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Burveaved friend...any ideas of what I can say or do?

(11 Posts)
longesttime Thu 24-Dec-15 22:15:55

A very close friend lost her partner very suddenly at a very yong age a few weeks ago. I live a little distance away but she wanted to be left alone for Christmas,

She does love being sent things and the wishes from people she say are helping her pull through but I do at times feel a bit lost.

Any ideas of special words that might help her, things that could be sent to her, ways I can do anything at all that might be good for her?

amarmai Fri 25-Dec-15 09:06:03

wd she like flowers?

longesttime Fri 25-Dec-15 09:32:13

I don't think she's going to like material things.its hard because you feel useless

StrawberryLeaf Fri 25-Dec-15 09:57:10

Just be sincere in your words. So sorry for your loss and I know today will be very difficult for you. I hope you are able to have a peaceful day. I'm always here to talk.

I always light a candle at Christmas to remember my daughter who died, maybe a candle to light?

MrsLeighHalfpenny Fri 25-Dec-15 09:59:16

Go and see her. Either spend some time with her at her house, or bring her to yours.

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep Fri 25-Dec-15 14:22:57

talk about him with her. (if she wants)

send her some hot chocolate sachets (etc)

ring her regularly.

scrivette Fri 25-Dec-15 14:40:24

Just be there for her by letting her know you are there if she needs something.

A text saying you are thinking of her means such a lot.

HappyMcflappy Fri 25-Dec-15 15:27:43

I lost my DH suddenly in the summer. I'm 27. Here are some things people have done for me and other useful things I've picked up from my widow group.
* Friends that say ""what are you doing on Tuesday? Okay, let's do something. I'll pick you up." Rather than "I'm always here for you."Everybody says "I'm here if you need me". Most don't mean it and I definitly have not taken anybody up on it. You have no concept of what you want to do or who with or what you need. Somebody organising something or offering you something they can specifically do is wonderful.
* texts that say "how are you this morning/afternoon/evening?" ... General how are you's/ how are you coping are overwhelming to answer. Putting "no need to reply if your not up to it" at the end of a message is something I never would've thought of putting before I was in this situation but I appreciate it now when somebody does.
* little care packages of vitamins/ energy drinks/ dry shampoo/ snacks delivered or left at the door.
* Candles. I've had the Yankee candle Angels Whisper which I thought was thoughtful although I'm not normally a Yankee fan.
* deliveries of chocolate/slices of cake left outside my door.
*Prosecco... So much prosecco
* thoughtful cards basically saying "I can't even imagine what you're going through, DH would be so proud of you, DH and you are in our thoughts. It's so unfair that you're going through this"... Cliches like "time is a healer, God only takes the good ones, stay strong, at least you're Young..." Piss me off and and everybody in my young widow group. Oh "at least you've got your memories" is a particularly painful one.
* I've found just doing normal stuff like food shopping, going to the bank etc a nightmare. Ask specifically if she would like you to go food shop for her or with her, say "i'm going to the bank/ post office/ chemist... Do you need me to do anything for you.?"
* I was introduced to the charity WAY. You can sign her up to it. They're amazing.
* a friend had a canvas of DH and I done and I received a photo book today. I love them.

Basically every single person will say "I'm here if you need me, im thinking of you."... Be a good friend and really be there. I know the people that have been there for me weren't the people I'd have expected to. 5 months down the line I have lost so many friends. I probably didn't reply to their initial "I'm here if you need me text" so they've buggered off. A lot of young widows find this.
Treat her normally. Don't ask specific questions about money/ post mortems/ probate. She'll talk if she wants. Don't compare any loss you've had to hers, it will take a long time before she can empathise anybody else's loss unless it's exactly the same as hers. everybodys grief is entirely different but I've found all of my young widow friends feel pretty much exactly the same as me on all of these points.
Flowers piss me off. They die. They're a pain in the arse. You have to unwrap them and find a vase and they die.
Set an alarm in your phone every week for the next year, to contact her. It's so easy to forget somebody for a few weeks if you're busy. Last week I was so close to suicide because I hadn't seen or heard from anybody for days... I felt completely alone but his week everybody has been in touch. I feel less suicidal when I know my life is not completely pointless without DH.
I probably sound like a real attention seeker now but when you're entire world falls apart you do need lots of sympathy and attention. It's what gets you though.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain Fri 25-Dec-15 22:20:39

Please don't be the person who says 'I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything." Or the friend who crosses the road so she doesn't have to speak to you. Though you don't sound like you would be!

So many people drop out of your ife when you're bereaved because they're embarrased or they don't want to deal with snot and tears. Be the person that texts to say 'how are you doing today' and keep inviting your friend to things but don't get upset with her if she doesn't accept. One day she'll feel up to it.

alltheworld Fri 25-Dec-15 22:41:32

Happy mcflappy is spot on.

I was bereaved over the summer and have been amazed at how many friends I have lost when I thought at least some of them would be there for me.

Some did not even send condolences. No one offered practical help or emotional support.

So stay in touch and offer specific help.

longesttime Sat 26-Dec-15 22:51:40

Thanks so much to everyone. I will do everything suggested.

I am so so sorry for the losses of you all...but thank you for taking the time

xx

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