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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

porn, sex and relationships

104 replies

mypetdragon · 26/12/2015 22:10

Starting my own thread as I didn't want to hijack the other one and would like another perspective please.

I have been with my BF for about 14 months and we have a very loving and happy relationship. We are both in our late 40s and separated/divorced respectively.

My only concern about our relationship is his use of porn and addiction to sex. I'm fairly open minded (happy to talk about everything and will try anything once) but I feel that his use of porn has tainted his idea of what constitutes normal sex. He is unable to ejaculate through intercourse and claims this is due to excessive masturbation. He watches porn almost daily and sees no reason to stop doing this. It has been suggested that he seeks help for his porn addiction to which his reply was 'why should I?'. Certain things that he finds 'normal' are new to me - for example he gets really turned on by me 'gagging' whilst giving a BJ. Am I being naive? If he suggests something I am uncomfortable with I will tell him and he is respectful of this, although he will then follow this up jokingly with 'you'll come round to it eventually'.

Sex is frequent and energetic, for example, when we see each other he literally wants sex the moment I arrive at his house/he arrives at my house. On average we will have sex 3 times in 24 hours, each session lasting about an hour. I thought I had a fairly high sex drive but struggle to match his libido.

I suppose my question is, how normal is this? Am I being naive in thinking this is not normal or am I being naive in thinking that we have a loving relationship with a very healthy sex life?

As a subnote, we message and speak on the phone daily and when we're not shagging we have shared interests and lovely friends although he admits to preferring to spend his time with me rather than socialising.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

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allyjay · 26/12/2015 22:47

I'm sorry op but I'd find this man a real turn off. Struggles to ejaculate through intercourse but is unwilling to do anything about it? What a guy.

Also gets turned by you gagging when giving a bj, and when you say you are uncomfortable with certain things, he says 'you'll come round eventually' ugh!!

I would struggle to respect and be turned on by this man at all.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 26/12/2015 22:51

He is expecting you to fulfill his porn driven sexual fantasies. He gets turned on by you gagging, and follows up your boundary setting by telling you he'll break through them. On top of that he has an addiction and sees no problem with it.

Run far away.

dipthwrong · 27/12/2015 01:09

I used to be addicted to porn, thankfully not any more. (Although have to be constantly mindful) I liked the gagging thing too, but never told someone 'you'll come round eventually'... even in the depths of my depravity.

BartholinsSister · 27/12/2015 01:41

Does it matter that he doesn't ejaculate through intercourse? A lot of people don't climax through PIV. Presumably some other method 'floats his boat'.

LovelyFriend · 27/12/2015 01:58

How do you feel about his porn addiction OP?
Do you want to have sex 3 times in 24 hours every time you see him?
Is the relationship meeting your needs, physically, emotionally, and otherwise?

Whether people confirm here if this behaviour is "normal" or not (I say not) is irrelevant- it's your life that in impacted by this situation so it's how you feel that is important.

schlong · 27/12/2015 07:18

3 hours shagging in 24 hours?! Fuck me op aren't you sore? Aren't you bored? Loving relationship or him just using you to carry out his porn driven fantasies? Suggest conversing on iambic pentameters in Shakespeare's sonnets instead. Porn is so unimaginative and dull. I'd find him a yawnsome cheesy fucker, frankly. Get him gagging on a cucumber to see whether he likes it.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 27/12/2015 07:28

sister men do unless there is a specific reason not to, such as porn use. Nature has designed it that way so that the species can procreate. You are right though that some other method floats his boat - wanking to porn.

dragon I'd have no respect for him. Dump him. Do you not find yourself feeling disgusted by him at other times? Or do you feel reassured and relieved that he isn't like that all the time?

RedMapleLeaf · 27/12/2015 07:30

I was thinking the same as Lovely. Do you find the gagging a turn on? Do you find the frequency and type of sex satisfying?

(The "you'll come around to it eventually" is really, really not ok).

PitPatKitKat · 27/12/2015 07:32

Agree with pp that the "You'll come round to it eventually" is a deal breaker. Run.

mypetdragon · 27/12/2015 11:32

Hi everyone, thank you for your replies. In answer to some of your questions, no I don't get turned on by gagging and yes, schlong I do get a bit sore, especially on the most recent occasion when I felt bruised and told him so. He was mortified that he had caused me pain but the fact remains that he is a sex addict as well as a porn addict and if he can't get his rocks off with me then he will wank to porn and happily tell me about it as he thinks this is normal behaviour. The reason sex takes up to an hour is simply because he takes this long to ejaculate and needs a lot of stimulation (but as schlong suggested, it does get a bit boring).

Lovely in answer to your question, yes I am very fulfilled with all other aspects of our relationship which makes this all the more harder for me. He is warm, funny and attractive and we have many shared interests. I suppose I am concerned that I may not be able to fulfil his desires if he remains this highly sexed and ultimately I acknowledge that since he sees no reason to change his behaviour our relationship may eventually reach it's sell-by date.

OP posts:

summerwinterton · 27/12/2015 11:45

You don't have to accept a porn addict for a bf, especially one who seems to have no respect whatsoever for you or women in general. I would be running as far in the opposite direction as humanly possible. He sounds utterly vile and you deserve way better than this. And I don't think wanting women to gag is normal at all - it sounds abusive to me and potentially dangerous too. He doesn't sound warm or funny in any way shape or form. This is nothing to do with a high sex drive. And trotting out the oh dear poor lamb is addicted is just a platitude tbh

Babycham1979 · 27/12/2015 11:55

Oh god, some predictable MN responses here. It's remarkable how porn and masturbation get the blame for every sexual issue on here (cumming too quickly, not soon enough, too much se, not enough sex etc!)

He MAY be 'addicted' to porn, but that has nothing to do with his sex drive. If your libidos are mis-matched, then that's just the way it is. If he wants sex far more than you, compromise. Most relationships do. Also, on all likelihood, I'm afraid the initial novelty will pass and his frequency will die-down soon enough.

The ejaculation thing is nothing to do with porn and possibly nothing to do with masturbation. Just like plenty of woman can't orgasm from penetration or clitoral stimulation (and plenty can); we're all different. Deal with and work with. Him. And make sure you're getting off too!

The gagging thing does sound a bit schoolboy porn-y. It's hardly grounds to LTB! Tell him you don't like it and that's that.

I have no idea why MN responses have to be so hyperbolic. None of this sounds particularly dysfunctional, or like 'red flags'. It's a new relationship with a new person; obviously you both need to talk and make adjustments and compromises on many things. Sex is no different.

timelytess · 27/12/2015 12:00

A really good idea would be to sack the loser. He's not keen on committing to your relationship, if he won't withhold from wanking so that he ejaculates when he with you. Also he's not bothered that you don't enjoy what you're doing - the gagging, for example.

Three times a day doesn't sound too bad, though.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 27/12/2015 12:05

Three times a day is fine if you're both into that. But it left the OP feeling bruised, so it's a problem.

mypetdragon · 27/12/2015 12:13

Thank you Babycham for your insightful answer, I was just trying to gauge reactions and realise that there would be some typical MN replies on here.

I enjoy sex and have watched porn with him to try and see things from his perspective. Worryingly as we were watching the porn he wanked himself off swiftly which made me realise that the length of time it takes for him to come with me is obviously because I am not the same as watching porn. Funny thing was, I was watching the porn from an objective point of view and commenting things like "She's clearly not enjoying herself, this is male wank fodder, there is no way she would willingly want to do that" etc while he was enjoying himself so much he came very quickly, with the retort "now you can see what gets me off". He truly thinks that female stars are all having a wonderful time and enjoying themselves hugely. I'm not against watching porn but am concerned about the amount he watches and how he thinks he is normal.

OP posts:

BlackCoffeeTime · 27/12/2015 12:15

Google for "your brain rebalanced" and "your brain on porn" for a ton of resources that will help both of you.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 27/12/2015 12:22

He sounds revolting and I can promise you I am no prude, quite the opposite.

schlong · 27/12/2015 12:35

From your subsequent posts he sounds as dull as ditch water and deluded and you sound far more switched on and clever than he is. You'll be more than sore as time goes on. You'll be bored out of your brain.

Seeyounearertime · 27/12/2015 12:40

I agree with everyone but just to add that this bit:
"now you can see what gets me off"
Who the hell does he thinknhe is? Why are you running everything tonhis schedule? Doing things he likes? Watching porn so he can get turned on? Etc etc.
It's all him him and him.
A selfish prick of a man who will be a selfish prick for ever. Is that really what you want from a "partnership" in 5 years? Ten years? Etc?

loveyoutothemoon · 27/12/2015 12:46

I'd be worried and upset if my partner wanted to climax over porn and not me. And what do you think to the fact that every time you see each other the first thing he wants to do is have sex?

AnyFucker · 27/12/2015 12:55

Baby I dread to think what kind of relationship you are in/have had to come on here and minimise what is going on here

you'll come round to it eventually made my heart sink like a stone

op, wh are you doing stuff you don't want to do ?

PitPatKitKat · 27/12/2015 12:58

The "now you can see what gets me off", the "you'll come around to it eventually", your observation that he didn't notice that the female porn stars weren't enjoying what was going on shows you a couple of things. Firstly, he sees sex as being about his pleasure, not a mutual thing. And secondly that he thinks it is ok to get what he wants regardless of the effect on other people.

He wants to "train" you into servicing his wants. You've notice how quickly he comes to porn compared to sex, put that together with his comments and it's obvious he wants to get the acts he sees in porn ("male wank fodder" as you say) from you, whether you like it or not, whether it causes you physical discomfort (gag reflex) or not. Slippery slope that.

I fI were you, I'd get out now. People who turn out to be abusive manage to be so because they are funny, charming etc. At first. You've seen glimpses of who he really is already.

if it is sex addiction rather than being an emotional abuser/sociopath, then being dumped could be a wake up call that gets him to seek help. And as with any addiction, the addict has to want help, you can't make them get it.

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ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 27/12/2015 13:02

Yeah, imy not a prude eother, but I wouldn't tolerate a relationship like this this, with this man.

It's the comments he made that the op revealed in her most recent post that expose the man he is and the problem he has with sex.

Branleuse · 27/12/2015 13:12

Im not completely anti porn, and I know my dp watches it occasionally, but ffs, your boyfriend sounds like a chimp thats just discovered his knob. Does he give a fuck about what turns YOU on. Do YOU even know what turns you on ?

mypetdragon · 27/12/2015 13:36

Some interesting answers, and yes he does know what turns me on, he is always keen to give oral and usually takes great pleasure in bringing me to orgasm before embarking on his lengthy enjoyment

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