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Am I overthinking this?

(12 Posts)
lucy4113 Fri 25-Dec-15 18:45:53

I can really talk myself into a stressful situation, and I think I might need a slap right now.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a few years and ended it over a year ago - all good spent a year dating etc.

I've finally met someone I actually like.

I've known him two months, and we've met up around 7 or 8 times. First few times were his idea, the rest totally mine.

Up until yesterday he hadn't had a day off for 3 weeks (he's a builder). So I wasn't sure whether to just leave him to it but I wanted to see him, so I'd text and he'd come running, regardless of how tired he was.

So he's never denied me, but my mind is telling me he's not that into you, its you thats suggesting you meet up these past 4 times.

I saw him tuesday evening after he'd finished work at 11pm because I wouldn't see him for about a week as I was driving to parents for Xmas the next day.

Bit of texting on Wednesday, he was working, and he was working part of Xmas eve then had to get a train to his parents house. I texted him yesterday saying "How are you doing?" and uhhh no reply yet.

Its such early days but I like him, I know he can't really hurt me at this stage but I feel a bit like Im being ignored - takes 10 seconds to send a text? Even though I suspect he's mostly sleeping/spending time with his family.

I know when I get back to London and ask to see him he'll come running again, but it can't always be me making the move?

Slap me please. angry

Chorltonswheelies422 Fri 25-Dec-15 18:55:19

Lucy did you get support after the abusive relationship ended? It sounds like you could really use some support from a counsellor as you move forward in this brand new relationship.

MudCity Fri 25-Dec-15 18:56:14

I think you know the answer. Time to step back and let him do the running. His lack of contact may be because he is hugely busy BUT good relationships need effort and he needs to make the effort in order for you to feel valued.

Value yourself. Continue to date other people and keep things light. You deserve someone who reciprocates your interest. If they don't, let them go. You deserve better.

lucy4113 Fri 25-Dec-15 19:00:54

I had some therapy sessions yes which helped. And took a year to work on myself etc.

Have I come across damaged? Won't be offended if yes.

The abusive relationship shattered my confidence I suppose.

In the past two months I've danced between "he definitely likes me" to "he doesn't like me at all" - friends are like OF COURSE he likes you Lucy!

I can see the writing on the wall but I really wobble sometimes, want to just enjoy it, and take my time.

My ex would ignore texts/calls for days as a form of punishment (for doing nothing) so this guy not responding I'm taking quite personally to mean that he doesn't like me, which I get may not be a "normal" reaction.

lucy4113 Fri 25-Dec-15 19:01:58

MudCity - yes, I should back off and if he's interested I'll hear from him. Already suspect I won't hear from him ever again.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf Fri 25-Dec-15 19:14:36

Whether he's into you or not, the self doubt you have is related to your abuse. Did you have abuse specific therapy / work?

lucy4113 Fri 25-Dec-15 19:17:59

No I wouldn't say it was abuse specific therapy, I had a few sessions then went travelling for 6 months.

This self doubt hasn't reared its ugly head until now, when I really like someone.

Feel pretty gutted about it. But know what I should do.

MudCity Fri 25-Dec-15 19:23:47

No! You haven't come across as damaged. In fact you come across as being sensible and having insight...you know what is going on, you are simply seeking validation.

Dating is a strange thing...you get enthusiastic when you meet someone nice and hope they are feeling as enthusiastic about you. You invest in them emotionally and then wonder if your feelings and commitment are requited. This is why you have to let them meet you half way...just to see if you are going in the same direction or not.

My best 'advice' to you is to take dating very lightly. Enjoy meeting new people, enjoy the opportunities to go out to different places, but do not invest heavily until you have both shared that you want to be in an exclusive relationship. Dating is a 'getting to know you' process isn't it? And at some point a decision needs to be made. Often, one person will lead on that decision and they may communicate it by simply not contacting you. That doesn't mean you are worthless. It doesn't mean they didn't like you. It simply means they do not want to take it further which could be for a variety of reasons.

If you don't hear from him again, he wasn't right for you. It is as simple as that. And it's a shame for you because you liked him. However, you need someone who likes you as much as you like them otherwise it won't work.

Let him go. Start afresh. You will find someone worth your time and affection in time. Patience is the key.

lucy4113 Fri 25-Dec-15 19:35:28

At first I thought maybe HE had confidence issues, would ask me if I'd had fun, like when I texted him on tuesday to see him he was like yep sounds good, so you enjoyed the other night? I said yes did you, he said yeah it was fun. Clearly I did if Im suggesting we meet again?

Probably overthinking.

I've been dating other people, two times before I've seen this guy I've had a date with someone else the night before.

Good advice though MudCity, gotta let him go. If he likes me he'll contact me.

something2say Fri 25-Dec-15 20:49:39

You are obsessing about it. It's Xmas, you barely know each other and he is with his family. Leave him be for a while and await the drunken lovey dovey text X

RedMapleLeaf Fri 25-Dec-15 21:04:23

I don't think you come across as damaged, and I think your feelings are pretty normal for someone who is realising that, actually, they quite like this one.

In the past two months I've danced between "he definitely likes me" to "he doesn't like me at all" - friends are like OF COURSE he likes you Lucy!

How about settling on, "we're both at that early stage of figuring out just how much we like the other and in what way"?

I reckon you should listen to your instincts and cool it off a little. Let him realise that he needs to pursue you a little. Also, go easy on you (and him) it's an emotional time of year, 2/3 months in to the relationship can be a wobbly time etc.

MudCity Fri 25-Dec-15 21:07:31

Maybe he does have confidence issues, maybe he doesn't...there is nothing you can do about that. You can only make a judgement based on his behaviour towards you...that's what is important.

I know a lot of people would disagree, but some men do like to do the chasing rather than have someone chase them. You have done your part by showing your interest. He now needs to come to you, if and when he is good and ready. If he doesn't, then fair enough, move swiftly on!

It is great you are getting out there and meeting lots of people. Some people you may only see once, others a few times, others for months. Some men will like you more than you like them, others vice versa. It's a strange business but enjoy all the positives! The more men you date, the more you will know what you want from a future partner...it is never wasted.

Good luck!

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