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Some advice needed please..

(7 Posts)
GallowayESS Thu 24-Dec-15 00:42:57

I have a DD to someone I had a brief encounter with. Long story short, DD is my miracle, the high-light of my life and makes me smile every second of everyday (previous marriage, lots of failed IVF). The Dad, who is an alcoholic, - complete opposite end of the scale - was utterly mortified and threatened & willed to "pay" huge amounts to "correct" the situation. I didn't see him through most of my pregnancy, didnt attend scans/birth and didnt want to be on the birth certificate "over his dead body". The verbal language he has come out with towards me ever since has in truth been horrific, still to this day, he is an extremely unpleasant piece of work. He visited when she was 3 weeks old, paralytic at 1am. He has come to my house about 10 times in the last 3 years, always in the wee small hours, always kalied, has asked to see her then but obviously this is not an option at all at that time/situation and always denied. He has always made it clear he doesn't want to know her unless I come with the package, he will not be a "part-time father" again. I have always said he is more than welcome to visit her during the week in daytime hours, basically he can't bring himself.

He has another daughter whom he is extremely close with (I think they seem to look after each other by the looks) from one of this other previous relationships who is in her teens, when she found out she wanted to visit my DD. She lost a sister before, whom she never knew, a long time before she was even born. In a haze, I agreed and she has been maybe 3 times in the last year but lately has begun asking for regular contact... every week. Her visits are always very awkward, I have nothing in common with a 17 year old, she never makes conversation, just sits staring at my DD so I tend to have her give her food instead. He cant pull himself together to be a decent father all over again and from what appears to me on the outside, I think his other daughter is coming up to ease her dads consciounse as she sees him in a bad place all the time (they don't live together though) and she is all daddys girl. I imagine she then goes home to 'report the latest' and he probably temporarily feels better with this news, she feels like she's still top dog if you like and has done her good deed for the day. She always brings a card/present up from him where appropriate, I have asked him not to use her as a go between but this is completely ignored. His parents have never visited either as I believe he is the black sheep of the family so they are staying well away from any of his life long trouble.

I think all this is a little wierd and I am considering deleting her number. My upmost feeling is if he can't be bothered with my daughter, why should she then be made to feel second best with these step-sister visits. My DD will ask at some point why her dad doesn't come instead of her step-sister and I dont wish to explain their triangle nor be part of it to be frank.

He came last weekend (intimidating), as I had ignored his other daughters latest visit request. He obviously didnt like that and has said he'll just go to court and have her taken off me tomorrow (he would pay for anything, thats the nature of his upbringing and he's not short of money). This is obviously all very ridiculous as he doesn't really want to know my DD as he's made clear since day dot....but now he is annoyed as i've upset his other daughter. Clearly, he just wants to keep her happy. I am not convinced he would go to court, as he probably would never be sober enough to, although I wouldn't put anything past him and more so wants to spread his unhappiness and Im prime target no1.

I can't remember the last time a judge gave custody to an alcoholic but there again, I'm potentially heading towards some kind of access which would concern me greatly. I did have a DNA done for CSA reasons at the beginning but as mentioned he is not on the birth certificate. I am aware this gives him no parental responsibility at all (I believe his daughter isn't aware of this and naive as he is), but would a judge just motion it to happen anyway as we have DNA evidence? I can imagine nothing worse than having to give her up to go to his for the weekend, when he would be out all day drinking anyway and probably his other daughter would look after her all the time?

I would be very grateful for anyone's thoughts on this 'situation' in all heading forward. I have a wonderful happy, healthy, loving life with my daughter, clearly there is a great big divide in the way we run our lifestyles and the way I wish for her to be brought up.

Thank you in advance for reading...

EasterRobin Thu 24-Dec-15 02:24:46

I would have been very excited as a teenager to get a sister (half-sister, sure, but still a sister woo yay!). What makes you feel that this girl isn't genuinely interested in her little sister?

Also, if it's a bit socially awkward when she comes over, maybe she could play with your DD for 15-30 mins while you cook, all three of you could have a meal together and then she can leave. Or some other activity-based visit rather than relying on teenage social skills to get you through. If not eating, perhaps there is an activity you would enjoy/tolerate doing together like going to the park.

Dad sounds hideous. Nothing positive to say about him at all.

antimatter Thu 24-Dec-15 02:38:38

I don't know the law but how comes he pays CSA yet he has no parental rights?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 24-Dec-15 09:32:00

She's not a step sister she is a half sister. And I don't think it's weird that she wants some contact with her own sibling.
My DD is nearly 18 and has a half sister she never sees.
She would love to be involved in her life in some way but that isn't going to happen any time soon.
She may just want some contact with her HALF sister.
I wouldn't stop that happening if it was me.

He can't have her 'taken off you'
That's all just BS and you know it so ignore that.
Let him do his worst.
The most he'll likely get is very limited supervised access in a contact centre.

pocketsaviour Thu 24-Dec-15 15:48:06

OK if he's paying CM then I don't think he would need to get particularly in-depth legal action to be granted PR. Unfortunately you can't have it both ways; he's either on the BC and paying maintenance or not on the BC and not paying.

It's a shame you didn't say at the time, once you'd got wind of what a cunt he was, to say "actually I've just realised I got my dates wrong, it's not yours, no worries, see ya later" but hindsight is 20/20 as they say!

I think you would benefit here from seeing a solicitor and getting some advice on what's likely to happen if he does decide to pursue a child arrangement order via the court.

Please make sure you document EVERYTHING - every time he turns up unnanounced, how drunk he is, etc. Keep all texts and emails from him with threats and abuse, and keep your own replies. Refuse to answer any calls from him, have him only send texts and emails.

Although my heart says it would be nice for you to encourage contact between your DD and her sister, my head says put a stop to this, as it could possibly weigh with a judge as him trying to make an effort. It would also be awful for your DD to come to love a sister who then disappeared from her life, as I suspect might happen if the dad doesn't get what he wants, i.e. information about you.

GallowayESS Fri 25-Dec-15 00:29:56

Thank you for your thoughts everyone, much appreciated to get a broad perspective. As i said, he's only not on the BC through his choice at the time, i didnt think it would take much for him to get PR with us having had a DNA & him paying CSA (hindsight agreed!). Pocketsaviour i think u get where im coming from. They r a very 'dingle' family shall we say & quite confrontational, im exactly the opposite & hate any kind of confrontation. I would love for my DD to have a half sister in a flash if i truly believed it was coming from a genuine place i guess, but i dont know this girl personally, what she has shown me is less than impressive & is now insistent in her text & demanding! She dropped an xmas present at the door last night along with Dad card & said "have u been getting my text messages?!", i just said "yes, thanks for the present, bye". I am uncomfortable with her coming as i dont trust her intentions at the moment, i am more inclined to think she's up to something than not & yes it feels almost like she's spying on us, which really makes me NOT want her in our personal & private place.

If i am to stop these visits, would it not go against me for ignoring her? ...or am i being too soft & need to toughen up pronto? Am i within my rights to do so? I have a feeling if i ignore her she may come to the door again in the new year. How do i say to her face to face that i need to put a stop to this without incriminating myself?

Cant help but think this is a little crazy, these issues should b with my DD dad not some strange girl i dont know. He's well & truly side shifted his emotions hasnt he.

Beginning to think she's stalking us a little & is persistent! I feel im being sucked into their world which is the last place i want to be, just need to gather how to control this more efficiently. Thank you again in advance for reading & for any guidance you can offer, so much appreciated.

lexib Sat 26-Dec-15 07:12:18

Could you take the half sister aside, have a chat and give her a reason as to why you need x/y type of contact between her and your daughter? I think I'd suggest something like you've decided it would he nicer for them to bond more socially (true or not, doesn't matter) so she can accompany you to the park, play centre or whatever sometimes. Give a reason why the house doesn't work for you and whilst out keep a distanced eye. Best result could be you see a nice relationship develop, away from the potential pressures of being in your home. Worst I guess is that he turns up, but if it's very public, esp other mothers, you'll have a lot of support if you need it.

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