Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

me again-please help

(451 Posts)
Cowscockwithonions Fri 25-Dec-15 16:09:09

I posted a couple of months back about ending my EA relationship, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me.
I remember acrossthepond and Anyfucker posting with advice/ support

My ex is still living here- he said he is moving out after Xmas-he knows it's over.

Today has been awful- he's been extremely nice, whereas past Christmases he's been awful- short tempered and moaning at the kids over anything.
The worst thing is though,
I said I didn't want any presents, I know he'd already bought me a couple of little bits 'from the kids', which I was ok with, as the kids wanted to buy me things.
So I bought him a couple of token presents from the kids- socks and chocolate.
He gave me the kids presents, then said he had also bought me some things which he wasn't going to give me as they were "inappropriate, given the circumstances", apparantly he bought them before we split.

Then, in front of the kids, he gave me the presents, knowing that i couldn't say "no I'm not accepting them" as he would act all hard done by and the kids would feel sorry for him.
He'd bought me a diamond ring angrysad , plus some very expensive presents.
Why did he do this? He knows we're over- I know he just wanted to make me feel bad, but why do it in front of the kids sad
I spent a tenner max on his presents from the kids, he spent about £600, according to the kids- he told them.
My head is so fucked up right now, the last few weeks we have been civil, and he did say that he's going to move out, so why, why why did he do this?
Not sure why I'm posting, I already know that he's doing it to make me feel guilty, guess I just wanted to sound off.
Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very fragile at the moment, I feel like the nastiest person in the world

Destinysdaughter Fri 25-Dec-15 16:20:18

It sounds like more manipulation to me and trying to make you feel guilty. If he's been abusive in the past, no amounts of presents will make up for it. Are you aware of the 'cycle of abuse'? I'll try and find a link for it.

Stay strong, you're doing the right thing!

hefzi Fri 25-Dec-15 16:21:13

You're not nasty - lose that thought now! This is just the latest manifestation of his EA - it's part of his strategy: give them him back and tell him to return them, or keep them and flog them to buy yourself something nice but either way, you are not the one in the wrong here, at all. He's the one who's been nasty. Just try to get through until you get rid of him - hopefully tomorrow: Boxing Day is after Christmas, isn't it?!

Hang in there flowers

kittybiscuits Fri 25-Dec-15 16:21:49

You know why. He did it because he is manipulative and emotionally abusive. He knows this is a vulnerable time for you with children and the split looming. You see a delicate situation that needs managing. He sees an opportunity to manipulate you and the children. This is why you are leaving x

Destinysdaughter Fri 25-Dec-15 16:22:16

Here it is. Does any of this look familiar? ( it includes gift giving btw)

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html

Lovelilies2 Fri 25-Dec-15 16:26:04

Ha! Same here except he's bought loads for my DD including a new bike and even took her out on it in the rain!

He's being mr. Perfect at the moment (although I have kicked him out smile) and am in the process of buying my own house for me and the kids.

Atenco Fri 25-Dec-15 16:30:37

Well OP, your children will learn that you can't be bought and that says a lot.

fuzzywuzzy Fri 25-Dec-15 16:31:00

Keep the gifts, think of it as the least that you deserve for putting up with him.

He's doing it on purpose to make you feel like the bad guy.

hopefully you'll be rid of him soon.

Cowscockwithonions Fri 25-Dec-15 16:34:38

Thanks for posting that destiny- yes it's all too familiar unfortunately.
I think in his mind he thinks he being kind and sweet.
When I first told him I was ending things, he minimised everything he'd said/done to upset me, and also said that he's "done everything for me", and if I'd asked him to do something he'd done it straight away, and that when he asks me to do something I always forget.
An example of this, is if I've asked him to get something from the shop- toilet roll, milk etc. he goes out and buys it.
Sometimes if i was going shopping he'd ask me for something- a few times I've forgotten.
I've told him that I don't mean to forget.
Also, when we were together, he used to ask me to "dress up" for him,
meaning stockings and suspenders etc in the bedroom (sorry if tmi)
I didn't really want to, it was too much effort, I have 5 children to look after, at the end of a long day the last thing I want to do is get "dressed up".

Cowscockwithonions Fri 25-Dec-15 16:36:25

Sorry, the last paragraph was referring to "things I don't do", according to him, meaning I didn't "dress up" for him

Cowscockwithonions Fri 25-Dec-15 16:39:41

Thanks for all your replies, I know everyone's busy today, I don't really have anyone to talk to about this at the moment- my friends are busy with their families. Xx

amarmai Fri 25-Dec-15 16:44:56

do not change your mind,op. Once an EA , always an EA.

ImtheChristmasCarcass Fri 25-Dec-15 16:46:02

Totally doing it to make you feel bad. And that means that regardless of what the items may have cost in money, in truth they are worthless as there is no giving spirit behind them.

I'd either return them to him quietly tomorrow with a "Sorry, I can't accept this from you as we are no longer a couple. It would be inappropriate" OR I'd keep them and tell him I was going to pawn/sell them as I consider them a 'farewell gift' and that I was sure I'd be able to find use for the money after he's moved out.

What a prick.

I remember you. And I'm AcrossthePond55 with an Xmas name change!

Clarella Fri 25-Dec-15 16:54:03

I haven't much experience of ea but I feel he hasn't respected your wishes - not to be given presents. Token things from the kids is fine, but these are not - esp a ring. Therefore it has been designed to make you feel
guilty and humiliate in my opinion, and to hide / rewrite history by being overly nice this last year. Attempts to cast himself in a better light.

Moans that you won't dress up etc are also lack of respect for you and your needs. Communicating that desire in a safe loving manner and you not feeling comfortable with it would be a more normal situation, but again, trying to put you down and make you feel bad for not doing such an intimate thing is effectively bullying.

Forgetting shopping - if you forgot, you forgot, it wasn't intentionally vindictive. People are allowed to forget. He's trying to elevate himself above you and put you down by making you feel a useless person for simply forgetting something.

The ring is awkward; I'd be tempted to accept it and later sell it on or keep it for one of your children to inherit. Give it away to a supportive friend. Pawn it. It might depend if he might use it as a way to be vindictive later on. In which case id give it back when he does, More fool him really for giving you a diamond ring. Do not feel guilty, he is a fool. Look at it as simply metal and stone. It means nothing to you.

Hold your head high. Be proud you are moving forward.

Cowscockwithonions Fri 25-Dec-15 16:56:31

Carcass I really appreciated your advice on my previous thread, it helped me so much.

It's only since I've ended the relationship that I've realised how much I was modifying my actions and behaviour to suit him, it's been so nice not having to worry about being out too long, or letting the kids go on the laptop without his say so.
I didn't realise that the relationship was abusive, I still don't now to a certain extent, sometimes I think that maybe I'm being over dramatic, and that he isn't abusive.
He is though. He is. My head is fucked up and all over the place.

Cowscockwithonions Fri 25-Dec-15 16:59:28

Thank you clarella x

Clarella Fri 25-Dec-15 17:02:18

He's clearly made you doubt yourself a lot.

It is hard as I think there are fine lines sometimes in marriages with lots of stress and pressure, people get ratty etc. But you are clearly over, you said no presents therefore he should have respected this. This is evidence of his ea as a normal person would recognise and respect your wishes and head space. I might say no presents in a fit of bah humbug and my husband would get a little something, but that is different as we are together. You are not together. Presents should have been returned.

Emotions are exhausting and make it harder to think clearly. I feel when he is not there anymore you will feel the difference.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Fri 25-Dec-15 17:02:53

Last year DH and I set a strict budget for presents. We both stuck to it because we aren't EA gits. Years ago I'd bought for an ex and he'd bought for me, I register his most expensive present to DBro and handed over the little things, because I'm not an EA git. This year DH put lots of thought into his gifts to me, but wanted one specific non-romantic thing from me. I was happy to comply and bought him a handful of wee things from DS to open today. Because I'm not an EA git.

Anyone who uses money (and by extension, gifts) to control you is an EA git. DH is not changing his spots here. Give them back tomorrow and keep moving forward. Next year you won't have to deal with this shit - focus on that.

suzannecaravaggio Fri 25-Dec-15 17:04:26

Cows I've not read your other thread but your posts on this one give me the impression of a man who feels he can act as 'puppet master'...he pulls strings and people will do what he wants them to

Clarella Fri 25-Dec-15 17:17:32

He's very good at hiding behind grand gestures to try to prove himself or deny his bullying nature.

Clarella Fri 25-Dec-15 17:24:12

I found this - it's about parents but sounds like you could replace every "parent" for your DH.

www.emotionalabuseanswers.org/emoabu/emotional-abuse-behaviors/manipulation/

mintoil Fri 25-Dec-15 18:10:56

He is NOT doing this to be "kind and sweet" he is doing it to mess with your head.

It's just a part of the game. When he realises you aren't going to change your mind, somewhere along the line, he will be asking for that diamond ring back!!!

Stay calm, stay focussed.

Cowscockwithonions Fri 25-Dec-15 18:19:50

I'm pleased with myself as I've not got emotional in front of him- I think he wanted me to get emotional over the ring.
Inside, I'm a mess, I feel awful. I often think that I must have done something to deserve all this.
When I was 18, (I'm 33 now) I had a couple of relationships where I was a complete bitch, the men I was with adored me, but I was immature and stupid, and didn't treat them very nicely, I think this is karma- that this is what I deserve for being a bitch in the past sad

Headagainstwall Fri 25-Dec-15 18:20:43

My ex "didn't believe" in buying me gifts for my birthday, Christmas etc until after we split up & I got a beautiful bunch of flowers for valentines! First gift ever in 4 years. I gave them to a stranger on the train smile

Fuck him, and fuck his fucking diamonds that he only decides you're worth in retrospect. Next Xmas is going to be excellent with none of this bollocks. Focus on that flowers

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius Fri 25-Dec-15 18:26:14

Cows abusers make you destabilised all the time. This is why you are feeling the way you do. Remember how much saner you feel when you are away from him? Even in giving gifts he is abusing you as he is not listening to you and this is a finger up in a weird way. I would give them back and keep on with your plan quietly. Think how much better Christmas 2016 will be eh?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now