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abuse against men

(14 Posts)
chelle792 Thu 24-Dec-15 18:36:58

Hey,

This thread is about a relative. He's having a hard time in an abusive relationship. Advice on another thread for a relative is women's aid and Lucy Bancroft, why does he do it.

Are these things any use for abused men? Is there an equivalent that I can find to help my relative?

Any help would be much appreciated. Thankyou

dejarderoncar Thu 24-Dec-15 18:42:52

Hello Chelle, I don't have any answers for you as I have been unable to find much support for men in abusive relationships in the UK. I have a male family member in what appears to be an EA relationship, and I would love to be able to offer him somewhere to turn to when he is ready.

Seeyounearertime Thu 24-Dec-15 18:46:42

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/domestic_abuse/domestic_abuse_against_men

chelle792 Thu 24-Dec-15 18:46:56

It's hard. I think you started a thread earlier that I posted on? I guess it's a fine dividing line between interfering and supporting. The last thing I want to do is push him away by insulting his girlfriend/relationship because he may not be ready yet to step away. I think this is the case but also think he is getting close to start making moves.

AnyFucker Thu 24-Dec-15 18:48:01

I can't link on my phone, but Google "Mankind"

OddBoots Thu 24-Dec-15 18:51:14

I am sorry you know people going through abusive relationships.

There is a helpline from Mens Advice Line (0808 801 0327 Monday-Friday 9am-5pm; or email info@mensadviceline.org.uk) and Mankind 01823 334244 (Weekdays 10am to 4pm)

There may be local support, hopefully the helplines have the details of that.

VoyageOfDad Thu 24-Dec-15 18:56:32

I supported a friend , male, in a physically / verbally / emotionally abusive relationship and helped him navigate out of it.

I can't recommend any books but I think what helped my friend was really just listening and gently reminding him it wasn't normal and helping him see a way out and helping him get there.

Thing is as he'd been in the situation for years it had all normalised for him. I took months of gentle chats with him for him to realise it didn't have to be that way, but I think having a strong friendship helped him.

It's no good steaming in there and saying you need to leave, you have to listen, let them talk and be supportive . Takes a lot of effort and a strong friendship

CMOTDibbler Thu 24-Dec-15 19:41:35

Mankind were brilliant for a friend who was in an abusive relationship for 12 years, and really helped him access counselling to rebuild his life and not repeat the same patterns

Offred Thu 24-Dec-15 19:57:06

As with anyone in an abusive relationship the key is generally not to criticise them or their partner. To help them take control of their own life again by guiding them to form the correct conclusions about their partner's behaviour themselves. Listening to how they feel, asking how things make them feel and encouraging them to talk rather than steaming in with accusations/advice.

That and signposting to appropriate organisations like DA support above and CAB for practical advice on ending a relationship when they are ready.

BertieBotts Thu 24-Dec-15 20:31:20

Also although Lundy Bancroft uses the male gender for the perpetrator and the female gender for the victim, it's worth noting that the patterns are the same. It might be helpful for him to read anyway, if you think that he wouldn't be put off by having to mentally switch the hes and shes around.

Offred Thu 24-Dec-15 23:15:02

The introduction of Lundy's book explains the book is still for male victims and the reasons why he choose male perpetrator/female victim.

Elendon Fri 25-Dec-15 07:19:37

Men tend to hide the abuse, especially if it's physical. My brother had to call the police, who were great (this was Australia). They told him that it will happen again. They separated for a year but are now back together. They still have a stormy relationship. My other brother said it's very painful listening to them argue - they were only staying a couple nights at my mums. But what can you do? She seems to have a huge hold over him. They are both professionals.

Offred Sat 26-Dec-15 11:38:40

Everyone tends to hide the abuse tbh. Part of that is that most victims of abuse do not think of it or properly recognise it as abuse while they are under the control of an abuser. The abuser tends to control the victims perception of events, the victim usually suffers anxiety but usually internalises the abuser's narrative as their own.

Offred Sat 26-Dec-15 11:39:41

That's why it's important for people supporting victims to encourage them to reconnect with their own independent feelings and thoughts.

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