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Well, I finally did the unthinkable

(81 Posts)
janaus Wed 23-Dec-15 22:07:46

I texted the ex OW.
So much has been going through my head since my suspicions in July and August and admission in September.
I have issues. Trust, of course. I am certain he is not seeing anyone. We are doing well together. But I do feel he minimised the fling, mistake as he called it. 3 times only he said.
So in the text I asked if she would tell me the truth. At first she didn't want to talk to me. But I persisted, and said she didn't have to tell me anything. But that he had said it was 3 times. She said, who said it was 3 times. So I guess I have my answer. There was about 6 messages each. Very civil, polite. I am not blaming this woman. In the end we wished each other a Merry Christmas.
I know it wasn't the right thing to do. I will be getting Counselling after the New Year.

I hope everyone here has a good Christmas, and thanks for your support over this time.

iwashappy Wed 23-Dec-15 23:02:49

I'm over a year on from finding out my husband had cheated on me. I did end my marriage after initially being unsure what to do. I discovered more lies and previous cheating which although not on me (although it turned out he had throughout our marriage as well) left me with no choice.

I still don't really know the truth about it all. I have his version of it and I know how accomplished at lying he is now. How many women, when and how often I won't ever know the truth. I won't ever know the reasons for it, certainly not reasons I understand.

There comes a point when you realise it doesn't matter how many times, how long etc. The point is it happened, the rest is just detail. I don't mean to sound flippant as I still have that need to know and understand why you think you need details.

Ultimately he thought it was acceptable to cheat on you and if you stay together the important thing is that he is honest with you and is genuinely full of regret. If you are relying on OW to give you the truth because you don't trust your DH's answers then I think your DH still has a lot of work to do to convince you that he is worth all the heartache.

I hope you find the Counselling helpful. It's not something I felt was for me but I know people who have found it very helpful.

I wish you all the best for Christmas and I hope things work out for you.

janaus Wed 23-Dec-15 23:19:09

TY, Happy.
We are working on it. I feel that he has swept it under the carpet, and everything is hunky dory. Most times I feel Ok, and that we are moving forward.
But for some silly reason, he made the comment, strange, 'none of my girlfriends have wished me a happy christmas'. I know he was only joking, because I talk of other girlfriends in a jokey way, but behind it, I am serious, hoping to catch him out one day. Well, it flipped something in my head, and made me text her. Anyway, I don't really care now, if he decides to do it again, I will not be devastated, but then, I know it will be time to get rid of him.

Oh, shit, he was reading over my shoulder and has good eye sight. LOL bring it on.

Hissy Wed 23-Dec-15 23:24:54

Oh love, are you ok?

Listen, if he's a cheat and a liar, you don't need to put up with it. Leave him to be ignored by his girlfriends - he can't be very good can he if none of them can be arsed with him.

Don't settle for someone even an ow CBA with.. Move on asap and find someone who IS worth it.

I hate cheats.

BogusCatAndThePunk Wed 23-Dec-15 23:35:53

Well if he's still reading over your shoulder.

That was a juvenile thing to say in a healthy relationship, it is a immensely SHITTY thing to say given your history.

Stop minimising.

To OP, MN. will be here when you need them, you might not want to hear it, but they'll be here

Squishyeyeballs Wed 23-Dec-15 23:43:46


Now, hope he got an eyeful of that. Awful thing to say to you given the situation. On the upside, next time he says it, you can answer "Well funny you should say that, because your ex gf has just wished me a happy christmas. And she also laughed at the suggestion that it was only 3 times with you". See how funny he thinks that is.

janaus Wed 23-Dec-15 23:44:14

I know its not a healthy relationship at the moment. Working on things, And hopefully with counselling in the new year, I can see clearer what I need to do.

janaus Wed 23-Dec-15 23:46:19

Haha, squishy, thats a good one, Ty,

Sansoora Wed 23-Dec-15 23:51:30

Jane, Im sorry if this hurts you - people can and do go on to their happy ending after an affair but nothing you post makes me think you will. And it wont just be down to your husbands antics, it will also be down to you. You come across as a couple of kids and Im not convinced it was the affair that caused it. Please, please do get your counselling. There's some really strange dynamics going on with the both of you and I think counselling might just be the making of you, not your marriage, if the counsellor knows what they're doing.

As for 'who said it was only 3 times'? Just Wtf did she think you were talking about?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 24-Dec-15 09:42:02

Could the OW be THIS PERSON ???

I really hope you can enjoy your Christmas.
Be kind to yourself and make sure you get all the answers you need.
Don't let him fob you off. More often than not, to move on we need to know the details, no idea why but we do.

Don't let him minimise this. It will take you a long time to build up your trust in him and he needs to do everything and anything he can to help you to do that.
Don't let him brush it under the carpet. Tackle it.
Are you have counselling together to help you through this?

As they say:-
Trust takes YEARS to build, SECONDS to break and FOREVER to repair.

SeaCabbage Thu 24-Dec-15 13:28:25

Why did you tell the OW he said it was three times, before asking her, how many times it was?

Also, it is difficult because who says you can trust what she says?

Have you read on MN how men should be behaving after affairs to try and get your trust back and heal the relationship? Your DH needs to fully accept responsibility and work very hard to earn your trust. Doesn't sound like he is doing that and that means that you are suffering more than you need to. He should want to be reducing your suffering as much as he can. xx

pocketsaviour Thu 24-Dec-15 14:30:59

"said she didn't have to tell me anything. But that he had said it was 3 times"

Why on earth did you do that?! Now you have no idea if he was telling the truth or not, and you've shot your wad with her. You should have either said nothing, or said "it was only once" or "it was every day for over a month".

Also, he's had an affair and he's making "jokes" about having other girlfriends? Bloody hell Jan, I've seen many of your threads on here and I've really felt for you trying to rebuild your marriage and hoped it would work well for you... But this is fucking ridiculous, for gods sake, he just blatantly does not give a flying fuck. He has hurt you, betrayed you, and he just JOKES about doing it again???

Do you know what, if you had NEGLIGENTLY caused him a permanent injury - let's say you were pulling onto the driveway while he was standing there, and you were texting on your phone, and ran him over, causing him to lose his legs (in my imagination you're driving a tank) - and he ended up in a wheelchair. Do you think you'd sit there and say "Right I'm off to the shops, I'll try not to leave anyone else a cripple like you! LOL!"

God I haven't even started drinking (I'm still at work!) and I already want to punch his fucking lights out for you. Urrrggghhhhh.

janaus Thu 24-Dec-15 15:05:39

Oh, pocket, you are just what I need. Ty, always here for me.
Silly me, messed up again.
The bitch, texted him today, saying I had sent her a text, asking questions. Handy it was on charge near me, deleted the message before he saw it.
Didn't want to open a can of worms.
Merry christmas to you. Any time you are in Aus, welcome to come punch some lights out.
Talk about rubbing salt into the wound.

And Cabbage I have no idea how he should be acting. No Xmas present for me, cause he said I'm too hard to buy for. I told him a million dollars wouldn't cover it.
After such a shit year think I deserve a little something.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 24-Dec-15 15:10:16

I've just realised who you are.
I cannot believe you are still with this worthless piece of shit.
Please make 2016 the year you manage to get away from this wanker.
Try to enjoy your Christmas and ignore the knob. Sit him a corner and chuck food at him every now and then, otherwise, ignore!

pocketsaviour Thu 24-Dec-15 15:20:58

The bitch, texted him today, saying I had sent her a text, asking questions.

So he hasn't even blocked her number from his phone? Did it come up with her name as well, rather than unknown number? If so, she's still in his contacts. hmm

What is he doing here, what effort is he making? Are you still going to counselling?

You're "too hard to buy for"???
What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Jan. Did you buy him a gift?

Are you up early, or can't sleep?

Fionajsd Thu 24-Dec-15 15:29:18

I'd be out buying the biggest present I could find!
He's a total looser and you deserve much better x

Sansoora Thu 24-Dec-15 16:03:42

I cannot believe you are still with this worthless piece of shit.

Was the affair the latest in a long line of abuse?

I only ask because thats how it's seemed to me for quite some time and I have no idea regarding other threads the OP has started.

Its just a feeling I have.

Annarose2014 Thu 24-Dec-15 16:09:16

Not even a fucking VOUCHER??!

Sansoora Thu 24-Dec-15 16:11:51

Not even a fucking VOUCHER??!

Personally I think its better if you receive the contempt associated with nothing than the contempt associated with a voucher.

Does that make sense? Im having trouble explaining it.

Annarose2014 Thu 24-Dec-15 16:27:28

Yup. True.

When someone thinks you're worth fuck all, its probably best if its clear.

AnyFucker Thu 24-Dec-15 18:23:11

Jan, what the hell are you doing still "trying" with this complete cunt ?

I have rarely seen such a cut and dried reason to LTB and every thread you start just confirms it more

What would it take for you to actually understand you are worth more than this ?

Sansoora Thu 24-Dec-15 18:30:19

Ahhh that was lovely. smile

Sansoora Thu 24-Dec-15 18:30:59

sorry, wrong thread smile

but now I think of it - AF's post was rather lovely.

AnyFucker Thu 24-Dec-15 18:43:27

It would be lovely if Jan told this arsewipe to just fuck right off

SouthWesterlyWinds Thu 24-Dec-15 18:58:07

It would be lovely if Jan told this arsewipe go just fuck right off

With a big fuck off bow AF - it can be her gift to herself. Merry Christmas!

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