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Christmas when you know you want to leave the relationship

(6 Posts)
nearlyhadenough Fri 25-Dec-15 22:49:26

I know that I have to leave my DH - he is a compulsive liar (well documented on here) and our relationship has been sexless for 15 odd years. He is emotionally somewhere else, possibly (probably) gay.

We have been married for 23 years. We shouldn't still be together but I have attachment issues and am so bloody scared of leaving - though strangely not scared of being on my own and living independently.

Even though our DC are 21 and 23 I wanted to make this the best Christmas that I could - but it has been so hard. Making an effort but knowing that this time next year I will (hopefully) be in my own home, on my own, doing what I want.

I have hated most of our previous Christmases. All on his terms, what his family have traditionally done. Much of it in big contrast to what I had previously experienced with my own family. This year I put the tree up when I wanted to, I played Christmas music and put up candles - something DH would never do.

In all of this though I feel so confused. I have been seeing a counsellor to help me work through my thoughts and feelings around my need to leave. Sometimes I am so sure that I can be strong enough to end it, I have seen a divorce lawyer, started making plans about where I would like to live and worked out my finances.

But I look at how my family have been today and I hate myself for thinking of breaking that apart.

I wish I had a time machine to take me trough the next year or so.

I'm not sure what I am looking for from you lovely people here, just trying to understand my confused thoughts.

Sn0tnose Fri 25-Dec-15 22:56:29

Just keep reminding yourself that you aren't breaking up a happy home just because you feel like having a bit of a gallivant about. You are saying 'enough' to being treated like a stranger in your own marriage. You've had a lovely Christmas this year because you've ignored what he wants and you've done it your way. You'll have that every year from now on. flowers

MrSlant Fri 25-Dec-15 22:59:03

Don't be scared, be more scared of life if you don't. You have a chance to do what you want, to live your life and I'm guessing that you are getting older like me so this is your chance. If it helps two years ago today was the day I realised it was the end and I had to get out, we had Christmas as a family on my terms today and ex-H went home to his house when the DCs went to bed and I am satisfied I gave them the best day I could. I can't pretend the last couple of years were easy BUT I am happier with my lot than I would have been if we were still together. Good luck to you.

nearlyhadenough Sat 26-Dec-15 17:07:23

Thank you for your kind words, they really do help.

I am 45, I feel like my life is over and I am sat here watching DH, DD and her partner doing a puzzle whilst I watch TV. It is lovely.....

But inside I am screaming out for someone to be nice to me. I can't remember the last time I was kissed or held, or even touched in a loving way.

I have spent so many years begging DH to be more affectionate - to no avail. I can only assume that I am unlovable.

Where do you find the strength to leave?

Sn0tnose Sat 26-Dec-15 18:36:44

You are not unlovable! You just haven't had an opportunity for anyone else to love you as a husband should love his wife. His issues are his alone and are nothing to do with you. If you suspect he is gay, then nothing you could have ever said or done throughout your marriage could have changed things. How could it possibly have been down to you?

You are 45 and, yes, you might have a crap time ahead of you while you split, but then your life begins and you get to decide your future and make it a happy one. If you feel you don't have the strength, ask yourself what would be worse; living the rest of your life feeling like this and looking back in your 90s, full of regrets, or giving yourself a chance to feel happiness?

Bobblehat10 Sat 26-Dec-15 19:45:08

Completely unreasonable to put candles up. IMHO anyway.
But no sex for 15 years. Dear God how on earth have you put up with it for so long?
For me it would be to envisage the end result (living alone and enjoying life, and perhaps a bit of mild shagging) rather than the hell that awaits. The near future is just something that needs to be done to get to those sunlight uplands. Bit like walking up a hill really.
I'm not really one for LTB responses, but it seems like such a given in your case, I don't think you can do anything else at all, and to hell with what anyone thinks. Just have that mental picture of what happiness looks like, and you will achieve it.
Best of luck to you OP.

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