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Please help me get through this. Can't anymore

(12 Posts)
CookiesNookie Fri 25-Dec-15 23:57:53

Please help me get through this as I can't cope anymore.
I'm 6 months down from finding out about my husbands affair and feel like I've gone downhill more than forward.
I'm really struggling with everything. He isn't interested in the girls and only make contact when he get pressured by his dad to do hence him turning up today after no contact for almost 2 months and before that also 2.5 month no contact only getting in touch when he is being pressured to do so by his parents.

He keeps on cancelling mediation meaning we are nowhere near sorting things out. Today started off okay after a terrible start to the week after I was extremely anxious about sitting with him in mediation the day before what would have been our 9th wedding anniversary. I cancelled the only plans I had this holiday as our app was at 10am. I then got a text message after 10pm that he could no longer do it the next morning. I was so upset but at the same time so relieved as it meant I didn't have to see him on Tuesday. The Wednesday would have been our anniversary. Yesterday was his birthday and the girls was upset as the run up to Christmas has always been busy due to all the celebrations. I had no way of contacting him as he blocked me.

Anyway last night before I went to bed at around 2am I got a message from him asking what I was doing today or Boxing Day. I ignored as it was the first contact in 6 weeks. This morning I had numerous messages again and his family said that I should think what the girls wanted.

I therefore called him and arranged for him to come around. He asked if he could sit and eat with us and as much as I didn't want to I agreed as I knew the girls would have loved it.

He came around (empty handed) proceeded to tell the girls that he will have a "proper Christmas" with them. They will have a "proper Christmas dinner" and play Family games and have an awesome time with OW.

I just continued finishing off dinner and towards the end asked my 8 year old to lay the table. She laid table for only us 3 and I told him to tell her that he will be staying for lunch. He turned around and said actually he's changed his mind. I completely started messing up our Christmas dinner didn't out half of the dinner in the oven as I was so aware of him being in the house. By the time we had to sit down and eat he insisted on sitting at the table not eating. To be fair the food didn't look Christmassy at all. Half the food I bought I didn't cook. I didn't even have the crackers on the table. My kids favourite part. I couldn't hold myself how he went on and on and had to excuse myself from the table. In the end he only stayed for the hour with loads of promises. The kids asked to spend "Their Christmas" without OW on Sunday and he just said okay.

Just seeing him today has completely get me all anxious again. I cannot cope anymore. My only support I have are school mums who are all spending Christmas time with their families.

How do I get stronger. How do I move on?
How do I not end it right now and makes things easier and him and her can raise them as I have no one in this country. PLEASE HELP?

FrostyNipples Fri 25-Dec-15 23:59:48

Just flowers

HPsauciness Sat 26-Dec-15 00:04:30

Cookie I'm so sorry to hear about your stressful Christmas. You sound like you are the anchor for your children and they very much need you, he sounds completely flaky and so your idea they would live happily ever after without you is simply not true in any regard.

Could you possibly return to your home country with the children? Is that not an option? Could your family come to help you out a bit here?

It sounds incredibly hard on you, because you are always managing your children in relation to his promises, and he sounds utterly crap in every way. But you are what they have and that is so incredibly valuable even if you can't see that yourself right now.

In the New Year perhaps sort out some more formal contact, he can't just decide to come on Christmas having not discussed it (or prepared).

louisatwo Sat 26-Dec-15 00:06:52

Dear Cookies,
What a knob! Well done on you for putting your children first and even allowing him to come over - and so sorry that it was so difficult.

I have no easy answers - but your actions show that you put your children first and that's one of the main differences between you. That's why your children need you
If you are feeling really bad keep posting here and there are a number of helplines who will sit and listen if you're feeling sad - the Samaritans for one ?

HPsauciness Sat 26-Dec-15 00:07:39

And if you feel truly alone tonight and need someone to talk with, try the Samaritans. I called them once in a dark hour of the night and they just listened. It may help you.

In the morning, start thinking of ways in which you can get stronger and help the children move on as well, with more regular contact arranged by email. My guess is he won't stick to it at all, but at least then you will have documented that if it ever came to court.

CookiesNookie Sat 26-Dec-15 00:17:37

Thanks for the replies.
I left my country due to a horrible relationship with my own mother. Had a better relationship with her once I had my kids but only from a distance. Once I'm in the same country she and my one sister and brother have their claws out again.
I came back from a much anticipated month long stay there 4 weeks ago. Just say that I was looking for alternative accommodation 1 week into my stay. My reason was to see if I could make it work. They took me to the airport to fly back and I didn't even get a "Stay strong" message nothing.
Only my dad and my youngest sister there and not enough for me to stay and make a life. My dad isn't very well and I knew saying goodbye was probably the last time I would have seen him before he passes.

I genuinely have no one. I've spent many nights with Samaritans but don't feel any better. Sometimes I am able to calm myself if I've been upset but most times I feel like I have this massive headache.

CookiesNookie Sat 26-Dec-15 00:28:59

He is a bloody knob. Had the audacity to ask why the girls aged 8 and 4 couldn't call him for his birthday.

What I forgot to add is. His OW sent me a horrible message earlier this month telling me that I stop him from seeing them. This is the same man that dropped my kids on my doorstep over the summer holidays and drove off. To stop being after his money and that her taxes are why I'm getting benefits. She said loads more and I never responded. But basically she made out like she is the wife and I'm the piece of trash that knowingly got involved with a married man with kids. Waving to my kids at my front door whilst she fucked my husband that night.

They had no contact with their dad from the day he dropped them and drove off and the day 2.5 months later when he finally saw them a few days before j was due to fly to my home country he introduced them and shared the same room. Have never once spent a day with them without her. Just seen them few hours before and once when we returned in November.

I'm becoming really anxious imagining them playing happy families with my babies.

Griphook Sat 26-Dec-15 00:32:51

I think that you need to stop putting other people first, whilst it's good that see the girls it doesn't have to been in your home.
Make your home your sanctuary, it he wants to see them, had them over at the door. He has no right to make you feel shit on your home.
Along the same lines you no longer have to engage wit your in laws, they don't get to tell you what's for the best

Griphook Sat 26-Dec-15 00:36:05

Keep a diary of all the arranged visits and cancelled visits. Keep text and emails.
Get to a solicitor asap and contact the case. Start taking control, it might make you feel less anxious

OhBeloved Sat 26-Dec-15 01:32:38

Cookies it sounds like you really have a boundaries problem - with your dm and your ex.

I too think that should be the last time you let your ex into your home. If he wants to see his dc, then he'll have to arrange something properly that doesn't involve you enabling it to happen.

You should have continued to ignore his messages. he had a chance to make an arrangement and failed to do so. A message at 2am or last minute is not good enough. And inviting himself to christmas dinner? WTAF? And then he changed his mind... unbelievable.

So time to decide on what rules you want in place and stick to them. Every time. He'll probably throw some strops to begin with but he'll eventually get used to them and you and your dd will be the better for it.

If you really struggle with asserting yourself, particularly with your family, you might think about assertiveness courses or counselling.

howtorebuild Sat 26-Dec-15 01:39:56

Yes I agree, boundary issue going on

hownottofuckup Sat 26-Dec-15 01:43:34

I couldn't read without posting.
It is such a horrible situation to be in, especially with little support.
He is an utter, utter cock.
It does sound like you are lacking the boundaries to safeguard yourself (been there!), you need to get these boundaries in place to protect yourself. Protect yourself and you protect your DD's.
I really found the biggest help for me was counseling. I contacted a local counsellor, they all seem to do reduced rates for people on lower income.
Please look in to it. And keep posting. I know how hard it is and so do many others, you are not alone flowers

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