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How to tell dv partner its over & where to live

(34 Posts)
Chirstmascake1 Sat 26-Dec-15 22:38:48

For those who have survived this, what is the best way to tell them its over?

Also, am thinking of moving somewhere else - not too far, but maybe closer to work or family (still close enough for easy dc contact) - I feel like i psychologically need a new start. Has anyone does this? I feel like I want to live somewhere quiet.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sat 26-Dec-15 22:43:29

I left first, then told him I'd gone. This was advised as its most dangerous time in a DV relationship

Chirstmascake1 Sat 26-Dec-15 22:54:01

and how are things now mumontherun?

BertieBotts Sat 26-Dec-15 23:01:47

I had to leave too rather than talking about it because every time I tried to talk about it, he'd either cry or get really angry, neither of which I had any answers for. He's pull the conversation around in circles until it came back to the start and I'd get nowhere.

Six years on I have no contact with him at all. He doesn't see DS, hasn't for five years. His choice. Leaving was the best thing I ever did. I wouldn't have stopped DS seeing him if he wanted to see him, and still wouldn't.

Namechanger2015 Sat 26-Dec-15 23:04:18

Do NOT tell him you are going. Move very close to family (rather than work) if your family are supportive and lovely.

I did it in Jan of this year. I've been away nearly a year.

Very up and down emotionally but definitely the best thing I ever did.

smoothcream Sat 26-Dec-15 23:05:01

I did the same, left with a few bags and let him figure it out for himself. Far easier than having to deal with whatever his reaction might be, and I certainly didn't feel I owed it to him to tell him face to face. I have not seen him since (ten years ago now), so contact has never been an issue.

I chose to move back to the city where I'd lived on my own previously as I had some friends in that area. If you have dc I'd recommend being close to family in preference to work. Having family nearby was invaluable when dd started school as commercial childcare options are often inflexible.

ToddlerTantrums Sat 26-Dec-15 23:05:14

Not physical violence here but I left 'for a holiday' with my important documents and informed him a week later I wasn't going back.
If it's physical or at risk of becoming physical you need to plan properly, make sure you have everything important out the house and do not be alone when you tell him.

Namechanger2015 Sat 26-Dec-15 23:07:34

I moved when h was abroad for work - I took absolutely everything I owned/needed and assumed I would be never coming back to the house. It felt like a very OTT thing to do but it was the best thing ever. I didn't need to go back to pick up random bits.

In the rush to leave and take stuff for my 3 DC, I did forget all about my v v expensive jewellery (wedding presents, worth £1000s).

Abusive ex has of course kept this and won't return it despite the huge sentimental value to me.

Don't tell him you are going but if you have kids let a social worker or health visitor or someone know so they can emotionally support you.

Namechanger2015 Sat 26-Dec-15 23:09:39

Please post lots on here for advice along the way and don't stop until you are safely out.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sat 26-Dec-15 23:11:29

It's 12 years on now and life's great

I moved to a hostel and text him, he then bombarded me with calls and told me he was going to kill himself. I was advised to turn my phone off and not contact him. I should've listened to that. Eventually he got the message and he moved on.... To a single mum with DC. I contacted her and warned her. He abusedthem. He moved on to next one. I contacted her and told her. He abused her and her DC. The one he's with now was warned by SS. Eventually she had her DC removed and they are 'happy!' Just the 2 of them now hmm

My DC have phone contact. That's all

Chirstmascake1 Sat 26-Dec-15 23:11:51

ah thank you smile are they still abusive after? im hoping mine will find some new girlfriend asap!

Chirstmascake1 Sat 26-Dec-15 23:13:22

mine does not text/ call bombardment if i dont reply. very odd. should have been an early warning sign in the beginning - to think i thought it was sweet ! ha!

Chirstmascake1 Sat 26-Dec-15 23:13:39

* does text and call bombardment

Namechanger2015 Sat 26-Dec-15 23:16:16

Mine became more absuvir but also became suddenly a lovely wonderful caring man. I nearly fell for it and thought I had made a huge mistake in leaving him.

Please don't fall for it if he suddenly sees the light and promises to be a better man. It won't last, but if you believe it he can suck you right back in again.

Chirstmascake1 Sat 26-Dec-15 23:20:41

yes, he is very charming. this is why i fell for him in the first place. i think i see through all his bs now though. too many bad memories.

BertieBotts Sat 26-Dec-15 23:33:49

Yes typically they continue to abuse, manipulate and try to exert control. This is after the miraculous transformation to everything you ever wanted (it's never, ever true - and even if it was, why didn't they do it when you were actually there, if they meant it?) has failed. But by being away and having your own space (you don't even have to tell him the address if you don't want to) you get breathing space from it, you can recover from it, it just doesn't have the same reach.

And yep mine had a new gf within 2 weeks. She broke up with him after 4 weeks. Then he got a new one and got her pregnant pretty much straight away and decided they would be happily ever after confused She was just as fucked up as he was. It was a disaster.

Chirstmascake1 Sat 26-Dec-15 23:34:28

how do you decide where to live? has anyone moved to a small village for example or a town? or just priority to live as close to family support as possible? im tempted to move halfway between work and family 20 mins each way and i wouldnt know anyone. at the moment im 40 minutes between the two and cant justify it, as expensive area. will mean changing childcare. so much to factor in !

Namechanger2015 Sat 26-Dec-15 23:36:23

Do you have children OP? If so they will unfortunately be manipulated by him too, it's a horrible, twisted game they play to exert their control over you via the children.

Chirstmascake1 Sat 26-Dec-15 23:38:22

yes one, 9 months. worried about this. his parents are sensible nice people at least.

Namechanger2015 Sat 26-Dec-15 23:38:48

I moved in with my parents as we couldn't afford anything else. I have massive family network living nearby and they are a godsend.

I have childcare support and emotional support for us all, I would definitely suggest living closer to family. Even though you are decisive about ending the relationship it is still hard going and you will have wobbles. Family will help you to get through this if they are generally a supportive and loving bunch.

Chirstmascake1 Sat 26-Dec-15 23:59:02

what can you do about risk to dc?

is life better now for those who are free of the relationship??

BertieBotts Sun 27-Dec-15 00:30:28

At 9 months you should be OK as he can't really do any kind of mind gamey things with a baby anyway. So control will probably look like - him trying to gain access to your space - e.g. I didn't tell address to XP - met him in neutral location ie a park, when it became winter, he expressed "worry" that I was having to walk to the park with DS in the cold, so offered to pick up closer. I thought this reasonable so met him at the corner of the next street. He'd then watch where I walked from and every week he parked closer and closer until he saw the front door and then he just used to come straight there. That was unsettling. I never actually let him into my house, though, and I think that was symbolically important.

Other things he can do to "control" with a 9mo are that he'll agree to contact and then cancel or change arrangements at the last moment. Just ignore, don't ever schedule anything important that you can't cancel when he's supposed to have contact and don't let him know if it bothers you. He might push for more time quickly. If you don't feel it's fair then don't be hurried. He can build up from frequent shorter visits to longer, less frequent ones.

If you genuinely think he's a danger to the baby then get onto social services and ask for support such as supervised contact.

You could also insist he sees the baby at his parents' house if you think that would work and be sufficient.

XP used to send DS back stinking of smoke and chip fat and with bottles of strong ribena and fruit shoots. He was just one year old so couldn't tell me anything which had happened at Daddy's house and it used to make me anxious/annoyed but actually I wish I'd let all of that go. I used to get on at him about the drinks and it didn't change anything, it just made him annoyed. You have to act supremely unbothered about parenting issues and accept that it's their choice and only step in if something is actually bad enough to warrant stopping contact, which would be abuse or neglect. It's hard to give up that illusion of control, but ultimately when you're living with them although you might have more control over the DC's diet and exposure to things like smoking and adult video games or whatever, they are living with abuse. Even if it isn't directed at them they are experiencing it second hand. By leaving you're providing them with a sanctuary and safe space and an alternative experience of family life which is really beyond measure. Unfortunately, the reality is that a child with an abusive parent is always going to be affected by it (either by the abuse, or by the absence of a parent) but the absolute biggest and most important thing that you can do to mitigate that is to leave, and the earlier you do it, the more impact that will have to lessen the effect of the abusive parent.

BertieBotts Sun 27-Dec-15 00:31:19

Oh, and LOG EVERYTHING. Keep a diary. Every unpleasant interaction, anything which seems odd, anything you notice. You probably won't need it, but it's useful to have a record, if you do.

Chirstmascake1 Sun 27-Dec-15 00:42:03

thats really good advice - thank you. i do have a log that i have been doing on and off. its easy to forget when there is so much that happens on a weekly basis. my hv has been aware for sometime and have had to call police before so hopefully there is some sort of log there too...

just want this time to pass and be along the road in a year or two from now...feels very daunting.

Chirstmascake1 Sun 27-Dec-15 00:50:20

i really appreciate all the advice on here - unless you have been a victim of this, noone really understands what its like sad

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