't know if we can I'm tired of it being like this I'm tired of feeling like I have to fight for things all the time. Is there a way forward from this or should I walk away. I do love him and we do plan on living together as soon as we can find a house and eventually get married. I'm not sure if this is the normal stresses of a long distance relationship I'm just so confused we have worked out other issues we have had but this one just seems to come back time and time again.

I'm sorry for this essay I'm just trying to get things straight in my head

Aussiebean Sun 27-Dec-15 03:46:46

What are you fighting for exactly? At no point in this relationship has he put you first. Ever.

So if you fight for it, you will be fighting for more of the same.

Is that what you want? For you and your dcs?

Lostmyemailaddress Sun 27-Dec-15 04:02:16

I guess fighting for the relationship and to try and make him see that he can't keep pushing us to the side when she decides she wants him to have their dc more. I don't expect him to rearrange his time with them but it would be nice for him to take a day or two off once in a while like he has done to spend more time with his other dc.

I'm not scared of being on my home I was a single mum before I met him it was hard but I managed I guess I'm worried he'll do what my other dcs dad did and just leave and have no contact with the dc. With way things are and how he is happy to constantly rearrange our time scared he will do it to our dc.

newname99 Sun 27-Dec-15 05:32:49

You can't make him "stop pushing you aside". Has he actually separated from his ex? He has both of you competing for him but he will never change and this will be your life.

How old are your other children? From the outset his plan was to be a part time partner & now he's a part time dad as well.I think you need to stop settling for so little. Its not a positive example of relationships for your children.

He's a player who is able to treat the women in his life badly but is then able to "charm" (actually its manipulation) you back onside.Why are you settling for so little? What was your life like growing up? You seem to be allowing this man to treat you and your children badly just so he stays around.A bad relationship is worse that none at all.
Get strong and raise your children without this waste of space.If he wants to be an active dad he will,nothing you say or do can make him.Don't try to "win him back by flirting", as he has no respect for you.

Make 2016 the year where you show your children that you can be a single mum and happy without man.Can you access any counselling as you may need support to help you remain strong.

RedMapleLeaf Sun 27-Dec-15 07:20:02

Oh my goodness. I don't think you can "fight for your relationship" because you've never actually had one with this man. Despite that, it seems you've constantly been fighting and struggling.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 27-Dec-15 07:37:04

It sounds exhausting - and he sound like such a prize - NOT

I think you'd have a much calmer, more settled life with your children without this loser constantly in and out of your lives and changing plans, I'm afraid I'd be making plans to see less of him, not more

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sun 27-Dec-15 07:42:05

Wow, you chose a real prince among men, didn't you?

This man isn't your 'partner' in any sense of the word.

He is someone you became pregnant by very quickly, who has lied to you, who hasn't supported you, and who you are demeaning yourself with.

Get angry, get rid and have an awesome 2016!

PitPatKitKat Sun 27-Dec-15 07:47:28

I'm so so sorry you are in this situation. But don't walk away, run.

I think you are getting too caught up in the detail. See the big picture. He probably uses you and your DC as an excuse with his ex too. He's playing both ends off against each other, giving you both of you a really hard time and a lot of struggle. With a lot of deception, manipulation and hurt thrown in.

He's at the centre of all this, he's causing all this pain and hurt, don't get caught up in blaming his ex or fighting for his attention/time. It's only feed his narcisstic ego all the more.

I wouldn't be surprised if he is still "closer" to her than he lets on, or at least if that was the case at the beginning of your relationship. At some point, he will try and drag another woman in for a third family, if he hasn't already.

If he does go NC with DCs, well, is he is a decent dad? Doesn't really sound like it. And if he does go NC, that's on him, not on you. If he doesn't care enough to keep them in his ife, then he is no loss. At least they aren't going to get caught up in that narcissistic, deceptive, manipulative maelstorm.

Anomaly Sun 27-Dec-15 07:52:11

Its a bit late to be worrying about what kind of dad he'll be if you separate. He's not a good partner and you need to forget any kind of relationship with him. To me it seems for a long time you were the OW and he never cared that much even then.

Start planning a life for you and the kids alone. Arange for him to have contact (not at your place) and start claiming maintenance.

You also need to consider why you accepted such poor treatment from a partner and don't start dating again until you've addressed your issues.

ToddlerTantrums Sun 27-Dec-15 07:56:32

Is he actually 100% separated?
His family refuse to meet you, who has 2 children to him until you move closer. Do they definitely know that you exist? Have you spoken to them ever?

I may be way off the mark but to me this sounds like you are an unknowing bit on the side. He didn't even tell you he had DCs until you were pregnant with your second child?
You say you spoke to his DCs on the phone. What did he introduce you as? His friend/girlfriend?
You deserve better than this. Drop him and run.
Also if he has been living with family for so long why is he unable to save for a deposit?

Cantwaittillboxingday Sun 27-Dec-15 08:01:47

Omg he's leading a double life.

What a mess.

Duckdeamon Sun 27-Dec-15 08:12:08

Why have you put up with this dickhead and had two DC with him?

He doesn't even financially support his DC!

LTB.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 27-Dec-15 08:13:26

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Sounds like you are mired in the "sunken costs fallacy" when it comes to this non relationship; all this "fighting for the relationship" indeed nonsense. You've certainly emotionally overinvested and see the last 3.5 years as an emotional investment. Is this what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up?. What did your parents teach you about relationships?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what do you think they are learning here?.

Is this really what you want to show your children about relationships, that your abuse at the hands of this man is acceptable to you. This is what you are showing your children currently.

Run, not just walk away. You and he need to be apart as of now; this is really a car crash of a relationship.

Jibberjabberjooo Sun 27-Dec-15 08:16:17

You don't have a relationship to fight for. I bet he's still with his ex and you're just his bit on the side who happened to have got pregnant.

In no way is this a normal healthy relationship. Stop settling for second best. Move on, he is not going to be with you and give you what you want. He is clearly leading a double life. You and your children deserve better.

wannabestressfree Sun 27-Dec-15 08:17:50

You would be far better off without him....please don't move in with him.

Penfold007 Sun 27-Dec-15 08:21:53

Your not his partner your the OW. You got pregnant a few weeks after meeting him and have recently had a second child with this man. He doesn't live with you or support you or his children in any way.
Pull together every shred of your self respect and concentrate on your children. Start a CSM claim and move on.

BertrandRussell Sun 27-Dec-15 08:25:11

He's not separated from his children's mother.

You really must run. As fast as you can.

Cabrinha Sun 27-Dec-15 08:28:08

You don't have to warn her not to move in with him, he clearly has no intention of moving in with her.

He works in a delivery job 4 days a week. If he wanted to get the money together to rent a place, he'd work 5 days for a bit, lazy arsehole.

OP, if he actually paid you child support (because he really isn't your boyfriend) then you could afford your rent anyway hmm

Why on earth have a second baby with a man who doesn't even want to live with you?

I guarantee he's sleeping with you both, and the reason he prioritises her sometimes is that's when she shouts loudest. The Xmas he was supposed to be with you, he'll have previously lied and said he'd be with her - just this time you shouted loudest.

You realise his ex could post a similar thread?

Fucking hell, HOW do these useless pieces of no good shit get any women, let alone two?!!!

DoreenLethal Sun 27-Dec-15 08:34:02

Yeah - what they all said.

Run away as fast as you can.

Chopz Sun 27-Dec-15 08:42:04

He's still with his wife.

Creampastry Sun 27-Dec-15 08:52:47

Stay away from him, he's clearly a selfish twat. Stay put and leave him. He brings nothing to your family.

Jibberjabberjooo Sun 27-Dec-15 09:44:16

Do you not think you deserve someone who is 100% committed to the relationship? Who doesn't float in and out as it suits.

icandothis64 Sun 27-Dec-15 09:54:58

Reading your story Lost, and I can see other PP think the same, this man is not separated. Or if he is. That has not always been the case. No man hides his kids for all that time. He did so as he was still a family with their mother. Clearly that relationship sounds very like your own. Please don't move in together. That's a step you take with a man who's you adore and that love and respect is reciprocated. That is clearly not the case here.
In the eyes of his ex (if that is what she is), you are the OW.
You are clearly a strong woman. Bows the time to draw on that strength and demonstrate to your kids, esp. DDs of what is acceptable in a relationship and what isn't.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sun 27-Dec-15 10:14:27

Fucking hell, HOW do these useless pieces of no good shit get any women, let alone two?!!!

I have absolutely no idea.

Goodbetterbest Sun 27-Dec-15 10:24:21

Wow. He really is a prize thundercunt.

I can't think of anything to say without stating what is blatantly obvious.

He is throwing you scraps and you think that's worth your life? Nope, not in a million years. You're doing just fine without him. He's a shit boyfriend, a shit husband and a shit dad. Run to the fucking hills.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now