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should I tell LC/NC toxic family about pregency?

(43 Posts)
Fuzzywuzzywasabear Sat 26-Dec-15 13:10:57

Firstly a bit of mum hasn't spoken to me for over 2 years since the day after our wedding when my mother had a complete melt down in the car park of our venue because I am such a horrible selfish ungreatful bitch. (Her exact words to my bridesmaids/ new husband!)

Grandmother never wanting to be less than center of attention also refuses to speak to me and my brother told me I am a horrible c**t because I wouldn't buy him an expensive christmas present then went on to add that he was standing up to me for how I treated my mum/ grandmother.

I still see my brother at family occasions on my dads side (divorced parents) and always try to speak to him and his gf. It's important to my dad and aunt who always try and patch things up.

So basically GM is a narcissist, DM has become her mother even though I know she hates when GM does the same to her and DB is enjoying his time as the golden child and is probably a narcissist as well.

This is the 3rd christmas we have not spoken, every year we've sent christmas gifts; we never receive anything back.

Although they have essentially cut us out of their lives DM still tries to manipulate me, when my grandfather died she told my dad I was going to kick off at my step mother at the funeral which caused all sorts of problems! Fortunately I talked to my dad and stepmother and we now have a better relationship as a result but I find it incredibly hurtful that she wants to turn the whole family against me.

If your still with me thanks for reading!

We have recently found out I am pregnant, we conceived via IVF so this baby is our little miracle however it it causing issues between dh and I because we can't agree if we should tell my mum or not.

My brother recently got engaged and I found out through facebook which I found incredibly upsetting and underlined to me that they no longer consider me as part of the family this has made me think that they no longer deserve to share in our good news when they haven't wanted to be part of our lives for the last 2 years.

On the other hand I feel like my mum will use me not telling them as an opportunity to cause more drama telling everyone and anyone how we've cut them off and excluded them, this would be her first biological grandchild.

Dh thinks we should tell them, his family is normal so although he sees the crazy he doesn't understand it, he thinks she'll suddenly start talking to us, which she might but at what cost?

Can someone one please advise me on what to do? I am so confused about what to do?

We had an argument last night with dh telling me I'd ruined our wedding by getting upset about my mum (I have 1 photo of us together on the day as she refused to help me get dressed or be excited as I was getting ready and looks miserable in all the photos so I do get very upset when I look back because of this) and now I am ruining being pregnant for him and I should just get over christmas and enjoy spending time together. (He Isn't Christian so he's not grown up with the big christmas like I did)

I just want him to understand how I cant just not be upset by being cut off by my entire family!

schlong Sat 26-Dec-15 13:16:25


OurBlanche Sat 26-Dec-15 13:26:04

1. No, don't contact them in order to tell them
2. Sit down with your DH and tell him your decision is final, as your family suck the joy out of your life, including your wedding, as he noticed.
3. Tell him he needs do nothing, there is nothing to fix and that if he chooses to contact them behind your back he will have made an extremely grave error that you will find hard to come to terms with. If he wants you happy, they no longer matter. Your joy at being pregnant will continue, without having to deal with them.

And repeat!

Good luck.

CaveMum Sat 26-Dec-15 13:28:02

Of course you can be upset, your family are not behaving the way families are supposed to.

Your husband is very wrong, he comes from a "normal" family so doesn't understand how badly yours can behave. I would strongly advise that you don't tell them about your pregnancy (huge congratulations by the way!). What would telling them acheive?

Sadly they will not magically turn into different people and accept you all back into their lives, more likely they will use it as another stick to beat you with. You also need to ask yourself if they are the sort of influence you want on your child? Think how they have treated you, would you want the same to happen to your child?

Feltedbump Sat 26-Dec-15 13:29:18

Firstly and most importantly congratulations on your pregnancy! That is the most important thing and what you should focus on.
I probably would tell them because as you say you were upset your brother got engaged and you found out by Facebook. Drop them a simple note/card where you simply say " just wanted to let you know we are having a baby. Due date is...."
Then leave it. I think the important thing is you don't have any expectations on how they will behave towards your news. So don't let their reaction/ lack of reaction bother you.
It sounds very complicated but (from experience) don't let your family be a source of constant arguments between you and your DH. Focus on your amazing miracle baby and not on their behaviour. It's you and your DH as a team now, working towards a stable family of your own. Don't let them spoil it for you, just let them know the news.
Good luck!

NotAClueReally3 Sat 26-Dec-15 13:37:47

I'm in two minds... On the one hand I feel like if you tell them then you're the bigger person and can say you've done the right thing. But on the other hand, narcissists will just use this news to continue to suck the joy out of you. I can't see any positive outcome being likely from inviting these people back into your life. I'm very sorry you're going through this.
In my experience narcissists don't change. My gut feeling is that you should protect yourself from them at all costs. I wish you all the best with your pregnancy.

loooopo Sat 26-Dec-15 13:50:46

So she has gone NC with you?
You have attempted contact and sent gifts and she still ignores?

Do you want contact? If so why? Do you expect her to behave differntly and to have changed?

What is the pattern of her behaviour and relationship with you over the years - ie pre the one off post wedding melt down? This is important as this

If you tell her you need to consider the consequences - a child is another opportunity to control or poison depends which way she flips...

What if she now wants contact and repeats her bad behaviour with your new family? How will you manage this?

What boundary do you want with this person? Is she likely to respect it?

coconutpie Sat 26-Dec-15 14:00:12

Why do you still send gifts to these awful people? They may be your family but that does not give them the right to treat you like shit. I would have nothing more to do with them. Why would you want to expose an innocent child to their toxic way of life? To hell with that. As for your DH, you need to tell him that it's your family and your decision is final. He needs to stop interfering.

Arfarfanarf Sat 26-Dec-15 14:06:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytime Sat 26-Dec-15 14:16:05

You need to take control.
Do you want to be in contact? Do you want to be continually rejected? Do you want people trying to alienate your child or being unpleasant to them?

I would suggest you decide to be NC.
Then you need to inform you DH about toxic families like yours and get him on your side.
Do not send any more presents etc.
Talk to your Dad and Step Mum, explain how you feel.

If people repeat criticism then say you are not in contact after they choose not to be and their behaviour at your wedding.

You can do this.

NewToNoContact Sat 26-Dec-15 14:18:31

Don't tell them.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 26-Dec-15 14:21:58

Your DH really does not get the dynamics here at all does he; he comes from a functional and healthy family where this type of dysfunction is frankly unknown. Lucky for him. He is therefore not in any position to dictate terms. Did he really say that you ruined your own wedding, why did he state that at all?.

A boundary you can do as of now and maintain to boot is to stop sending them gifts. They do not want them nor appreciate this; I presume you are only doing that because of your own FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

I would also suggest you read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic mothers and post on the "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages too.

If you go no contact with them this is precisely what it means; you send and receive nothing from them. Your DH needs to respect your decision no matter how hard it is for him; it has been a million times harder for you.

It is not possible to have any sort of relationship with a narcissist and I would not tell them at all about your pregnancy. I would also keep any children you go onto have well away from all your side of the family; they will mistreat her in similar ways to how you as her mother were (and remain) treated.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Sat 26-Dec-15 14:23:40

OurBlanche has it.

Even if things improved and you had a 'normal' relationship, you'd forever be treading on eggshells at every single important event in your lives.

I wouldn't tell them. flowers

elizalovelace Sat 26-Dec-15 14:24:25

Not sure why you want to tell them about the baby? Are you hoping they will suddenly change the way they feel about you? I doubt very much this would be the case. Sorry if my post sounds harsh but why set yourself up for more heartache? I would never ever expose my children to people like them, my children deserve the best as does your little one.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 26-Dec-15 14:31:24

A good rule of thumb here is that if they are too toxic for you to deal with, they will certainly be too toxic for your both vulnerable and defenceless child as well.

RomComPhooey Sat 26-Dec-15 15:19:25

If you read the Stately Homes thread in relationships you will see how often crap parents make equally crap grandparents & how hard the posters find it seeing their children treated badly by their grandparents (or worse still, co-opted and turned against their own parents by the toxic grandparents). In your shoes, I'd sit tight and - as a very minimum - keep quiet until you've had the baby. There's no way you should be inviting stress and conflict into your life whilst you are pregnant. Let's face it, they won't be supportive or helpful during your pregnancy hoing on past form. Don't rush to any decision.

Fuzzywuzzywasabear Sat 26-Dec-15 15:43:01

Thanks for all the messages.

This isn't the only incident just the most recent they have been NC 4 times in the last 10 years this is the longest period, usually I keep making an effort and then one day she'll call like nothing ever happened and we're on speaking terms again? I suppose that's why I keep sending the gifts?

I know that I don't want to have to explain to a child why nana has suddenly decided to disappear or deal with her turning them against me.

However I feel like everyone else sees me as the terrible daughter and by not sending gifts and making an effort she's some how vindicated.

Through my hen do she has reconnected with my aunts and regularly sees them now, I then get the whole "have you spoken to your mother" "you only get one mother" ect. I feel pressurised into maintaining the relationship.

It's hard she's really good at the woe is me I am such a wonderful mother why do I have such an ungrateful child thing.

RomComPhooey Sat 26-Dec-15 15:50:17

I hate the whole "blood is thicker than water" mentality. I often think a helpful ananlogy is to ask people whether they'd insist on you maintaining a relationship with parents who sexually abused you or insist that your children spend time with them (answer = no), then point out that physical and mental abuse can be very harmful for people who've grown up with it & ask why they think anyone should maintain a relationship with someone who has abused them.

sh77 Sat 26-Dec-15 15:56:41

Absolutely not. I really can't see what you have to gain. My mother is an absolute narc psycho bitch. I decided NC after she behaved monstrously in front of my son on several occasions - screaming, swearing. Not once has she spent a single penny on a small gift for him yet spends tens of thousands on handbags and other shit. I simply do not want this witch in my son's life. As previous poster said, narc mums can make hideous GMs. Enjoy your pregnancy and your baby in the purest way possible.

loooopo Sat 26-Dec-15 16:01:07

Reconnecting with the aunts - were there her sisters or her xSILs? Had she fallen out with them as well? Do you know about flying monkeys?

loooopo Sat 26-Dec-15 16:05:31

Her repeated NC then getting back in touch as if nothing has happened is toxic and dysfunctional -- she calls the shots and has you hanging on a string.

A repeated cycle of abuse...draws you in, the abuses you then cuts you off...

For the sake of your new baby and your marriage - keep yourself out of "punching distance".

She will never change - access to a new baby will ramp up the craziness.

Please dont offer over your hard won joy to her....enjoy your pregnancy - protect yourself and your family from her.

Fuzzywuzzywasabear Sat 26-Dec-15 16:14:44

They are xSIL, they are a lot younger than my dad and we lost my nan a few years ago she's used that to manipulate her way back into the family.

One recently got married and she played holy hell with my father because my aunt invited her and my dad refused to go if she was there, she told my dad he was being childish and vindictive?!

Ever the martyr she then selflessly declined the invitation and paid for the cake my aunts gave my dad shit for weeks about it.

I know she gets my aunts to ask me things I can tell by the way they speak to me, I am not entirely certain she doesn't already know about the ivf and that I am pregnant as one of my aunts knows all about it?

I am trusting her when she said she wouldn't tell anyone?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 26-Dec-15 16:22:07

These people are really past masters of come closer so I can hurt you again.

You get close and they hurt you again. This is typical narcissistic type behaviour from your mother. You need to run away very fast when they at all start acting "normal".

This excerpt from may help you:-

"Narcissists are habitually cruel in little ways, as well as big ones, because they're paying attention to their fantasy and not to you, but the bruises on you are REAL, not in your imagination. Thus, no matter how gently you suggest that they might do better to change their ways or get some help, they will react in one of two equally horrible ways: they will attack or they will withdraw. Be wary of wandering into this dragon's cave -- narcissists will say ANYTHING, they will trash anyone in their own self-justification, and then they will expect the immediate restoration of the status quo. They will attack you (sometimes physically) and spew a load of bile, insult, abuse, contempt, threats, etc., and then -- well, it's kind of like they had indigestion and the vicious tirade worked like a burp: "There. Now I feel better. Where were we?" They feel better, so they expect you to feel better, too. They will say you are nothing, worthless, and turn around immediately and say that they love you. When you object to this kind of treatment, they will say, "You just have to accept me the way I am. (God made me this way, so God loves me even if you are too stupid to understand how special I am.)" Accepting them as they are (and staying away from them entirely) is excellent advice. The other "punishment" narcissists mete out is banishing you from their glorious presence -- this can turn into a farce, since by this point you are probably praying to be rescued, "Dear God! How do I get out of this?" The narcissist expects that you will be devastated by the withdrawal of her/his divine attention, so that after a while -- a few weeks or months (i.e., the next time the narcissist needs to use you for something) -- the narcissist will expect you to have learned your lesson and be eager to return to the fold. If you have learned your lesson, you won't answer that call. They can't see that they have a problem; it's always somebody else who has the problem and needs to change. Therapies work at all only when the individual wants to change and, though narcissists hate their real selves, they don't want to change -- they want the world to change. And they criticize, gripe, and complain about almost everything and almost everyone almost all the time. There are usually a favoured few whom narcissists regard as absolutely above reproach, even for egregious misconduct or actual crime, and about whom they won't brook the slightest criticism. These are people the narcissists are terrified of, though they'll tell you that what they feel is love and respect; apparently they don't know the difference between fear and love. Narcissists just get worse and worse as they grow older; their parents and other authority figures that they've feared die off, and there's less and less outside influence to keep them in check".

Your relatives like your aunt are simply acting as the flying monkeys in this whole sorry episode; they are acting purely in their own interests and not in yours. They are being manipulated by your mother to do her dirty work for her. They do not understand and will not understand either so they should be roundly ignored by you. Do not be pressurised into maintaining any relationship simply because they say so. They have not lived your life or have really seen your mother's excesses of behaviour at close quarters. They are ignoring your own rights by questioning you at all on this matter; you matter and your mother's "rights" do not trump yours. They do not care about you if they simply listen to only one side of the argument.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 26-Dec-15 16:25:52

Narcissists as well make for being deplorably bad grandparent figures. The best thing you can do for your child with regards to your family of origin is to not allow them any sort of access.

If you find them too toxic to deal with, it will be the same deal for your child as well. They will likely over value or under value the relationship with your child and will use your child to get back at you as his/her parent. You will be completely undermined by them.

Tell your aunts that the subject of you is not up for discussion.

loooopo Sat 26-Dec-15 16:30:13

Please dont expose another human being to this nasty woman - even as you are pregnant the stress and head fuck is polluting your unborn baby.

There is nothing to be gained. She will not change.

You questioning to tell her is driven by FOG - FOG is not a way to live your life....only maybe in relation to yourself and your unborn.
You owe her nothing.

She has her flying monkeys - she will have every bit of info on you that she needs right now - just assume that.

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