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Ranting about my ex and my inability to let go

(21 Posts)
Secretivebehaviour Sat 26-Dec-15 20:16:40

This is just a rant because I am sat here on my own in the living room and I just don't think I'll ever stop crying.

I feel like such a weak person, I am usually so strong but this year I am broken.
He broke me.
I am mid twenties with two children who are my world but I am struggling. I didn't want to parent on my own, it is hard. I work full time and I am trying to raise them with all the best intentions, with curiosity and interest but I just feel angry constantly.
He has them every other weekend for 24 hours and I resent it, I need more help I want them to enjoy their father and to build a proper relationship not be a mark in his diary.
He left ME for someone else, I know this. He left ME and not them and I feel so guilty that it is because of me that my children get so little of their father.

I need to work full time to pay the bills and for my own sanity too but I feel like I have no life other than work and children.
Then I see that he has been out with the woman he has left me for etc and I just think I will never meet anyone. ( he has asked me that I don't have any men at the house when the children are here, of course I wouldn't just bring men back but it limits dating etc when I have no child care) .
I just feel sad, like I wasted such a huge portion of my years on him. I felt like I was always waiting to be a priority because of his job and how demanding it was. Now we settle for the scraps behind her, when it should be my children who are the priority.

He has never been sorry, nor she. I don't expect grovelling but I did expect an attack of guilt or conscience on his behalf I thought I would get an unprompted apology or some acknowledgement.
I just couldn't cause unimaginable hurt and not care, I perhaps care too much his feelings. I have never used the children as a weapon, an empty threat twice but they have always been with him when they were supposed to be. I accept what he offers because I'm frightened of making him unhappy.

I would like him to have them more he seems it think 48 hours a month is his duty though.
I'm not selfish, I am just frightened I'll resent my children because I don't get a break from it. I would like to lay in or have an evening out but there is no room for them in this current schedule.
He just sees himself an only himself.

He constantly blows hot and cold with his mood towards me, I am just tired of having such a hard life when he has strolled off into the sunset with her.
I don't want to be jealous or bitter but it's hard not to be when I spent most of Christmas alone whilst he was with her.

I was hoping I'd have a wonderful life by now and it would be me skipping over him and waving my happiness in his face will he looked on from afar.
I'm angry that I am not strong enough to just accept and move on.

springydaffs Sat 26-Dec-15 22:18:58

and I feel so guilty that it is because of me that my children get so little of their father.

Er. He left YOU bcs he is a selfish prick (from what you've said), a cheat. How is that your fault?

Girl, you need to get ANGRY. Less of the high road - get down and dirty. He has fucked you over, time to get out your RAAAAH. His selfish actions have caused your current difficulties, forced you to carry a very heavy load.

You're not able to 'accept and move on' bcs you expect to do it like Grace Kelly - but it takes snot and the deepest hurt and rage to get to the other side. Unfortunately there's no other way to get to the promised land. You have to go through the grief at his betrayal.

So less of its your fault. No it isn't, it's his.

HandyWiseWoman Sat 26-Dec-15 22:47:44

I had a similar phase of being at emotional and physical breaking point when I never got a break. Now we have a proper contact schedule in place. It's better for everyone, including the dc, and has been life changing for me. Get a proper arrangement in place. 48hrs a month is nothing

Once you have space and time to breathe you will be able to handle all this much better.

In the meantime thanks cake wine

Secretivebehaviour Sun 27-Dec-15 08:59:14

Thank you.
I am fine for much of the month and then as the days go by I am worn down more and more.
It's hard having two small children, one has just started school and I want to show as much interest as I can in her early years. I am trying my best to ensure we read, we practise phonics and any questions about the works she has I can answer simply yet informatively. I am a young parent but I don't want my children failed.

I have tried asking for more but he makes me feel so small. He knows that I have accepted the crumbs of his life for the last however long so I am willing to forever I guess he feels.
I offer him everything a parent should be, school photos, school plays and parents evenings I am gracious and I am honourable to him.
But he is so selfish and I don't know how anyone can be.

I have been ill all over Christmas, I literally finished work at the end of he he school term and had a sickness bug that didn't seem to want to end. All whilst having to still care for my children, clean the house to get rid of any germs I was spreading and try and make the time if year magical.
It is impossible.

Last night we argued.
He is awful at thinking. In fact he never thinks only about her and Awful her ex is to her and how his life is so "miserable".
He doesn't understand why I am so unhappy, I am though because he can't organise himself to be a better father. He wants all the trappings of it but with as little effort as possible.
He was asked at the beginning of December what he wanted to do over Christmas ( maybe I'm a pushover but I knew he was working on Christmas Day for some of it so I allowed him choice ) but he didn't seem keen on seeing them, in fact he launched into a tirade about how his parents just kept to normal contact arrangements and it was quids in if his dad got them if not nobody worried. (Not the truth having spoken to his mum, it was her who then had to talk him and tell him he was only thinking about his self)
Anyway Christmas wasn't mentioned again to be honest if he was that'd interested, he sees them so little that I thought he'd bend over backwards to see them after a visit from st nick.
Until three days before he announces he'll be at mine Christmas morning early for a but before he has to go to work and he'll have them all Boxing Day but won't be keeping them over night. I had made plans for Boxing Day, I didn't want to soend Christmas on my own after he had weeks to decide and agree to something. I said no. He didn't seem bothered, told me he would be happy on his own etc etc and would catch up on rest and sleep as been working a lot. I keft it at that.

Yesterday I felt guilty and perhaps I should have let him have them yesterday, there was no spite on my behalf he knew that but giving me three days notice when he was asked a month before just seemed like he was taking the Mickey. So I messaged him saying we would be going on a walk and that he could join or I could leave the children with him for a while before we went on our way to our plans. He asked me want time and where we were going and then didn't respond.
It transpired he'd spent Christmas night and Boxing Day with the other woman and I just think he could of told me he was busy instead of leaving Christmas morning like a lost little puppy making me feel that he would be lonely all Christmas.

I'm sorry to rant but I am so angry that someone can be so blind at how they are affecting someone else's life, I ask for nothing only respect and for my children to be more than a mark on his Callander.
They are only small and I can't do it all on my own however hard I try, I am absolutely shattered.

Creampastry Sun 27-Dec-15 09:02:12

Stop offering him everything, start telling him when he can see them. It sounds like he's a prick do no loss to you or kids. Don't be a puppet to him.

Secretivebehaviour Sun 27-Dec-15 09:13:39

I just feel constant guilt.
I know in my head my children will be fine, they are loved and have a stable upbringing. They are my focus.
But the guilt when my little boy asks why his dad doesn't see them more makes me ache.
I am the reason he left them and I can't shake that.

He is very hard. He doesn't seem too see the world from anyone else's point of view.
He is happy to hurt as long as he is happy.

He could of left if he was miserable, I would never have expected him to stay but he has treated me awfully since he left. Constant hot and cold behaviour, lies and when I do confront him he gets rude and nasty.

When he left he said he was doing it for his own happiness he couldn't think of anyone else's ! He was right because he hasn't for one moment thought about how my life was affected because of him and her.
I don't understand how she as a mother can know how little he helps out with his own children and be accepting of this, knowing she left her husband for someone who will only do the bare minimum for his own children.

Theresatrexinmybed Sun 27-Dec-15 11:45:09's sounds as though you are me and in my head as this is exactly how my ex is, they think it's a game and are being abusive mine hit me on Xmas eve because he was supposed to be be at mine Xmas day without dcs but chose her over them.

I've now realised he is no good for any of us and the only way he will ever see my dcs again is through a court order which I know he will never do, I'm so sorry I cannot give you any advice but just know you are not alone and not the only person who feels like this, it's hard and we have to try and get through for our dcs sake.

Secretivebehaviour Sun 27-Dec-15 12:08:28

I'm sorry your going through the mill to.
My ex hasn't been violent just an inability to see that he is not the priority , the children are.

Rebecca2014 Sun 27-Dec-15 12:11:12

How long have you been separated? I just ask this because I had this same problem with my ex for a very long time. I remember last Christmas he didn't want our daughter at all, he couldn't be bothered to drive to my parents to pick her up boxing day. Visits were erratic...he got with his girlfriend very shortly after we split.

Thankfully my ex seems to have stepped up a bit, to be honest its thanks to his girlfriend who has grown a bond with our daughter. Some men are driven by their partners I am afraid...have you told him how you felt? how your not coping? maybe its time you get angry at him and show him your frustration.

I understand how hard it is, I am also the same age range as you and I vowed to never have any more children just in case I end up in the same situation again. I hope your ex does step up but if he doesn't, you just have get on with it and I hope you got some family and friends support who could help with babysitting.

TooSassy Sun 27-Dec-15 12:22:53


You need to get a clear access arrangement in place and you need to get stronger (mentally) and a little angrier per a PP.

Few points:

You are so young. You children will be older before you know it. You have plenty of time to meet someone new, trust me
He is telling you who can be in your house???? He said to not have men back when children are there? Your response should be to 'go fuck yourself'. Even if you have zero intention of bringing anyone back, he has NO RIGHTS to dictate what you do in your home. ZERO. My STBXH tried that once. My response was that he lost any right to tell me what I could do given he was sticking his dick in other people. He soon shut up. He has no right to tell you.
To repeat this one. You have to get a better access arrangement in place. 48 hours a month is not enough.
Your DC's question you about their daddy? Your response should be simple. I'm not your daddy, I don't know. You need to ask him.

You sound tired and beat down. I understand. Young children are tiring and you've been unwell. It will get easier OP. It also sounds like you're not fully over your ex....are you?

loooopo Sun 27-Dec-15 12:28:11

Can you get ahead and have the schedule drawn up for the next year so that there are no surprises? Sounds like IL are on your side - could they help more?

I think that you have to stop being surprised, disappointed and hurt by his nasty behaviour and choices with OW -- expect the worst from him and her - emotionally detach and get ahead renegotiating more access though legal routes.

Secretivebehaviour Sun 27-Dec-15 12:44:41

Thanks all.
I guess I'm not 100% over him! I don't think I want him back I just wish for him to be better to us, I know it's the children but I just feel like I deserve respect.
I do understand people are worse off and I do understand he had the right to leave.
It's not so much he left me but more the way it entailed, it seemed so overwhelming. I had to leave my home (it was works accom), change jobs as he was no longer available for childcare and my little girl had to change schools. It was such a huge upheaval, I have nothing from our time together and I guess I just feel like me and the children were well and truely let down.

Watching someone have a good life, whilst mine is a struggle and worry every day just hurts more, I was hoping that he would struggle at some point but he does not. He just finds more ways of bringing me down.

I have told him how I feel, he feels that 48 hours is enough, apparently it's what all dads do. Except of course his ow who's ex husband has his daughter more in a week than my does a month. He only sees life from his point of view and hers, he wants the trappings of family life whilst being able to do as he pleases.

His parents are good to me and help when they can but this is not their mess it is his and whilst they mop up after him how will he ever learn.

Jibberjabberjooo Sun 27-Dec-15 13:08:37

You are not responsible for his behaviour. He did a shitty thing and continues to behave like a shit. This is not your fault! You cannot change him and you cannot make him care. Be kind to yourself.

As a pp said, you have to stop being disappointed when he doesn't show. It's crap for the dc of course it is, but you can't change his behaviour. What you can do is get a schedule and legal advice. You need to get tough. You also have to stop blaming yourself for any of this.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sun 27-Dec-15 13:59:22

he has asked me that I don't have any men at the house when the children are here,

I'm sorry, I couldn't read past that for the rage!!

Tell him to fuck off.

I don't advocate introducing new bf/gfs too soon, but he has absolutely no right to make any requests.

Tell him that you fully intend to start living your life and if he doesn't want you to have men in the house when the children are there, he can make sure the children are there less often.

Secretivebehaviour Sun 27-Dec-15 14:15:33

I just feel bad constantly and I don't know why.
I feel bad for him and all that he misses out on, my daughter is school age and barely mentions him and my little boy is constantly asking why?

I don't know how to be harder towards him, it would be probably help but i just feel like I'm withholding him from them if I don't give him opportunities or updates.

He has treated me appallingly and if I had a friend who was being treated the same way I'd be telling her to grow a pair and not let him do that , fact is I can't and I don't know why.

Guilt eats away at me and I didn't do anything, it wasn't me who went off with my co worker it wasn't me that told him two visits a month would be perfect yet I blame myself for it all.

I am tired, every time I get a little bit better and I feel like I'm strong enough to do this by myself I am reminded how worthless I was to someone who above anything else was supposed to respect me.

Penfold007 Sun 27-Dec-15 14:33:17

Secretive you sound utterly exhausted and frankly I'm not surprised. Sadly no one can force him to step up to the plate and parent adequately. Can I suggest you make an appointment with your GP just to check that your not depressed?
Make sure his is paying child maintenance. Do you have any support in real life, could you parents or even his mother have the DCs one night a month just to let you breathe?

Secretivebehaviour Sun 27-Dec-15 14:52:20

I am exhausted. Everyone just thinks I should be poodling along, remarried and living life to the full by now.
I'm not though, I go through stages and I am fine and I see life and then I feel let down again and it's a snowball from there on in.

His mum is a huge help, she comes and does odd jobs listens to me cry or Hell's with the children when she can but she has a life and I am also aware that he is her son and I don't want him to feel she is taking sides. Although she has been more practical than side taking.

If I look back to where I was in January I have come a long way I was depressed then but I was reluctant to take anything to help me so I just fought my way through the bad days and for the most part I am fine.

I know nobody wants to be a single parent, I am wallowing In my own self pity but this is not what I wanted. I feel like the better parts of me aren't being shown to my children because I am bearing the brunt of two people.
They are bright and wonderful and I don't want my misery discolouring their world, they don't deserve this but neither do I.

I'm paying extortionate childcare to go to work and he is in the position as his own boss to help me one day a week but he won't commit, he could save me a lot of money but again it's too much hassle. Everything I ask is too much hassle.

I was ill over last weekend, I had warned him the day before because I had said I'd drive the hour to him to drop the children off. He didn't bother to respond , nor check I was okay to drive. He then got arsey with me when I messaged to say still not well not sure if I should bring them. It's as if I was withholding them from him, which I don't. He has had them every time he should have, I have never stopped it or asked to swap. If he wants a swap I swap. If he wants to change times I change times. Perhaps I do too much.

Whilst I was looking for a job change he gave her a job, he opened his own business and took her on. Giving her hours to fit around her child, lifts to and from work and all the benefits that sleeping with your boss gets you.
All I got was screamed at for having a night with friends while he "supported" the children whilst I was out of work for two months. He is self employed, no point going down the cms route. He will lie and say he earns nothing. I accept what he gives, he blames me for debts he was left with and the fact he has a car to pay off , mobile phone bill ( usual expenses we all have to pay but only his matter). In fact he has answer for everything if I have a worry or concern, his life is worse. He is more miserable, tired and run down.

It worries me if he is like this now he'll only get worse and he will wain off completely from the children.

Jibberjabberjooo Sun 27-Dec-15 14:59:51

Stop feeling bad for him, he makes his own choices. He is a grown man who is choosing to not take any responsibility. This is not a reflection on you. He knows you'll do all the running and effort, makes his life easy. He doesn't have to try.

Secretivebehaviour Sun 27-Dec-15 15:12:25

If I stop running I'm not sure he'd continue making any effort.
I know it's a case of acceptance and making the most of the cards I have been dealt.

Perhaps it is green eyed monster. He was a workaholic when we were together, he would sooner be working than helping me ! Now he's found the time to run a business , keep her interested and throws the children the scraps. I just don't feel like she should be getting the best bits when the children never have.

Jibberjabberjooo Sun 27-Dec-15 15:26:26

And you're doing it because you're a good mum and want your children to have a relationship with their father. But equally he doesn't seem to want a relationship with them, or at least one only on his terms.

Secretivebehaviour Sun 27-Dec-15 15:54:24

I know, I am frequently told he won't change so there is no point making him try to. It's best to be happy for myself and my little people. I know that it is my inability to accept what he gives that is overall the cause of my sadness.

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